Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Whas Up Biotch?



I'm here in bed with the cats, catching up on TV, watching Gayle and Oprah's last road trip show. I'm so relieved not to have any homework to help my friend with tonight. She had a huge assignment that she needed a lot of help with, and "we" ended up writing an eighteen page report. I felt such pressure to get this done, and it was actually a subject that I love writing about; television. But oh man am I happy to have this behind me, and to think two years worth of this will all be over and done with in just one month. Ever had a friend ask for a favor this large? I guess I'm banking my karma brownie points for some future need. It all evens out anyway.

I got an interesting prank phone call yesterday, or well, Beau did, but I answered his phone and was on the receiving end of it. I have been trying to get as much stuff done as I possibly can lately, because when I have dizzy days I can't do much, so whenever I wake up and I'm not dizzy or down with some virus, I am up and rushing to get it all crammed in before something comes along and takes me down again. It's always like this for me this time of year though, recovering from car accident head trauma or not, this month is always like one big sprint for the finish line, with Halloween as the prize.

But I digressed, nothing unusual about that is there? So, I had made several phone calls to assorted and sundry repair people and gave everyone both of our cell phone numbers, Beau's and mine, just in case one of us were on the phone, they'd be able to get through somehow. Beau wasn't feeling well when we got home and accidentally left his phone on the passenger seat. He ran up to his room to lie down and I was still in the car finishing up a call when his phone rang so I answered it.

Me: Hello?
Young Girl Who Sounds Like Paris Hilton: What's up bitch?
Me: What?
YGWSLPH: Whas up biotch?
Me: Umm, I'm Beau's Mom, maybe you wanted to talk to him?
YGWSLPH: No, I want to talk to you. You're hot!
Me: Uh, no actually I'm not.
YGWSLPH: You turn me on sexy.
Me: I turn you on?
YGWSLPH: Yeah, you're a hot sexy bitch.
Me: No, I don't think so. I'm more than twice your age. I'm fat, and my boobs are hanging down to my waist. I'm thinking, that's not so hot.
YGWSLPH: That's hot! This is turning me on. I think I'm going to get off.
Me: If you want to get off so badly, I think I'll give you my best tip. Go to one of those adult toy stores, or your local Longs, and buy yourself a Hitachi Magic Wand, best advice I could ever give a girl like you, and I promise you, you will thank me for it.
YGWSLPH: Oh yeah, that's hot. Tell me what you're wearing bitch. I want to get off.
Me: You know what honey, I used to do this when I was your age, and I'm guessing this is the universe paying me back for all the crap I did back then, and that's totally okay with me, but I think I'm the one who should get off.
YGWSLPH: No, I'm serious, wait...

I don't have a clue who that was and neither did Beau because the number was blocked. Oh well, at least she was entertaining, and I swear she sounded exactly like Paris Hilton.

Our yard is coming along. Scott came over Sunday and was super helpful, which was exactly what I needed. He helped me do things I had been dreading doing, like moving all of the dusty cobweb and leaf covered bikes away from the side of the house, and washing off all of the tarps we use to cover them with that had been laying on the ground collecting leaves for so long they had begun to smell like a pile of compost. Today when I went back over and looked at all of the bikes and the freshly cleaned and raked dirt I felt so accomplished and proud. Little simple things that are so hard for me to get done, things that sit around nagging at the edges of my consciousness, really weight me down. I'm so grateful to him for this simple thing because I feel so much freer now and it's kind of helped to push me forward a bit.

After we sorted out the mess on the side of the house we made spindly Halloween graveyard trees out of branches that had fallen from one of my neighbor's trees. I bought some five gallon buckets and quick set cement and we made a huge mess of wet mucky cement and dirt while trying to set the trees. Today I spray painted them black, and they're okay, but they're nothing to brag about, and like I told Scott, the effort to reward ration wasn't particularly high on this project, but it somehow felt good to try something new.

One of our special neighbors, and by special I mean mentally impaired in some way that I would feel to unkind to ask about, hung around and helped us out. He doesn't pick up on social cues and when he speaks he gets kind of excited and babbles a bit. We've been friendly to him for years now and I'm not as afraid of him as I once was when I had been warned by our neighborhood association that he had been fired from a job for harassing women, and had set some fires intentionally when he was angry. Now he mostly walks dogs and walks around the neighborhood and I try to be kind and compassionate without being overly friendly, for Beau's sake, just in case. I just don't know what might set him off and I feel protective of Beau and our animals and home.

Today I spread out about six or seven bales of hay on our driveway, the sidewalk, parkway, walkway and both sides of our front yard. Even though we don't have any of the lights, mannequins, monsters, or tombstones up yet, with just a few props, the hay and the pumpkins, it's suddenly looking super Halloweeny and perky. People are slowing as they drive by and giving us the thumbs up. This is of course the best part of all of this and the reason why we do it, for the neighbors, and especially for their children, who get so much pleasure out of it. I don't know if I can adequately express the joy I feel when I'm gluing, stapling, hanging, or painting something in the yard and I hear someone coming up the sidewalk talking about how great everything looks when I think we're just barely getting started. I'm also hearing how spooky our house is. I never even realized we were going for spooky, but somehow it's kind of migrated in that direction.

In fact I wondered today -- when a neighbor Mom mentioned something about our trying to scare her kids -- when this happened, when had we become that one house that might just be too scary to face? You know, the one you are almost too afraid to walk up the walk to the door because someone might jump out at you, and even though you really want that candy, it just might not be worth it cause it's just too scary? I always thought we were the cute black and orange, super decorated house, but now I'm realizing that tombstones, skeletons, spiders, ghosts, black lights, devil babies, and monsters, are scary. How the hell did I miss this? Where have I been? I was going for fun.

I'm having fun. We zip tied our enormous black cuddly spider girl to our tree, and I hung up my new Halloween art in our church case and on the bulletin board in the kitchen tonight. Tomorrow I'm looking forward to sticking the Martha Stewart window cling witch, kitty, and skeleton shadow things on the windows. Then I have to staple the giant ants to the wall, set up the tombstones, hang the huge monsters, and wait for my friend Duar Duar to come hang our Black Light monster man and help set up all of the electronics. Oh and I have to get the mannequins from storage and dress them. Lots to do, lots and lots to do. And I still have the whole house to clean...

Ack, I'll say it again, ack. I sure am one hot sexy bitch. Soon I'll be one hot sexy Nutrisystem eating bitch. I'm doing it with my Mother. I'll let you know how it goes.

Love you,
Jac

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