Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

This is a tarot card I picked from my favorite astrologers web site. What do you guys think it might mean? I love tarot. I had the best reading this morning from my tarot program. I give readings too. I think I'm really intuitive and good at it. I always put it in my list of special abilities at the bottom of my acting resume because it makes for the best possible opening with casting directors. The problem is that I don't remember to take my cards in case anyone asks me to give them a reading. They never have the time anyway.

I wrote a really long response in ana's journal about the horrible incident in central park. Both ana's writing and the actual incident really stimulated feelings about my past and how many times I had been harassed and frightened by men in my life. I started doing a kind of written inventory of the things I had survived. I had never looked at it that way before, and as I went on I realized this was way to deep to include in a response, and to focus my energy on tonight.

I got through one of the things I had been the most afraid of when I was about eight and nine, a neighbor boy who used to beat me up every day when I came home from school, and would climb into our house through the cat door and pin me down and molest me, and realized I had to stop. I'll get to it and post it in my journal sometime when I can handle it. I had never thought about it in terms of harassment or molestation. It was just something that happened to me. But the fact that he stalked and harassed and assaulted me for such a long period of time, and whenever I would tell my parents or his or any adult about it they wouldn't believe me, had a lasting impact on me and set a pattern in motion that has lasted throughout my life. There are several incidents I need to look at but another one that sticks out is about three different men I used to work very intimately with and the kind of crap I used to have to put up with on a regular basis. One of them, my boss, got drunk at a birthday party at my house, and told me that birthday present was essentially in his pants. The other one used to talk so derogatorily about women all the time and had no problem shoving his anti women opinions in my face all the time. The final one had a crush on me and I never knew it until he admitted it to me years later and every single day that we worked together he would come up behind me and rub his crotch on me or pretend to be humping my chair and made cock sucking motions with his hand and his mouth and I just put up with it. I wanted to be one of the guys, I wanted to be a good sport and I wanted to survive by keeping my job. This was pre-Anita Hill. Years later the company got nailed with huge multimillion dollar lawsuits for sexual harassment. If only I'd known. But then again typical me, I still like those guys in a way and wouldn't want to hurt them.

Just today when I was leaving my boyfriends house, in the morning, I was running this thought through my head about rape. I was thinking about what I would do if someone bust into Scott's apartment and raped me. I was thinking that I would rather pretend that I wanted to have sex with the rapist guy so that I could somehow trick him and survive and then he wouldn't kill me. Then I was thinking that no one would believe me because I wouldn't have any bruises or cuts, and then finally I was thinking about what women go though when they try to report a rape and I thought that I wouldn't want to do that. All of this because my partners refuses to lock his door in some kind of weird spiritual challenge to the universe that says, I'm special, I've never been robbed or harmed and as long as I don't envision it I will be safe. But the truth is I am scared when I am there, and when I think he isn't looking I lock the door, and when he leaves in the morning, I am frightened until I get up and lock the door behind him. Why do I live like this, and what's more, why has this become so part of my everyday life that it doesn't stand out to me anymore as being odd? I mean it shouldn't be an accepted everyday kind of thing for a woman to spend any part of her day worrying about being raped, or making sure she carries her keys between her fingers so she can use them as a defensive weapon, or making sure you walk a certain way and dress a certain way and all the rest of that crap. As I wrote that last sentence the man on the radio said a woman was raped near here. When did I begin to accept this and ignore it? When did I start to accept this as normal? How did I miss how this shapes my relationships and the way I look at the world?

I didn't see the whole show about the assaults against women in central park, I happened upon it, but one of the things that upset me was that the reporter had the gall to ask this woman if she would characterize what had happened as being good clean healthy fun that had just gotten out of hand. I appreciated her reply which was essentially that if that was good clean healthy fun then we need to do something about our attitude towards women in this country.

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