Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Someone Who Could Have Used a Little Mother Love

Wow, look at the hurtful comment I just got;

Train wreck
drjosie
2006-08-02 02:20 am UTC (from 207.200.116.202)

"Oh, Dear,
You don't get it, you self-absorbed trust-fund princess of the meaningless worthless life....

You have no clue what her humor and honesty are about...

Get a grip, you fat, spoiled, train-wreck....."


OUCH!

I read this article today about a woman who didn't enjoy spending time with her children, didn't want to go with them to their friend's houses, wasn't interested in their school lives, didn't want to get down on the floor and play LEGOs with them, take them to museums, or interact with them much because she finds them boring. I was really upset after reading this and took the time to write a long impassioned response that I posted here in my own journal.

I rarely if ever get mean comments. I don't accept comments from anonymous users, so if you want to say something mean you kind of have to say it to my face. But then I got this really mean spirited comment today, and of course it comes from behind the facade of a newly created journal, where the owner of said journal has never so much as written a single word, and has only commented on other journals twice. But this kind of thing always makes me wonder about who would write this to me, and about whether other people feel this way about me.

I know I should be thicker skinned. I'd like to be thicker skinned, but I'm not. I'm just me, and I think this level of sensitivity often accompanies creativity, and I would gladly remain thin skinned and vulnerable in exchange for this precious gift of perception and expression, but when someone comes along and randomly calls me a "self-absorbed, trust fund princess with a meaningless life," who is a "fat, spoiled, train-wreck," it hurts because there is some truth to this; I am fat, I do have a trust fund, I have been called spoiled, (by my parents,) but this isn't everything that I am by a long shot, and I don't think I am leading a meaningless life, or that my life is a train-wreck, and as far as self-absorbed, am I really that much more self-absorbed than the next gal, or is it that I'm more out there, and an easier target for this kind of an attack because I am sharing my journal so openly with people, and have been doing so for so long? Aren't we all just a little self-absorbed, how would we gain self-knowledge if we weren't, and how could we contribute without knowing who we are and what we have to offer?

It just kind of astounds me that anyone who reads my journal wouldn't get how challenging my life has been, despite the perceived advantages, and how I've always done my best to meet these challenges with grace and love. Do you get how hard I try, and how much I care? Do I come off as being merely a spoiled, self absorbed, worthless brat, when all along I thought I was being brave, trudging along doing the best I can?

I think I bring a lot of joy and happiness to the lives of almost everyone I come in contact with, at least I try to. I take care of so many people and animals. I reach out to my neighbors and community. I help the elderly? Why would someone resent me so much as to write something like this? I am definitely imperfect, definitely disorganized and distracted, (and this isn't my fault, this is the way my mind functions, believe me if I could do better I would), and so much less of a person than I would like to be, I'm not my ideal me, I'm still growing and learning, always trying to improve, but am I a train wreck, or am I a product of my environment and my biology, and what gives some heartless stranger the right to dismiss me like this when all I was doing was writing about how important I think it is to remain connected, interested, and loving towards our children? I just don't get it sometimes...

Paranoia; Could this be someone who was involved in my recent car accident who Googled my name and quickly came up with this negative opinion of me by only having read a few entries, without delving deeper? Could this be someone who knows me so well off line that they know and would choose to use the very name of the person who abused me sexually as a child, something I rarely if ever discuss in my journal, where I will willingly talk about almost anything else? Could someone really be that sadistic, and if so why, and why now? Or could this simply be someone who is angry with me for having failed to respond to their comments without realizing I have attention deficit disorder, am forever struggling to catch up, and that this is totally unintentional on my part? Could this be a friend of the author of the article? Could this be someone who is also bored with their own children and identifies with the author? I could go on and on, but it would be a complete waste of time. I'll never get it because I'm not like this. I don't hurt people randomly and willfully. I just don't understand this kind of thing, and I guess I never will because I've banned them, and they've deleted the original post. Why did they make this comment only to end up deleting it about an hour later? Do you think they read back far enough to learn there's more the me than meets the eye in a quick read through of my last few entries?

Wouldn't it be great if I did identify with the idea of being an entitled trust fund princess, instead of...well, instead of the things that I do identify with? I'll tell you one thing, I do see myself as a survivor, and anyone who has been reading my journal for any length of time, who has even the smallest amount of compassion, should be able to see this.
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