June 1st, 2000

Chalkboard

This is yesterdays journal entry but come see my new project, the livejournal of my ex, hee hee.


My Scary Dream; Innocent Little Kitties and the Scissors. Your guess is as good as mine.

Hiya pals, Well I guess I'd like to begin today's journal by saying...this is not today's journal, it's yesterday's. I'd like to take a moment here to say hello to my buddy, my pal, your favorite therapist and mine, Dr. Michael Seabaugh. How about a round of applause for the good therapist? Yeayyyyyy! XOXOXO

Well this is how it goes for me lately with livejournal, I begin writing first thing in the morning, but now that I am doing it in a text editing program, rather than directly into the journal itself, it's easy to just ramble on throughout the day wihtout ever posting the damn thing. I really wanted to tell you my dreams while they were fresh in my mind. I am a big believer in the life of the subconsious and in the importance of dreams as tools to understanding ourselves. I also sometimes believe that what happens in our dreamlife is real in another dimension. That may sound kind of woo woo but my dreams are often so precognitive and vivid that I just can't see it any other way.

What I wanted to write about last night's dreams was this one really horrifying, and I mean horrifying part. But even now, although it's stayed with me to some degree, it has slipped somewhat from my mind. I remember watching a woman, a childlike woman standing in front of me. I am witnessing her do this horrible thing and I am somehow paralyzed and mute, unable to stop her from doing what, in an instant of horror she does. I see her approach this young, sweet, innocent mother cat, who has a little kitten before her, and saying that she is only doing this for her own and our own good, she gently takes a pair of silver scissors and cuts the mother cats head right off. Then it is gone, the cat is dead, and there is a spreading pool of blood, and I am left feeling the kind of rage that would power a volcano. The part that brings up the most emotional charge for me is the way in which she did this, as if she were this loving gentle being and the kitty could trust her. I hate this woman, hate her, hate her, hate her for doing this!!!! Even talking about this, or writing this, brings up this feeling of horrible, impotent rage. I want to kill this person! I cannot bear this extreme evil and cruelty to this innocent little cat, under the guise of doing what is supposed to be right in some way.

In the dream I seem to understand the point of view of this horrible person, this righteous, Christian, fundamental, weird, French-people drown-kittens-at-birth-to-cut-down-on-overpopulation, bullshit reasoning. I don't know what killing the mother cat will do to curb the cat overpopulation but in the dream, to the woman who kills her, it's like having her spayed. Some kind of quickly-cruel to be kind, evil. I want to pop in here and tell you that Russian women of several years ago had some kind of average number of abortions in their lifetimes that was staggering. I had read somewhere that they use abortion, since it was freely provided, as a means of birth control. Sorry gals but I think that's wrong. Come back and talk to me about this when you have been given up for adoption, rather than aborted, and carried a life to term inside you, and then spent years carefully watching over that life, ever alert for signs of danger or harm of any kind that might come to it. I have had two abortions, taken friends to clinics and held their hands during procedures, marched in rallies, and voted for pro-choice candidates but when I had my son something changed, something changed profoundly, for me. I am saying this only for myself and my own body and conscience, because your body is your own and I would never wish to impose my beliefs or thoughts on someting as personal and individual as this on you. I do however believe that there should be some sort of cut off point for abortions and perhaps there is one but I mean there is something weird about it being some sort of sanctioned procedure one day and then murder the next, the only differnece being the fetus is living outside the uterus as opposed to living within. As a vegetarian I don't want to eat so much as one tiny fish egg, so how could I have allowed myself to have so little compassion for something growing inside me.

Okay I'm off it, shred and flame me at will. I've probably really pissed you guys off, or upset you, but I just had to say how I felt about thisand now I'll explain why I went off on this tangent. One of the things that many people in the animal rights movement harp on is animal population control. Pet adoption folks are good people and I admire them, God bless them, but they can get fanatic about the wrong things. Long story, will discuss with you any time you ask. But one of the things that I can't even begin to understand is how they get so jaded, they will kill kittens in utero, right up until they are born. They will put the mother to sleep, cut out her uterus and put it in the freezer, thus ending the lives of all the baby kittens within. They tell me things like oh they just go to sleep. Bullshit, how can freezing to death be a simple, gentle process of going to sleep? Then there are the French, the French who will cook and eat anything that moves. The lovely French who have such arrogant and insensitive attitudes towards animals. To be fair, the French have arrogant and insensitive attitudes towards anything that isn't French, so what kind fo concern are they going to show to baby animals. I mean they probably rate only a molecule higher than something they can puree into a paste and spread on a cracker. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken with an unfeeling French person who says something un-fucking-believably inane like, "Oooooohhhhh you jussst poot ze leetle kitty een ze water and when it goes, poof, la, there it is, no more kitty."

