Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Screw it, I'm posting this.

Okay so I think I had mentioned to you guys that i have been going to askme.com and asking and answering questions. It's a nice thing, I like it.
So here is my response to an adoption query;


Hi Daisy,

I totally understand how you could feel this way. I'm adopted too and I have often felt abandoned and rejected, despite the fact that I know my birth-mother was doing the very best she could for me by giving me up. Not only that, but my adoptive mother wanted me very badly. Unfortunately I'm not so sure about my dad. I think he kind of went along with the whole thing, but he came to love me. So, intellectually I know that I wasn't rejected or abandoned, my birth mother just couldn't care for me and made the best choice she could at that time. However emotionally and viscerally I have this deep well of pain. I have experienced a lifetime of feeling rejected, abandoned, unwanted and incomplete. I feel as if I don't belong here and a huge part of me is missing. None of which makes any easy sense so I've had to look deeper and come to terms with this as part of the experience of being adopted, for some people, not everyone. I think it depends very much on the circumstances of the birth and relinquishment of the child.

So despite all of my reasoning and attempts at understanding my adoption, I still have these feelings. I have thought a lot about this and have come to this conclusion, I felt unwanted and rejected from conception by the very thoughts and feelings my birth mother transferred to me in utero. I believe that even as infants in the womb we are feelingful, conscious and acutely sensitive. I think that tiny babies are probably the most sensitive and psychically perceptive of all. They aren't burdened with too much yet and can just feel purely. I believe that stressed out first time Mom's will often have stressed out babies while more relaxed Mom's, having their second children, will have more relaxed second children. This has to be because of the feelings passed back and forth from mother to child in utero. Now I know that you can say that maybe a new Mom will handle her baby differently but this just doesn't account for the totally different personalities that newborn babies seem to posess from birth. I would love to conduct a study along these lines.

I think there is a profound bond there that people tend to dismiss and discount. I think that when a mother sings to her rollicking unborn child and she is soothed and calms down, it isn't some mysterious thing. Or when a newborn infant responds to his parents voices it's because he has been hearing them for all the nine months of his life.

I also believe that who we are and who we become is a complex compendium or layering of all of the events and perceptions and experiences of our lives. I think that how I feel this moment is based somehwat on how I was feeling a moment ago. So how can a child who has spent his entire existence in the womb of a mother who is perhaps traumatized, frightened or ambivalent, or who might even hate the child who is growing wihtin her, not perceive this rejection. In my case my birthmother starved herself so she wouldn't show. It's no surprise therefore that I came into this world hungry and have had a lifetime of struggle with eating disorders.

When an adopted child is born it must yearn for the familiar comfort and scen and sound of it's all important mother, this connection to her being it's link to life, only he never gets to see her again, no matter how pitifully he may cry. Instead he is taken away, wrapped up in a blanket and left in a plastic cot somewhere, held and fed by an assortment of people until he is finally adopted by his loving but unfamiliar adoptive family. Then at some point unfamiliar people with odd voices and smells come along and take the baby.

Despite the fact that support adoption, and will myself adopt a child sometime in my lifetime as my way of giving back and closing a circle, I truly believe that an adopted baby and later child is still in some way looking for it's missing birth mother. So this is essentially the crux of my theory. Babies are extremely sensitive highly feelingful ituitive beings who perceive from within the womb that they are unwanted or that something is deeply wrong, and these feelings come with them into the world, where they are built upon and magnified by the experiences the adopted child has throughout their lives.

All that said I must add that I think adoptive parents are heroes. To take on the love and care of another person's child and make them your own is a magnificent thing. I think that the bond between an adoptive child and parent is as powerful and legitimate as any other, maybe more so. I just think there needs to be more understanding, support, and study for the unique needs and feelings of the adoptive child and later adult in our society. (Clearly teachers can be more sensitive as they ask children to make family trees and study their geneology.) I'm not saying that adoptive people are doomed to a life of yearning and missingness but I just don't think it is as easy as adoptive parents, and defended, adoptive children, want to make it.

To respond to the last part of your question, regarding why your birth parents didn't get to know you before giving you away, my heart goes out to you. Clearly you are in pain and I'm so sorry. I don't think parents who choose to relinquish their children are in any way capable of supporting these children. When they do keep them for a period of time or even hold them for a moment after having given birth, this selfless decision is almost imossible for them to continue with. That's why they didn't take the time to get to know you, they couldn't risk it, becuse they knew how much they would love you.

Hugs,
Jacqui

PS: As a funny but cynical side note; how oddly synchronisitic is it, that my spell check program doesn't understand or know the word utero, and then removed the m from birth mother making it birth other, lol? I happen to dislike my birth mother very much, for private reasons of my own, so I think I'll start referring to her as my birth other ; )
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