June 15th, 2000

Chalkboard

Girlfriends, friendship, and gaybies.


Don't know how long this will stay up because I'm not hosting it so snag it now if you like it : )Isn't this daguerreotype interesting? I like the patterns of their dresses and the way their hands are intertwined. There's something strange about the hand of the woman on the left and the way it's resting on the belly of the woman on the right. I mean it looks like there are extra hands in there somehow.



I guess I picked these images because I'm thinking a lot about the meaning of female friendship and sisterhood in my life. I'm thinking about lesbians and twins and being an orphan. I think I'm just really missing close female friendship and have never known how to create and sustain it. This was never modeled for me at home. My mother was a great beauty and knew how to make great friends of men but with women and even with me she has always been very competitive. Now that all of her men have died or are dying off she does have some female friends but she can't bear to hear them cry on the phone or complain about their aging and ill health. Isn't that sad?

Her life long secret love was the CEO of an instantly recognizable, billion dollar corporation. I'm only censoring this out of a sense of filial duty and love, despite my extremely divergent lifeview.

I love women and have always been attracted to them, but my mother has always been extremely lesbiaphobic. She "doesn't mind" gay men, but lesbians "turn" her stomach. How weird and unfair is that? I've always thought it indicated a hearty case of the, "Oh no no no, not me, I'm certainly not a lesbian," me thinks she doth protest too much, blues. She imposed these fears and prejudices on me throughout my adolescence, and even now as an adult she censors none of this closed minded fear crap.

When she "gave" me this house she kept it in trust, saying that the only thing I could do to make her kick me out would be to become a lesbian, marry a black man or "bring home a mulatto grandchild." Christ that's repulsive, her attitude, not my becoming a lesbian and marrying a black man. Although aren't those two things a bit mutually exclusive? I guess I could always marry a lesbian and find a kindly black sperm donor. Or I could marry a black lesbian and she could carry our gaybie : )

I haven't resolved things with my old friend. I wrote a long much struggled over letter to her, but haven't heard back. I always feel like the girl at the edge of a lake who can't swim and is sadly curled up there on the shore watching everyone else sail their little boats.

Thank God I still have my friend Susan who has worked so hard to understand and accept me as I am. I am so grateful to her for her friendship. I am going to go see her at her new home by the beach today. I want to make her a card before I go.

Hector, my helper pal, who quit last week when he just couldn't handle all of the fighting between Esther and Coco has come back. I think I'll be able to keep him busy with fix it work for at least a couple more weeks. I don't think I'll be able to get the money for the studio add on to the garage. I'm struggling to pay a loan on my building right now and I'm worried about paying for the market.

Last night my mother called ten times while we were all out playing in the garden with the neighbor kids and their Mom Lilly. It was so nice watching everyone play on their scooters, bikes and skateboards and fall collapsing in a big boy heap on the neighbors front lawn. I heard the phone ringing from the street but wasn't about to sprint for it. She was calling to shriek at me for buying a bunch of vintage barcloth fabric on eBay and charging it to her. Wait till she finds out what I've done with homegrocer. Money and Mom, don't judge me or hate me for it, it's such a long story.

love you guys,
Jacqui

Chalkboard

Uh Oh...



Oh noooo you guys I just drank this Peach Iced Tea Snapple with my sandwich for lunch and it tasted kind of bitter but I thought it was just the cheese in my sandwich (argh I keep writing snadwich and having to correct it) but then I just looked at the cap and it's kind of rusty looking, and there are two rusty stains on the neck of the bottle. Okay well, remind me about this later when I'm complaining about stomach cramps okay?

Jacqui