Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

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My Beautiful, Wonderful, Little Boy


Beau asked me if he had to go to school tomorrow because his teacher told the class, not to come to school if they're going to be grouchy, because she wont be there, and doesn't want to hear anything negative from the substitute. He's so literal, I have to remember this about him.

Last night he came in to my office and told me that he has two pubic hairs. He's so sweet and open with me. It's hard though not to be shy sometimes because he is so honest with me, in the things he asks me about and tells me. I just try to be honest and foster positive open communication around his emerging sexuality. This is very different from the horrible shame based attitude my parents had towards sexuality.

A couple days ago these little girls were calling a lot and asking to speak to Beau, then they'd giggle and hang up. Wow it's a little hard letting go and watching him go from being a little boy into becoming a young man. It just feels like yesterday that I was sitting in his rocking chair in his room at night breast feeding him, and he was stretching his hand out towards the moon and saying goodnight to it.

My ex called today and asked me if he could switch his pathetic weekly visitation from Thursday to Tuesday. I asked him what the problem was and he said that he just wanted to go fencing. Fencing! My whole life with him revolved around his fencing. It's so typical that he would inconvenience everyone for fencing. I reminded him that Dr. Seabaugh, our family therapist, had told him it was really important to stick to the same schedule, and to be consistent for Beau's sake. Something Robby hasn't really been able to do. This is the best he's done in three years, and he never manages to go four weeks in a row, without having to switch it around, or include a girlfriend, or blow him off because he has to go out of town or something.

He doesn't see him on the weekends, doesn't take him to play any sports, doesn't take him to any extracurricular activities, tutoring or classes, doesn't take him to school or pick him up, or take him to the doctor or dentist. He doesn't know his teacher's names and probably doesn't know the names of his two best friends. He doesn't send any child support (I know Howie, I know, thanks,) because he keeps himself poor, lives at home with his Mother, and figures my Mom can support us. He hasn't ever been to any play, event, or recital at Beau's school. He sucks, basically, and it makes me sad, for Beau especially, and also for me because I put so much love and energy into our relationship. I had such hopes for us. I guess it makes sense that he's dating someone half his age who lives on the other side of the country, less commitment, less mess that way, and he can screw around and drink all he likes. There's no one to rebel against and make into Mommy this way. Although he tells me she's educating him, getting him to read, inspiring him to be a better man, yuck. As if I never tried all those years we were together. Nope, never bought him a book, never put them on his night stand, or in his hands at night. Oh God, I'm sorry my friends, please forget that I brought this up. Think of it as ex-relationship spewing. What I wanted to focus on here is my wonderful son who I love so much, and am grateful for every day of my life! I was just reading a journal entry of mine from last year when I was at Burning Man (it isn't here, it's on paper, but I'm going to put them up soon, along with all of my pictures) I was so worried about him because he'd gone with his friend Eduardo to ride over to the Man and it had started to pour rain and I was getting worried. When he came back, all wet and crying, with mud caked all over everything, I was just so grateful to have my little green haired boy back again, nothing mattered more than that.

Oh great after all of this he has just announced from his bedroom that starting now it is opposite day and everything he says means the opposite of what he feels. Ack, help.
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