Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Family, friends, children and hurting.

Oh man you guys, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. These kids are used to a whole different type of lifestyle than we are. The boy has been totally indoctrinated into this macho boy's code of behavior kind of thing. He just hauls of and hits Beau if he gets pissed off and I can't allow that. I so want to be kind and help these guys out but going from one child to four in such a short time is incredibly challenging to say the least.

Edgar (pronounced Ezgar) is used to being smacked around by everyone in his family. If he does something wrong he gets beaten. He's so cute, despite his wild unruly nature. He has these big huge adorable eyes and the most winning smile. But he can be a total macho jerk. He was helping his mother give medications to the cats tonight when Beau came bounding down the stairs to say goodnight to the kittens in the library. The cats HATE these eye medications because they sting, and Ed was holding one for his Mom. When Beau came down the stairs so quickly, the cat scrambled and scratched Edgar. Well Ed, being used to quick, angry, violent bursts of temper, just lashed out at Beau. He grabbed his shirt and then hit him with the heel of his palm in the chest which knocked the wind out of Beau who is totally unused to violence. It hurt, shocked and frightened him.

When he didn't come back upstairs I was sure he was screwing around, trying to get out of going to bed like usual. I found him in the library with his face buried in pillow, crying. He told me what happened and I was so upset. he said he was too afraid to tell any of us what happened because Ed wopuld call him a girl and a baby. Oh man! I told Coco that as much as I want to help her and the kids that Beau is my number one priority and if she doesn't find a way to communicate to her son that hitting Beau or saying hurtful things is totally not acceptable here, then they will have to go. I can choose to make sacrifices for other people but I don't know how right it is to impose really unfair circumstances on someone as burdened as Beau is. He needs good male role models. He needs friends who will buoy his self esteem, not people who will tear it down.

This was earlier but, Ed's big sister Selene (saylaynee) got a broom out of my pantry and brought it upstairs, so she could beat him with it when he acts out. Beau told me he had seen her hitting him with it. I didn't have a clue about this. I thought they were just being a bit lazy about taking the broom back downstairs adn I didn't want to say anything to hurt Coco's feelings when she is having so much to deal with as it is. How can I teach a child not to hit my son when he is being taught to hit by his own family? It's insane.

Of course I told them they will have to find other less violent methods of disciplining the children. Despite my desire to do right by them, and keep my promise to give them a home until they can save up and find one of their own, I am entitled to set the rules of my own home. We are entitled to have a peaceful nonviolent home. They need to make a transformation from physical punishment to communication and privilege removal but that isn't going to happen overnight, and I don't want my poor son, and our cats, to have to bear the brunt of this.

I am worried about money but that's nothing new for me. Instead of trying to feed three of us and sometimes four and five on the weekends, suddenly we have six and eight. I know I shouldn't whine, people get by with so much less than we have, and suffer so much more to do right for others. I mean all I have to do is turn on the TV at three o'clock on any Monday and see what wonderful person is getting the weekly angel award from Oprah to feel like the most shallow selfish person on the planet. I just need to have a place where I can express my thoughts, no matter how mundane or selfish they may seem.

I am really upset about my relationship with my childhood best friend. I hurt her, well at least I think I did, and feel badly, and she wrote me a letter that hurt me. But I don't really feel free to talk about it here until I find a way to make amends, or resolve things with her first. This has been the first apparent drawback to this open journaling process. It also becomes very unfair in that anyone can read my mind at any given time, but without a live journal of their own, I certainly can't check in and read theirs.

I am really fascinated with this ever widening process of self revelation on the net. I remember when there were so few camgals or cams of any kind and now there are so many. It's exciting and yet at the same time I want to say, "Wait stop, give me a chance to catch up before the sheer volume of cam girls becomes so overwhelming I'll get lost in the crowd." I can't even begin to imagine how much more scary ti would seem to me if I had to depend for my income on my membership fees and felt pressured to add on and do things that other people are doing just to keep up and be competitive. I do truly believe in my heart that there is always room for more, that there is always enough, and that everyone will find their place. Not everyone will have to be porny, not everyone will have to have live streaming video and audio, twenty-four seven. People will find their niches, I just want to be a part of this and yet I still procrastinate. For now just writing and posting is more than enough vulnerability to me.

I watched The Nineteen Hundred House on PBS. I had been looking forward to it. It was fun to see this English row house transformed into this very authentic period home. I love the family they selected. They all seemed so close and committed and sweet with each other. Family is a hard thing for me. I've never really felt like I had a real one. The closest I ever came was when I was married to Robby and we would be here at home at night with our little boy and he wasn't acting out or being selfish. Those were the times when I finally felt as if I belonged somewhere.
I wonder if the majority of adopted people feel this way, this sense of disconnected rootless hurtingness.

I think the sense of community I have developed here on the net in various groups, forums, IRC, lists, and now here on livejournal, is the closest thing I have found that meets this need. I really care about the people I know here, and I know people care about me. I don't feel judged or burdened by unreasonable expectations. I feel loved and accepted in a purer sense, for myself and not for what I can do or have to offer, or anything social, or anything like that. And it's the same with Burning man where people are valued for their creativity and their uniqueness and individualism. I wonder if other people feel the same. I am so busy taking care of everyone else all the time that coming here to this whole world of things to do, see, learn and discover is heaven for me. I can't stand that I wind up staying up so late at night and then sleeping during the day. It makes it really hard for me to be available to my non cyber life.

Okay so I need to give you guys a commitment. Let's see, I commit to more water, less Coke, and using my treadmill a minimum of three times for a half hour at a time before this time next week. I also commit to getting out of this room and this house no matter how hard that may seem. I commit to sunlight and visiting friends and getting all of my eBay bills paid and my personal bills handled. I commit to finding a dentist and fixing my car, and visiting my father at least once this week. I saw him in the crosswalk being pushed in his wheelchair last night. it was such a shock to see him out in the world and right there in front of my car. I pulled a U and we all got out and went over and said hi. My parents looked so elderly and fragile, it made me so sad. My Dad just stares off into space and then he suddenly recognize me for just a flash and said, "Oh there you are Jacqui. I'd given up on you." *Sigh*

Do you guys think I'm insane? Am I bipolar and need to be on different medications? Or am I just an extremely sensitive being living in a society that just doesn't have a lot of room for their feelingful creative people? I just know that relationships hurt sometimes. Loving people is risky and painful and yet I can't imagine living my life alone. I keep reaching out as best I can and I keep getting hurt.

Sometimes I think I could just give up trying to get along with people and just exist here with my cats and the natural non human world. I could spend my days outside on the sidewalk watching the bugs walk by and the big black crows and the squirrels running along the telephone wires and jumping from tree to tree. But I love people so much. I want so much to have friends and family to love and be loved by. I want to have people to hold hands with and kiss and just be with. I just have been hurt a lot these last few years, and it's so hard to reach out and trust anyone.

The very bottom line for me though is that I like myself. I think I am loving and generous and have a lot to offer. I know that people who don't get me, who don't really understand me or where I'm coming from, aren't worth my endless quest for their love and companionship. I can't go on and on into my forties and fifties and beyond, being this hungry, naive, little love puppy, trailing behind all of the wrong people, the ones who don't have the capacity to appreciate, love or understand me, while there is a world of people out there who can.

Love you guys,


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