June 14th, 2000


Working things out and MTV's Real World in New Orleans.

This is David from the cast of the new Real World in New Orleans, he carries a little Ernie doll around on his backpack because the little boy who he was mentoring gave it to him just before he died. He wants to be the first black bodybuilding President of the United States. I don't know, I just really like him, when I know Julie is the character we are meant to focus on.

Oh my God, this has been the most unbelievably stressful day!!! I'm happy because it looks like some of my livejournal friends have written to me, but I haven't had a second of free time to read what they wrote. I'll catch up you guys as soon as I finish posting this, thank you all so much for your support. I love you guys!!!!

My priorities today were to write a letter to my friend, apologizing for the things I did that hurt her, and trying to salvage the relationship, while at the seem time being true to myself, and cleaning up this continuing backlog of auction wins from eBay. The pain in my neck is excruciating. It's interesting to me that I refer to it as a pain in the neck. I think that's pretty indicative of how I feel about some of the problems I have going on in my life right now.

I've been using this jumbo vibrator to try to deal with the tension in my neck and shoulders. It's funny but I thought it would somehow turn me on, and confuse my nervous system, (you know, that familiar little hum), because this is not what I generally use these vibrating devices for ; ) But I'm so freaked out lately that I am totally numb below the waist, well except the pain I have from this minor, over the counter kind of problem, I keep passing back and forth with my partner, and the vibrator had no erotic effect on me whatsoever. So much for Pavlov's theory when the doggiess are experiencing extreme emotional distress. I guess that bell goes ding ding, and the dogs run for the computer, and web surf all night long, instead.

I think I know what I would need to do to be in really great shape and health, but it seems so daunting I can't even break it down into it's tiniest steps and begin.

Beau and Edgar are not getting along at all. Ed is a serious pain in the ass. He's about as provocative as anyone can be. He was lonely all day waiting for Beau to come home. Both boys promised to behave themselves and I promised to take everyone out for manicures (the gals wanted manicures) dinner and a movie, if they could all just get along for one afternoon. So here I was anxiously trying to write the perfect letter to my friend, my therapy appointment looming ahead, and suddenly there was a huge clatter in the room next door. I heard yelling and thumping and scrambling around, and then suddenly Beau was at the door crying and swearing.

They had all been hangin' out in Coco's room, doing art with their pens and paper pads. Edgar and Talia had been grounded for the mini-flood they created in my bathroom, after having promised not to. Selene, who had been assigned the job of making sure they didn't flood the bathroom, had chosen instead to call her boyfriend, from behind the locked door of my toilet room. She had even taken magazines and books and propped them up against the glass partition that divides the toilet from the tub, so that the kids wouldn't be able to interrupt her long distance call. They took this to mean they had a pass to splash.

So for some incredibly bizarre reason, having to do with his being pissed off at being grounded, Edgar decided to tell Beau that had taken Beau's favorite toy, the one that means the most to him, (his remote control truck), and destroyed it. He told Beau that he had broken it all up into little pieces, when he hadn't done any thing of the sort. Well, Beau, who had just been waiting for an excuse to hit him, ever since I had given him permission to defend himself, promptly forgot about the defense part, and hurled himself across the room, and socked Edgar in the chest. Edgar, not to be outmanned by anyone, wound up and slugged Beau as hard as he could, in the shoulder, which then prompted Beau to kick Edgar, who then kicked Beau back. Selene was trapped in the middle of this whole angry boy melee.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to therapy, and wound up having our session over the phone. Mostly i talked about my mean, selfish, ice cube of an ex and father's day. Then afterwards I took Beau and the girls to the drug store, to buy shampoo and gel and hair accessories, and some of the other personal things they didn't have yet. Then we went to McDonalds for Teenie Beenies.

I get really compulsive about Mcdonald's Teenie Beanies. I am such a total sucker for good marketing. Now Talia is throwing up the fabulously healthy McDonald's food I got for her. Well, at least it got me out of the house, even now I'm asking myself if I have enough energy to go back and see if I can get another Millennium Bear. Is that nuts or what? Don't answer, I'll do it for you, yes it is!

