I've mentioned before that I do this a lot -- write up a partial entry and then save it without posting it -- then time moves on, and before I know it I'm writing up a new entry and the old one gets buried and forgotten. I worry things will seem dated and won't be worth the reading, but I need to remember that the main reason I've been keeping a journal is archival; I want to be able to look back and hopefully gain insight into how I've become who I've become, so I'm going to try to remember to post the fragments...
I just bought this on eBay. I love vintage postcards, especially ones that look like this. There's something sweet about these old, illustrated rose cards.
Even though I've been feeling super weak and spent the better part of the last two weeks in bed I had promised to take Beau and his friend Jake to a used record store and the movies today so I wasn't about to let them down. When we picked up Jake at school Beau's friend Jose wanted to come along too so I took all three boys for lunch at Subway, then we went to a vintage record store, (Jake has been working as a DJ to earn money to buy things -- he DJ'd Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain's daughter Frances Bean's twelfth birthday party -- pretty cool hunh?) and then dropped them off in Century City where they're going to watch two movies back to back. I bought a ticket to see Cinderella Man by myself but after I ate a small meal in the food court I realized I was too weak and had to come home : ( I did manage to do a little shopping for Esther's and Maryam's birthday's at Bloomingdale's though. I stopped off at Maryam's and gave her gifts on my way home and now I'm just exhausted and dizzy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going to be seeing all of my doctor's in the next couple of weeks so hopefully I'll get this all sorted out. I wish there really were a Dr. House that I could visit, someone amazing who could take all of my symptoms and make sense of me. I didn't take my antibiotic last night because I just can't handle it any more. They make my blood sugar drop too low and I get shaky, sweaty, and weak. I'm so done with these antibiotics. Now I guess I'll have to bombard my system with acidophilus or something.
Scott's been going to a healer I recommended to him years ago but have never been to myself. This is typical me; wanting to believe in things that are squishy, mystical and cool, but at the same time holding myself back in some way because I don't want to be tricked or taken advantage of. This particular man sees Goldie Hawn and a whole host of celebrity clients, and I honestly don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Movie industry creative bee lover that I am, when celebrities go to someone for healing, I tend to lean towards thinking this is a kind of gold stamp of approval, but I have been learning that their likes and dislikes are fickle and they make mistakes just like everyone else does, sometimes more.
Scott's healer recommended a colonic irrigation specialist and he's been going there now as well. He saw a MAJOR celebrity in the waiting room and I'm not allowed to tell you who it was. Doesn't that suck? I'm sorry : ( It's such a funny, human, piece of information, and Scott knew that beyond the embarrassment of my wanting to share with my entire journal readership -- and any other stranger I meet -- who just might want to hear that he's having his colon cleansed, that so and so gets her colon irrigated as well, so he made me promise I wouldn't tell. I'm kind of a hapless Lucille Ball when it comes to these kinds of things and everyone knows it. Plus it's not for nothing that I reluctantly maintain the Celebrity Sightings community here on Live Journal, although I never even bother to visit it any more. I really should give it away to someone else who would be a better moderator -- I'm so conflicted about the whole thing.
I have the Oprah/Tom Cruise interview saved on my DVR and I don't want to erase it yet. It's so interesting. He's so interesting. I want to believe it; I really want to believe he's happy and that, as sudden as this is, he really does love this young woman, but it just seems so over the top/sudden to me. There are a couple of magazine articles about it out now, and AOL has a link to one of them on their welcome screen. I don't know what to make of all of this. I hope it's true. I want to be happy for them. As Tom put it, "Anyone who's not happy for me, they're just not invited to the party." That'd be a party I'd want to go to.
I don't want to be a dupe and I don't want to be a cynic. I just really wish that people could be themselves in this weird moviemaking village that I live in. I wish that knowing whether someone is really in love or not, is straight or gay, or where they stand politically, or what their religious beliefs are, would have no bearing whatsoever on our ability to enjoy watching them play any kind of character in a movie. I think it's sad that once someone comes out of the closet there seems to be this belief that they will no longer be marketable as a romantic heterosexual lead. I wish that my headache would go away. I wish I felt better. I wish cats wouldn't feel the need to mark things with their "scent." I wish a lot of things.
