Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Hey, I'm feeling happier, how is that possible? Can it be that I'm just this big huge bundle of chemical reactions and with my period fast approaching I'm feeling better for some reason? My boobs hurt. Huh. Who knows. I feel guilty for feeling happy at all when my friends have just recently died. I love them so much. I thought I saw a cat on my bed lifting it's head for a second tonight. I was excited about that. I keep hoping and hoping they'll show up in my dreams like Susan's baby did.

My bladder (I have Interstitial Cystitis, it's hellish, believe me) has been really bad lately. I was thinking it's this flu virus thing I've been fightnig forever but now I'm thinking it's the pwdered lemonade I've been drinking so I'll have to stop that. I already gave up carbonated drinks, liquor, apple juice, orange juice etc.

Am I happy because my beautiful wonderful little boy is sleeping beside me tonight? Could it be because Art Bell is back tonight and talking about one of my favorite Art Bell subjects, rods? Is it because I listed three new things on eBay? Is it because Mom is speaking to me, even though it isn't exactly happy talk, as in, I am so disappointed in you, I don't respect you any more, I will never trust you again, I am very very hurt but we won't go into it.

I miss my cats. I wish life weren't so overwhelming. I miss being in synch with a partner and living together. I wish Scott and I got along better and could live together happily, I so miss living with a partner. Argh, acceptance, being okay with where I am. I'm not too good at this. Blah blah blah.

Love you,
Me

I'm having some kind of allergic reaction, blech, everything itches, it started coming on this afternoon, this itchy, hivey feeling. I just took a Benadryl, hopefully that will help, even my fingers itch. Being in a body is hard, seriously.
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