Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

God, I'm so sick of the stress. Things just keep coming at me and I never seem to be able to break free. I seem to go from one stressful upsetting event to another and I think I've been living like this for so long, with small breaks in between when I get away and travel. Well, there are always moments, snatches of happy moments, where I stop and think about how grateful I am to be right where I am, like tonight when I was putting warm compresses on Scaredy-Cat and Beau was helping me, I told him how much I love him and how happy I am when we together doing some small thing like that. The problem is, my depression, or my outlook, or bad mental habits, or whatever it is, is always there in the background nagging at me, telling me to get what little happiness I can, grab what little time I can with my son before it's all over, and he's moved on and doesn't want to be near me anymore. I don't know where it comes from, this frightened pessimism, but I know I had it when I was little. I used to get depressed about going to Disneyland before I even got there because I would think about how soon I would be in that moment afterwards where it would all be over. Maybe that's why I started buying or collecting things obsessively, because it's something tangible that I can hang on to.

I just want to be happy and live in the present, be at peace, not be angry at anyone, or feel insecure or hurt, or driven to achieve something amazing. I'd like to have long stretches of time where I don't feel this constant time pressure nagging at me, there are always so many things that need doing, and I'm never satisfied. When your life's ambitious goal is to win an Academy Award and find some way to do good and make a difference in the world at the same time, there isn't much room for mellow simplicity. I'm always driven but I never get anything done. I'm sick of it. I wonder if I'll ever just accept myself as I am? Will I be all right if I never become hugely successful or famous? What if I just found some warm soft comfortable spot and laid done my burdens? Stopped wanting so much, stopped needing to be someone, stopped feeling this ense of pressure and competition, stopped hurting and yearning when I see so many people I've been close to succeed in the entertainment industry on such a huge scale. What if I just acted like a cat and lived in the now, napping in the sun, forgetting about the stupid future?

I think the only way I'm ever going to be free is if I can break away from my Mother in some way. I am my best, happiest, and most joyously free self when I'm acting or singing, when I'm travelling and exploring, discovering something new, or when I'm at a nude resort or at Burning Man.

Noemi and Beau got into a fight tonight. He was blocking the refrigerator and he refused to move. She got angry and was a bully and pulled his hand off the fridge, she hurt his wrist, but he should have let her pass and refused to. She thinks he was disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, and started the trouble. He thinks she was mean and hurt him. I tried to help them see the other's point of view, but I'm more mad at and sick of Noemi that I am at Beau. She's the adult, she should know better than to get physical with him. She's pouting in her room now, she thinks he's a liar and that he always runs to me and changes the story. He thinks she's a liar and always changes the story. I think they're like a couple of stubborn immature squabbling kids and I'm sick of it.

I so want to have someone who can really help me and be generous with their energy and time. She gets started so late and only seems to really get anything done on the days when Esther comes and they both work together, but the problem is that I just don't have the money to pay two people to catch up on the work that one person can get done if they aren't chatting on the phone all day and moping around. This isn't working and I don't have the courage to face it. Oh and I called my Mother tonight and told her that Aurelia's daughter Josie called and of course she got defensive and turned the whole thing around and made it about Aurelia's abandoning her. My Mother is so unbelievably self centered. Fuck I'm almost forty and I'm still wasting my life wishing she were different, trying to get her to be kinder, more generous or more understanding, hoping she'll open her eyes and see the world the way it is instead of how she imagines it to be. It would be so easy for her to just do the right thing by Aurelia but of course she wont. When it comes to money or emotions my family is useless. Beau is crying gotta go.

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