I don't really know where all of this anger is coming from. I tried to pick this dream apart using my handy dandy jungian psychoanalytic dream tools and it didn't come up as having anything at all to do with cats, or abortion, or even the French, who I actually admire in some ways. It came up as being about hating my mother for being so cruel to me. Guess it didn't take much of a mensa member to figure that one out, sheesh. Okay so thanks for travelling that dark and trecherous path with me, because I have all kinds of other things to tell you about.

How about something stupid and lite for a change. I have a new Barbie and she's really pretty. I took the African American generation girl cause she has the worlds cutest corkscrew curly hair, and then I bought the aqua green mermaid outfit that they only show on a long blone haired Barbie and put them together. I've never seen a dark skineed mermaid doll before and she is sooo beautiful. She's sitting next to my radio, the one that is spewing scary late night gulf war government conspiracy stuff. You know what the thing about the Barbie, i was wrong, that wasn't so lite after all if you think about it, there not being too many black mermaid Barbies. Things are definitely improving for Barbie so I don't want to pick on Mattel.

Okay so if you've gotten this far, here's the part I wanted to tell you guys about, but should have mentioned sooner. I've been looking for a way to work through some of this unresolved pain regarding my ex. The same one who dumped me for a stipper over two years ago. The one whose mother welcomed them in with open arms to the home I grew up with him in, the very night she encouraged me to throw him out and pretended to be my friend. I knew I should write all of my anger and resentments down in order to release them and I think maybe I can use our very own beloved livejournal to help. So I've created his very own livejournal. A place where he can log in with his selfish, sexist, jerky thoughts. I'll give you a link here at the end so you can come see me work my eeevil little puppet, ha ha, she says laughing maniacally.

I'm such a political cynic. I believed in Clinton and Gore, and even though I know politicians can get their hands tied, I have still lost my faith in them because of the promises they didn't keep. I am so angry that Clinton promised to help fight discrimination against gays in the military and then gave up on it. I am angry and disappointed that Gore was such an environmentalist and yet we now seem to have forgotten how much damage is being done to our environment. I'm thinking about this now because I just heard that Gore is proposing a bill to curb logging, which I thought was a good thing, until I started to think about the timing of it, and the fact that so many environmental groups say it doesn't go far enough. I don't want to become like someone very dear to me, who is more concerned about whether voting will subject him to being called up for jury duty, than he is about how his one vote can make any kind of difference. It's easy to give up on the system and become totally jaded but I don't want to be. It sickens me that the very people with the best ideals, morals and standards are the ones who sit on their hands and do nothing. It really does offend me. Then of course I know that whenever I judge anyone, I might as well get ready to judge myself because life will flip me faster than a mini pancake, to the other side of the position,just so I can learn what it feels like to be the other guy.

My manfriend just called and he was so happy to get me live but then I had to be courageous and tell him that I couldn't talk right now. Writing here is my version of morning pages, you know the wonderful creativity freeing program, I can't remember the name of the book right now, shoot. Ummmm oh man oh well maybe one of you guys will remember it. Having someone to write for gives me a reason to write. It kind of makes me more accountable for checking in more often. I am so incredibly grateful for Livejournal. I truly am. It sort of ansers all my needs in one happy little cyber-place. I used to hop around to my various fave BBS and mail lists, but now I mostly post here, primarily because it feels better to have my own space and have control of the content, and it feels cleaner to me than diarising on someone elses site. Although I do miss my pals and don't know exactly what I will do to remedy this. I guess I'll just have to find the right rythm and a way to check in to my other favorite places more frequently but with less words. I've thought about cross posting what's going on wiht me to a few differnet places so my pals can keep up wiht me but that sort of feels like cheating and might seem like those individual spaces aren't important to me. Like for example in one of my favorite BBS's at www.anacam.com (you have to go there if you haven't) Oh blah who cares this is about as important as a bowl full of mush. I used to ramble on forever and then people might be too busy to comment on what I said and it would ache and I would feel forgotten, and yet that expectation was totally unfair. That's the needy side of me that I am scrupulously honest about but that doesn't seem very attractive to the vast majoria of folks out there. Additionally people in anaworld are so kind and generous to me and I am loved as much as anyone else so I feel stupid for wanting more anything. So this works out just fine for now.



COME SEE
The Livejournal of Robert Callirro; An Errant Messenger on the Path to Love, Compelled by the Hand of Another.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/imajerk/