I can't let you go without commenting on the first episode of the new Real World. I'm a sucker for anything voyeuristic. But you guys know that by now. Yup, the gal who picks on her own manfriend for being a TV addict, has now got three nights in a row, of reality television programming, lined up for at least the next few months. We've got The Nineteen Hundred House on Mondays, followed by The Real World in New Orleans on Tuesdays, ending with Survivor on Wednesdays. Let's not forget Cops, Animal Planet's show with the vets, (although I also kind of like the Crocodile Hunter cause how can you not like that wacky guy), Trauma, and HBO's Real Sex, and that Taxi Confessions show. This is perfect karmic justice, for my having picked on Scott, for being such a friggin nut about TV, that not even two simultaneously running VCR's, can cover all the shows he might have to watch at any one given time. Thereby preventing us from being able to do something else, because heaven forbid he might miss his third "track", as he likes to call it. Judge not lest ye be judged, right on my friends.

So, The Real World in New Orleans; okay, well, what's not to love about New Orleans, there's a hook for me right there, and I've had that casting special going on all week, and was rooting for my favorite people. I'm kind of sad that this blonde gal who was so sweet didn't make it, but maybe she is going to be on Road Rules cause she was seriously athletic. I also thought the African American girl from South Central, LA would make it for sure, so I'm totally confused about that, hmmmm.

I love the Mormon gal, and the muscly guy, David from the South side of Chicago, seems really nice. Despite the fact that Julie seems to be the heart of the piece, I really love this guy David. I also like the handsome, sweet, gay guy. What was surprising to me, and a great lesson in not making judgments based on first impressions, is that I wound up being kind of turned off by the little wild gal, and really adoring the strange, blonde, white guy with the signature glasses, when I had originally felt completely opposite.

What truly sucks about The Real World is that it is more emotionally manipulative, and predictable, than a stack of Steven Spielberg pancakes with extra syrup. I mean, we know that some of them will couple and uncouple and fight. We know that someone will be the irritatingly problematic, grating and selfish, should-we-throw-him-or-her-out-of-the-house, roommate. And of course the Mormon gal who thinks gay men are disgusting, but doesn't want to be prejudiced, and the nice, gay guy who is trying to be faithful to his closeted partner, are just ripe for the good, TV-Juice, picking. Never mind that they have a white, upper class guy from the North Side of Chicago, and a body conscious black guy from the South. I don't know quite what to make of the other pretty blonde that everyone is going to want to have sex with, but I like that she was supportive of the gay couple. I'm looking forward to the episode where the Mormon girl's father comes down to save her from sin and fornication. Well, aren't you?

Okay back I go to toil in the eBay mines. Please wish me a relaxed neck.

Love you guys,

My expert, ha ha, opinions in askme.com and other stuff

Hi Pals,

I'm still slogging away at the computer, gonna send all of todays envelopes off soon. The tesnion in my neck is better but still present, it's more evenly distributed and spread out. Ack.

I took some pictures of the kids today, they were so cute, fighting and making little bunny ears or cuernos (devil's horns) over eachother's heads. Sadly this brought up for beau the time he was at his creepy paternal grandmother's house and she got really mad at him for making little bunny ears over his father's head. He never thought of them as devil ears and was just having fun, but because she's Mexican (and greeeeek, don't forget that, oh God no) she sees it as this terrible insult and always fights with her children when they play as they take pictures. It's particularly galling to me that she feels protective of Robby against Beau, as if I would poison my son against him. How stupid. She never knew me at all, or she would never asume something as stupid as that.

Hey, today is the fourteenth anniversary of my wedding to the man who won't call us, or bother to divorce me, making me some kind of wife sister to the woman he left me for and married in Las Vegas, weeeeee. I'm okay though, I love my manfriend and have a beautiful son and a house full of cats. If that isn't enough there's always the sound of splashing water in the fountain just outside my window, and the gentle sounds of exploding toy bomb bags in the distance, as my happy non-competitive child, romps and plays in the middle of the busy street refusing to share his shiny silver packets of noise with our new room mates. Ahhh and now comes the incessant honking of my mother, how lovely...

