Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

I'm in a lot of pain tonight. Whenever I get like this I know it's only temporary and probably just my screwed up chemical makeup. I'm usually a pretty resilient gal and get over things and am fine again by morning, but right now I just feel so sad.

I feel sad because I don't understand my partner. I don't understand why he doesn't seem to care more about me. Every year I try to get him to come with me to Burning Man and he says no, so I don't really pressure him, but this year I really tried. I even asked him if he'd just come out for the weekend, fly to Reno, rent a car, and come stay with us. It's only a two hour drive from Reno and he wouldn't have to bring a thing with him, I've got enough supplies to feed an entire grade school. But he said no and he has good reasons. The thing that hurts is that I've been telling him how lonely and horny I'm going to be out there as a partnered but single at Burning Man woman. And instead of saying, "Oh Baby I'm going to miss you too," he goes and tells me he's basically sick of hearing about it and I can have sex with someone else if I want to because he's only really pretending to want me to be monogamous because I want him to take that position. WTF? And when he left tonight he was just so tired and so dying to get the Fuck out of here that he barely said goodbye.

And then there's this, and this is a big one; I don't know if it's safe to write about this here and I've been holding it all in, but I just can't any more so I'm putting it behind the friend's cut and am just praying I can trust the people on my friend's list. I've met my birth-sister on line and we've been corresponding via e-mail. I have been dying to make contact with my two sisters and my brother for thirteen years now, ever since I first found out about them. While I just love them unconditionally, because that's the way I am, who even knows what they think of me, if they even think of me, or as in the case of my brother, know that I exist.

My sister just happens to be going to Burning Man for the very first time this year. Shocking aint it? So we've been planning to meet up, even though she won't call me or let me call her because the idea of speaking to me on the telephone is too overwhelming to her. She seems so cool; she's creative, she's a writer, she wanted to be an actress, she's smart, she's interested in a lot of the same things I'm interested in, and she's really pretty.

She'll write a brief letter to me and I'll write back some long multi-paragraph essay, like anyone who reads my journal would have to know I would, and then I think I've overwhelmed her because she takes her time getting back to me and doesn't answer my questions. Then she'll write and I'll forget to check my e-mail and take too long to write back, and she'll get worried that it's been a while, and bla, bla, bla -- we're like some weird couple doing the intimacy dance.

I swear I feel like this big needy baby, or actually, I feel like I'm just being me, and she'll think I'm being a big needy baby, and frankly who wouldn't be a little worried about dealing with something like this? The truth is that all I want is to be allowed to love her, and... no, that's not the truth, because I want her to love me back.

I've invited her to camp with us but she doesn't want to, which feels to me like she wants to keep her distance, because hell, if she camps with me, then she'd have to spend time with me, and if I turned out to be a freak, she'd be stuck. So I get that, but it seems like such a waste when we have this big village filled with great people, and have a perfect spot with all kinds of theme village perks that she won't have.

Then there's the fact that she doesn't want to pick a time to meet. She's being pretty casual about the whole thing. At one point she wrote a one sentence e-mail saying, "Aren't you excited that you're going to be meeting me?" which of course set off another long multiparagraph response from me telling her how excited I was etc., etc. Then in her last letter to me she said something like, if all else fails she'd come by and leave a note for me in our mailbox. So I wrote back and asked her if she was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of meeting me and wanted to call it off. I told her that I would be sad but that I'd understand and it would be better for Beau and for me if we knew we weren't going to meet her so that I wouldn't ruin my whole trip being hopeful and waiting, if she wasn't really going to meet us. She hasn't written back. Although she did forward a group letter listing all of the camps she wanted to visit, Kidsville not being one of them. So now I get to Burning Man knowing that my sister, (I'm an only adopted child and have ALWAYS wanted to have a sister), is going to be there and I may or may not get to see her. Sucks doesn't it?

Part of the problem is that she lives with my/our biological Mom who seems to hate me. I've never met her and haven't spoken with her in years. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and doesn't want me to contact my brother and sisters. So my sister has to have this "relationship" with me in secret, and this hurts. It hurts a lot. My Mother says I was conceived when she was raped and that's a lot for a person to handle knowing, a lot, and I wonder if this is why she pushes me away, because I am half him, half rape daughter, and I remind her of something horrible and traumatic. Then there's the fact that none of this may be true because my adoptive mom swears that my birth-mother was crying in the doctor's office just before I was born because she was in love with the man who had fathered me and he was marrying someone else as I was being born. Either way, this makes my bio-dad a pretty big asshole.

I don't know if all of this, the worries over Scott, and my insecurity and fears around meeting or not meeting my sister, is just fluffed up hurt, anxiety, worry, and fear because I'm tired, because I may be getting my period, because my self-esteem is just too fucking damaged and I'm too damned needy, or if it's real. I just know that I'm so tired of always trying to find love, and not even super fabulous wonderful love, just plain simple family love, like so many, many people seem to have been blessed with. I just want to feel wanted, loved, and safe. I'm not such a bad person, I don't know what I've done wrong for my life to always feel like this, like I'm always chasing after impossible dreams.

I love you guys,
Jacqui
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