Okay, now, calm down, I just found this on a tee-shirt website and felt a kind of female civic sense of duty to post it here. I've been upset a lot lately by what seems to me to be a weird retro female bashing trend that's becoming more visible lately. It seems as if this antique misogynistic attitude has come creeping out of the greasy cracks and crevices of dirty old dive bars and is now getting attention on a wider stage. When I was in college, in the eighties, with the exception of that nasty "No Fat Chicks" bumper sticker hiccup, we seemed to be sort of moving in a more positive feminist direction, or at least that's the way it seemed to me at the time. But now it seems as if we're taking a big weird step backwards where women are concerned. For example; I used to love to listen to this popular talk radio jock who disappeared for a few years and then recently turned up on this FM talk channel. I was so happy to have found him again until I realized what a complete asshole he's turned into. Now, I'm not persuaded in any way that the way he acts on the radio -- the horrible sexist things he says -- is the way he really truly feels about women. I think he's doing it because it sells, and this is reflected in this big upsurge in ratings he's had, and the fact that every time I check in on him he's doing the same woman-bashing shtick.
Today was "Flash Fridays" on his show. He tells guys to turn their car headlights on and then encourages women to flash any guy they see with his lights turned on during the day. Then guys call in and describe the "hot chicks" who flashed their "tits" and "snatches," at them. Whaaaa? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I love nudity more than the next guy, but it's not like they're asking guys to flash us, you know what I mean? Is the whole world turning into one big Lake Havasu, Girl's Gone Wild, tit flashing boat party, and if it is, is that a bad thing?
The problem I'm having is that I get torn between having a laugh at anything that flies in the face of our uptight, American, Puritanical conventions, and wanting to protect my sex, and defend the precious ground we've gained in fighting for our rights, and against having to live the kind of lives women were once forced to lead. I've got a pretty wicked sense of humor and I can appreciate the naughty wackiness in almost anything, but when I tune in to Howard Stern, and laugh at something he or one of his goofball sidekicks say, or Chapelle or some other comedian says at my expense as a woman, I feel like I'm betraying my sex. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes. I don't want to contribute in any way to this big step backwards that we seem to be taking. I'm basically torn between enjoying our more liberal attitude towards sexuality, (God only knows it's high time we prude old-fashioned Americans, would grow up and join the rest of the world in having a much more accepting and healthy attitude towards sexuality), because as you know I'd be fine with everyone walking around naked, (I mean it, I would be over the moon if I walked out my front door one day and all of my neighbors were mowing their lawns in the nude) and repulsed by the kind of base T&A women bashing crap that the media is feeding us.
I've raised my son to be so understanding, kind, and respectful towards women, and it hasn't done as much good as it could have because as soon as he came into regular contact with the children of other parents who did not instill this same sense of equality and fairness in their children, he got bashed for thinking differently. And as we all know, the principal torture of childhood and adolescence is wanting to be liked and accepted by your peers. Beau goes to the most liberal, hippiest school around; they are all about sexual equality and cultural diversity. But even though this was the one school that matched up with my own philosophies the most, he still ended up going to a school where behind the teacher's backs his peers call women bitches, (they call guys bitches too), and there's this whole macho jocular attitude thing that he and all of his teenage pals seem to be developing towards women. I don't know if this is normal in that guys who are just beginning to develop sexually, and who feel vulnerable, need to act a certain way to impress their peers, and will work through it and come around eventually or not. I'm thinking if between my pro-female brainbashing and his school's groovy openhearted curriculum, if he's still walking around swinging his metaphorical dick, then it's just got to be an age/hormone/sex thing. I mean he's not saying anything awful, I'm just hypersensitive about women being treated disrespectfully, and I want to be certain he turns out to be someone who will love and respect the women he has relationships with.