I am trying so hard to get this house cleaned up before the twelfth, when the staff of Mary Englebreit's Home Matters Magazine comes here to shoot my house for an article. It just seems like this impossible, daunting task, made so much harder by all of this natural grief that I am trying to force myself to get through, much sooner than I should have to.
I'm still struggling with coming to terms with my Father's death. I guess this is normal. I saw this great show on HBO last night, Six Feet Under, that was about a family of undertakers or mortuary directors. It was so good, the writing, the direction, the acting, everything, I really loved it and think it's going to be a huge hit, but it was also really morbid, and having just gone through so much of that; the selecting of the casket and plots, and all the creepy painful stuff you have to do, it just naturally brought up a lot of the feelings of grief and sadness I have around my Dad's passing.
I am very afraid of embalming, it just freaks me out, someone once told me about their using these big bore needles to take the blood out of you, and I was fighting to keep my dad from having to have that done to him, but in the end the Mortuary guy won out, and I gave in. It didn't help to hear one of the characters in the show say he had to put formaldehyde soaked cotton balls up his Father's ass so it wouldn't leak. God, the timing of this, well, it was just too real for me. I started crying and Scott was kind and tried to help, but I think he doesn't know what to do to help me.
I was just opening some eBay stuff that I had bought, and wondered what this hardback book was and then I remembered I had seen this book on the net somewhere and bought it impulsively because the title spoke to me. It's called Father Melancholy's Daughter, just because that's who I think I am, it kind of says it all about my relationship with my Father. He wasn't a well man. He was crazy for a long time and we all had to pretend like he wasn't. I loved him so much but there is so much I never had in my relationship with him. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago, like maybe fourteen or more, he even went to see a psychiatrist (he didn't believe in psychiatry, he always thought everyone was out to rip him off) who put him on Stelazine. Anyway there's still a lot here for me to deal with emotionally, and it's hard to force myself to come up and look at how much work we have left to do, before these people come over. Part of me just wants to cancel but I've already invested so much time and energy in it.
I'm so tired of stressing out over money. Don't any of you guys know of an easy way for me to make money doing what I love right here from my home in a limited number of hours? Ha ha. At least I paid my SAG dues so I don't have to worry about that anymore, but my registration is behind and I wrote big checks to Noemi and Esther that I somehow have to cover. My rent money hasn't come in because my tenant has to pay the loan company, (loan company that's a laugh, it's two women in an apartment), first, then they pay me the difference. I still haven't written to my tenant to tell him that his rent went up in April by 6%. It's frustrating because he knows this, it happens every April, but he always makes me remind him because he resents having to do it. He's making a small fortune out of my building, running it into the ground. If he ever leaves I think all I'll get back is a gross shell. It's been described in the press (when Robert Downey Jr. was hanging out there) as a seedy strip club, weeeeee.
I think maybe I'm a little frightened and depressed, or stressed and depressed. The cat situation is seriously out of control, same with the dogs and the bunnies and the rats, the chinchilla, the ferrets, the lizards and the fish. It seems like everyone, including my son and the two women who work for me, kind of skate by on the minimum they can get away with. Then, when I kind of surface every once in a while from my sleepy underwater fantasy world, I notice everything that has been let go, and wind up seeming like a bitch for getting on them about it. I just hate seeing everything get ruined. It's hard watching pieces of expensive hard won Roseville pottery break little by little because someone forgot to push them back away from the edge of a shelf after cleaning under them, and a cat waked by and knocked them off. I know it's just stuff, I can't take it with me, but I just hate seeing it all crumble and fall apart. Why can't I find someone to work for me during the week who has energy and initiative? I'm such a shmo when it comes to hiring and firing people.
Oh God, I just got off the phone with my Father's nurse Aurelia's daughter Josie. I LOVE Aurelia, she is such a good person. I miss her so much. Rosa, my Mother's scheming, hypocritical, back-stabbing, overly dramatic, compulsive liar of a housekeeper pushed her out of her job and my Mother let her. She let her go without any kind of severance pay after five years of totally faithful loving service. The least she could have given her would have been two weeks pay. Josie was calling to tell me how unjust she thinks her Mother was treated and I couldn't agree more. I listened and completely sympathized with her and then she got off the phone. If I had any spare money, if I hadn't blown it like I always do, compulsively on eBay or at swapmeets, I would send it to her. Josie said Aurelia was completely demoralized. I feel so sad about all of this. I wish there were something I could do. I already stood up to my Mother and tried to defend Aurelia, Mom just said it was for the best, and called Aurelia a cry baby. Lovely isn't it? No wonder I'm so screwed up.