I guess I'll post these adoption writings later, argh.

Screw it, I'm posting this.

Okay so I think I had mentioned to you guys that i have been going to askme.com and asking and answering questions. It's a nice thing, I like it.
So here is my response to an adoption query;

Hi Daisy,

I totally understand how you could feel this way. I'm adopted too and I have often felt abandoned and rejected, despite the fact that I know my birth-mother was doing the very best she could for me by giving me up. Not only that, but my adoptive mother wanted me very badly. Unfortunately I'm not so sure about my dad. I think he kind of went along with the whole thing, but he came to love me. So, intellectually I know that I wasn't rejected or abandoned, my birth mother just couldn't care for me and made the best choice she could at that time. However emotionally and viscerally I have this deep well of pain. I have experienced a lifetime of feeling rejected, abandoned, unwanted and incomplete. I feel as if I don't belong here and a huge part of me is missing. None of which makes any easy sense so I've had to look deeper and come to terms with this as part of the experience of being adopted, for some people, not everyone. I think it depends very much on the circumstances of the birth and relinquishment of the child.

So despite all of my reasoning and attempts at understanding my adoption, I still have these feelings. I have thought a lot about this and have come to this conclusion, I felt unwanted and rejected from conception by the very thoughts and feelings my birth mother transferred to me in utero. I believe that even as infants in the womb we are feelingful, conscious and acutely sensitive. I think that tiny babies are probably the most sensitive and psychically perceptive of all. They aren't burdened with too much yet and can just feel purely. I believe that stressed out first time Mom's will often have stressed out babies while more relaxed Mom's, having their second children, will have more relaxed second children. This has to be because of the feelings passed back and forth from mother to child in utero. Now I know that you can say that maybe a new Mom will handle her baby differently but this just doesn't account for the totally different personalities that newborn babies seem to posess from birth. I would love to conduct a study along these lines.

I think there is a profound bond there that people tend to dismiss and discount. I think that when a mother sings to her rollicking unborn child and she is soothed and calms down, it isn't some mysterious thing. Or when a newborn infant responds to his parents voices it's because he has been hearing them for all the nine months of his life.

I also believe that who we are and who we become is a complex compendium or layering of all of the events and perceptions and experiences of our lives. I think that how I feel this moment is based somehwat on how I was feeling a moment ago. So how can a child who has spent his entire existence in the womb of a mother who is perhaps traumatized, frightened or ambivalent, or who might even hate the child who is growing wihtin her, not perceive this rejection. In my case my birthmother starved herself so she wouldn't show. It's no surprise therefore that I came into this world hungry and have had a lifetime of struggle with eating disorders.

When an adopted child is born it must yearn for the familiar comfort and scen and sound of it's all important mother, this connection to her being it's link to life, only he never gets to see her again, no matter how pitifully he may cry. Instead he is taken away, wrapped up in a blanket and left in a plastic cot somewhere, held and fed by an assortment of people until he is finally adopted by his loving but unfamiliar adoptive family. Then at some point unfamiliar people with odd voices and smells come along and take the baby.

Despite the fact that support adoption, and will myself adopt a child sometime in my lifetime as my way of giving back and closing a circle, I truly believe that an adopted baby and later child is still in some way looking for it's missing birth mother. So this is essentially the crux of my theory. Babies are extremely sensitive highly feelingful ituitive beings who perceive from within the womb that they are unwanted or that something is deeply wrong, and these feelings come with them into the world, where they are built upon and magnified by the experiences the adopted child has throughout their lives.

All that said I must add that I think adoptive parents are heroes. To take on the love and care of another person's child and make them your own is a magnificent thing. I think that the bond between an adoptive child and parent is as powerful and legitimate as any other, maybe more so. I just think there needs to be more understanding, support, and study for the unique needs and feelings of the adoptive child and later adult in our society. (Clearly teachers can be more sensitive as they ask children to make family trees and study their geneology.) I'm not saying that adoptive people are doomed to a life of yearning and missingness but I just don't think it is as easy as adoptive parents, and defended, adoptive children, want to make it.

