Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Someone posted this in ana's free forum, anarchy. I hadn't seen it before, bear with me if you ahvem but it's just so funny, especially the part about owning Canadians.

FOUND THIS SOMEPLACE (I think it originated from a tv show...)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant
Orthodox Jew - homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22
and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter
to Dr. Laura.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share
that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need
some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws
and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,
I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would
like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In
this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3.
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanness - Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states
that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are
purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies
to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?


5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not
approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there
some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching
the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if
I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.
24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know
you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Someone mentioned that Michael Moore may have written this. I love him, he's so funny in such a decent way.
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