Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

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Here are some more of my roses by way of an apology and a thank you.

Hello to all my dear sweet friends here on Live Journal. You guys are the absolute best, and I really do love you sooo much. I just want to thank you for all of your tremendous support during this last super-hard phase of my life. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond individually to all of your posts, or keep up with all of you as I'd like to! I am going to try to improve on this.

I want to go over a few things that I've posted on a few journals, and in comment responses, because I want all of my friends to see them. First off I'm getting more in touch with the fact that I do have something kind of different, or out of the norm, going on with my brain that affects my personality. Something that isn't selfishness, or self centeredness, or lack of love, or caring for you; although it may have looked like that.

I want very much to know all of you, to follow your lives, and to be as much, or more, loving and supportive, than you have been to me. I believe that friendships should be equal, more of a post for a post kind of thing, and I just don't seem to be able to do it. I guess I'm saying this so you'll know that I do want to be a better live journal friend, I just don't know if I can do it. I forget people's names, I get startled and confused when I run into you in Mirc, it takes me too long to notice when someone has added me to their journal list, I forget to read my friend's page, important things go by and I miss them. I don't want to be like this. I care about you and am always worrying that there is an inequity in almost all of my friendships. Sometimes I have conversations with friends in my mind, conversations I mean to have with them, and never do, but I think I did. Sometimes I come by your journals and read back through a months worth of posts, only to be called away to do something without ever having a chance to post.

I'll give you a couple of examples, and I think I may have written about this once before; I love my friend Cydniey, but I have lost touch with her. She worked very hard to be my friend; she was generous, unbelievably generous to me, but I was always fuzzy on the details of her life and very confused. I would try so hard to keep up with her, but I failed utterly, and she has put her energies elsewhere. I understand this completely. We only have so much energy that we can direct towards people on the mid to outer circles of our loving, and at some point if it isn't being returned to us on a consistent basis, we have to move on. I still love her, but we don't really keep up. I have made amends and that's the best I can do for now.

I think you also know that I love my sweet friendanawee. She really puts herself out there, more than anyone I have ever come to know before. All I need to do is click on her link and I can see exactly what she's doing and going through, but I forget. I get overwhelmed by my life, days go by, then weeks, and I may miss something important, and significant, and it hurts me that I wasn't present enough to offer my support, or to just simply be there for her. Luckily for me she has gazillions (BTW does anyone know the order of the big mathematical numerals, what the names are for the numbers that come after trillion on upwards?) of pals and probably isn't too hurt by my drifting in and out. As a friend she has been generous and loving and accepts me as I am. I am so grateful for this.

In the real world, I've managed to hang on to a few friends. They are very dear to me, but I know it's taken some adjusting, and getting used to, on their parts, for them to come to terms with my absenteeism. Again, as with my Live Journal relationships, my focus drifts, no matter how much I try to change this about myself.

I want to be the perfect, most loving, generous, kind, compassionate, present friend. The kind of friend who is always available for a chat on the phone, or lunch and a movie. The kind of friend who gives rides to and from the airport, who comes over and takes care of your pets and plants when you go out of town, who is always there for you when you need a shoulder to lean or cry on, or someone to share the daily grind, and the simple joys of life, with; someone who never ever forgets a birthday or any other significant occasion. These are my standards, and sometimes I live up to them and a lot of the time I don't. I guess I'm just saying all of this here to you so you know what you're in for when you befriend me; someone who loves and cares about you, but who may only be able to do it on an occasional basis, even though she may be thinking of you all day and night, without your ever knowing it. Blonnie comes to mind here, Howie and so many other friends from Under The Bed and LJ. How would they know that I'm thinking about them all the time if I don't tell them that? In fact I am thinking about most of you guys, a lot of the time.

{{{{{{{{{{{{absolution, ajose, ana, angelfsh, ariesgirlie, artvamp, asterick, aznflower, bc_at_29, beachdog, beadge, beatnikside, beautifultoxin, beep, billijean, blonnie, bookfoole, btripp, charitycam, clankyrobot, cleopatra, cyberpup, dankitti, debgirl001, drstrangehair, ectv, edges, enraptured, epiphany, eris, evilhomer, eyean, felinasm, funtxldy, furcas, fuschia, ghostofperky, gigglecam, glossgirl, glow, hellothere, howief, insomnia, iwantacowboy, jadedheart, jimmiebeeee, kily, kiss_columbia, koyoteblu, leanan, lifejunkie, lipstickprint, lola, loverlips, madge, magicwoman, martin_e, maryjo, meredith, mf, missdiamondfan, mom, moonwalker, mootpoint, nc88fan, neko, nevertouch, nomi, olivia, onearmedjim, orien, pageeater, pen, platypus, reeree, rubylou, sandelina, sans_merci, seraaalicious, sheli, skybee, snakewoman, snowshyn, spidergirl69, spot, stephaniesue, stylindog, suburbangothic, tamperevident, tari, theficusgirl, trista, tupelo, t_roll, unquietmind, violane, whorlpool, wordsmith9, yourmother, zoe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I may always fall short of my standards. I may post in spurts and then drift away for a while, and I hope you'll accept that this as a shortcoming of mine, a limitation, and that it has nothing to do with my love for you, or concern for your daily lives. I hope that you will try to understand me and forgive me and maybe accept that this is the kind of friend I am, perhaps you have live journal friends who post a lot and maybe, hopefully, there will also be room for me. I just want you to know that I am very aware of the inequity in our relationship and for the last time, it simply isn't reflective of the level of interest or care I feel for you.

Now whether this is just the mind-of-an-artist kind of thing, or true Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I can't be sure, because other artists I've known, or known about, tend to behave similarly. I'm highly creative, always have been, and have always been able to kind of skate by on my wits without ever really focusing in enough on anything, (other than acting) to become proficient at it. Take for example my writing; many of you have been kind and generous in your praise of my words, and I am very grateful, because it has lifted my sprits and been so encouraging, but I can't punctuate, I write really long run-on sentences and my grammar is off. I get too effusive and use the same adjectives over and over. Simply put, it needs work, although I do buy books and try to learn, I can't focus long enough to get anything out of them, and they fall by the sides of my computer gathering dust and eventually they become buried under piles of whatever else has struck my current fancy.

All of this behavior falls neatly under the parameters of what psychiatrists define as ADD, so I am forced to address this with medication, study, and work at improving my brain's ability to remain focused.

Writing here has been one of the greatest outlets of my life. It definitely beats sitting alone in bed with a journal any day. Maybe I'm cheating myself of the important experience of connecting the movement of my hand, moving a pen over paper, and the corresponding affect this has on the psyche, but it's certainly better than not doing it, which is what has been happening. I've been a spotty journaller all of my life, spotty but with lofty aspirations. Having a record of my life is invaluable to me, but it's your comments and responses that make it all worth while. I'm sure you all know how good it feels to log on and see fifteen comments to a post you put up. I will always be humbly grateful to anyone who would take the time to do this for me. I really want you guys to know that!

Well, that's about all the energy I have left, I'm so drained now, I started out feeling so peppy, what happened? I think I should go lay down, argh, why? Oh well, thanks for reading through this if you managed to.

love you guys,

PS: I'll talk about the funeral when I can face it, maybe later.


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