It's beginning to look a lot like...Kabbalah?
I haven't felt like writing lately, or more accurately, I've felt like writing -- in fact I've had many conversations with all of you in my mind -- I just haven't wanted to sit down, organize, and type up my thoughts. I just have to write something though because I don't want to leave my last, sad, greyhound entry sitting there as the first thing anyone sees when they come to my journal; a really sad entry filled with swearing.
The cats are getting on my nerves. (We're back at home now.) I love them so much and am grateful for their presence in my life, but they're bugging me, argh. It's a very minor complaint, and one I shouldn't even be wasting our time making because, knock bois, for once almost all of the kitties are well and I'd rather have them alive and scratching than fighting a whole host of cat infirmities.
Here's the thing; everyone wants to sit on my lap and I only have so much lap. For almost a year now, I've been using my laptop rather than my desktop, and I do this from my bed, which may not be the healthiest plan as far as becoming a big sedentary Jabba the Hut blob is concerned. I swear I am going to get my big fat lazy ass out there exercising if it's the last thing I do -- no sense in risking one's life with a big, scary, intestinal-rerouting, stomach-chopping operation if I'm not going to comply and keep the weight off. Sorry for going off on a tangent there.
Okay back to the cats; so, I sit here when I use my computer. I put pillows behind my back and one in front of me and set the laptop on that, but the cats pile up in the space between my belly and the pillow, one on top of the other until there is barely room for my arms to reach around them to type. Occasionally another cat will come to try and squeeze in or just plop on top of the pile to be annoying and snag someone else's already claimed space. When that doesn't work, they pile up next to my thighs leaving me with little or no elbow room. Right now Niki is trying the climb on top of everyone with his heavy body maneuver and he's squashing Mouse.
Every once in a while I get fed up, pick up the pillow and the laptop, shove everyone forward and put my laptop back down again -- like clearing my cache. But then we start the whole process all over again with everyone circling back around one by one until my lap and arms are overloaded. Curly-Girl has managed to come back around and is pinning my right wrist down and here is Mouse who has just sat back down on top of Curly Girl. This forces me to shift the pillow and computer forward a bit to make room for them and then I have to strain to type...and here comes Zazu and Niki again. And here comes Niki and pretty soon we will start the process all over again. In fact here I go with the pillow lifting, lap clearing. For a time I will use my arms like the oars of a boat to protect my space, waving them away with my elbows while feeling guilty, but then I'll give in and they'll all pile up again. Oh what shall we do with a drunken sailor?
Esther and Anna went at it yesterday. Anna is mad at Esther because she doesn't think she does enough work, and Esther is mad at Anna because she feels that Anna doesn't value the work that she does do, and is aggressive and abusive in the way she communicates with her. I see the truth in both of their points of view and want to help both of them so I just sat there mediating for a good hour and a half, or was it two? It went on endlessly with Anna being kind of nutty and abusive while thinking she was this helpless innocent little victim, then in the end when she couldn't get her way and wouldn't listen to either one of us, she ran off crying like a little girl, seriously, yuck. I think there is something wrong with her, we can't be the only people she has ever had serious communication problems with before.
It's so interesting how you can learn more about yourself by watching someone else. I mean that she is so self deluding -- she comes up with these weird ideas and concepts and they become her reality, even when they are completely untrue. I feel the need to be vigilant and fair so that I don't do the same thing. It's that old, there are always two or more sides to every story, thing.
My Kabbalah book fell out of my car and landed in the water and leaf filled gutter the night before last. I could have seen this as a sign but I didn't. I just dried it out in the sun and it's as good as new. I really like this simple book, each time I read a little bit from it I glean some wonderful bit of knowledge. And yes, I am wearing the red string bracelet, and the promise I made not to gossip or speak badly about anyone else, while challenging in the extreme for a gossipy multi-feathered birdie girl like me is hard in the extreme, it is making my life easier.
I'll never become a full on Kabbalah girl because I'm basically a Buddhist at heart, well, a Buddhist, Catholic, Jewish Jain. I'm always going to be someone who creates their own hodgepodge of spirituality -- it works for me. Besides I've resisted the lure of "the cult of Kabbalah" for this long, but I am interested and want to learn more. Funny how my ego works though I stayed away precisely because there were so many celebrities getting into it. Now I just feel curious and want to see what I can glean from it. If it turns out to be completely patriarchal, I'm outta there.
I have so much more to tell you; stories and images to share, but I have to go collect my monkey man...