To respond to the last part of your question, regarding why your birth parents didn't get to know you before giving you away, my heart goes out to you. Clearly you are in pain and I'm so sorry. I don't think parents who choose to relinquish their children are in any way capable of supporting these children. When they do keep them for a period of time or even hold them for a moment after having given birth, this selfless decision is almost imossible for them to continue with. That's why they didn't take the time to get to know you, they couldn't risk it, becuse they knew how much they would love you.


PS: As a funny but cynical side note; how oddly synchronisitic is it, that my spell check program doesn't understand or know the word utero, and then removed the m from birth mother making it birth other, lol? I happen to dislike my birth mother very much, for private reasons of my own, so I think I'll start referring to her as my birth other ; )

Cat's can use the toilet : )

This was in response to a question regarding toilet training cats.


Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I don't get too many questions from these pages and my email in box is flooded!!!

However I love this place and am always happy to help in any way I can.

Hmmmm, well let's see, of course all of my cats are box trained but if by toilet trained you mean have I ever been able to teach them to use the actual toilet, then yes three of them are. But, they trained themselves and they only use it for peeing and won't poop there.

There is a toilet training litterbox type seat that you can purchase for this purpose though and I've heard it works really well. Apparently you place this toilet shaped pan over the seat and fill it with flushable litter. Kitty figures out that the box has been moved because you put her in it and let her smell around and scratch a bit. After he or she has become used to this new location you begin cutting out the center of the toilet seat shaped pan a little at a time. She or he will simply stand further and further away from the hole until the pan is so wide you can just get rid of it and the cats will be used to standing over the hole.

This sounds great if you have one or two cats, but when you are someone like me who has more than they should, it doesn't seem to practical. Of course I always wonder what happens when you are using the bathroom when your cat suddenly needs to. Will they wait their turn outside or sit patiently by your feet? And then there's the whole problem of flushing, I've never heard of anyone getting their cats to do that, so chances are if you ever plan on having guests over they might be treated to the lovely site of kitties leavings in the bowl.

My smartest cats are the one's who have figured out that peeing in the toilet is easy and keeps their paws litter free. These are also the same cats who sleep under the blankets, open and close doors and drink with their paws. They are Burmese, Siamese and Cornish Rex so I don't think it has anything to do with breed types. They also like to pee over any drain holes like bathtubs and sinks.

Well, I hope that helps. I'm sure you can find the kit on petopia or pets.com or at your local pet store. Le me know how it goes.


I was in the weirdest mood all day today

Hi you guys. Man I was in such a weird depressed mood today. I think I meed to exercise. I was excited about watching Survivor and now I've decided that I hate it, and they can count me out as of episode three. I probably would have been out, as soon as the second show started, but I missed it.

This gal is my current personal hero; Sonja Christopher, I wish I knew her and could go sing a song with her on the Ukelele.

I just can't stand all of the animal killing. Hello, these people aren't really stranded on this island and don't need to be killing all of these creatures. I mean it's all so demeaning and pathetic and meaningless.

The best person they had on the whole show, Sonja, was voted off first. What a total waste. I'm so mad. I thought I would come to care about the people and I just can't. How much rat murder, and beautiful sea creature murdering, can a person take? I was looking forward to chats around bonfires and intimate revelations and human decency mixed in with a fair amount of sex. What was I thinking? Plus I absolutely hate that stupid, smug, show-host rule guy. Fuck him. The episode I will enjoy the most is the one where the survivors mutiny, grab his mike, strip him naked and drag him back to camp for a degredation party. Yuck.

Here's Sonja with her son. What a little sweetheart, let's boot her off, yah. Did anyone catch that she was the only one who never said anything negative about anyone else? How brave of her to have even considered hooking up with this commercial piece of crap.