June 20th, 2000

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Oh noooo I wrote a note to you guys and then lost it. Man, boo : ( I thought it wouldn't do it if I was writing it in this little window, oh well, live and learn eh? I have got to back up my computer, I haven't done it in a while and I have way too many things saved here. I have to hook up my zip drive and my scanner but I am intimidated, isn't that silly/lame?

I'm only up here for a second while I check on a couple of auctions and get caught up on some e-mail. I went to be waaayyy too late last night. Even Miss April had gone to bed before me, I think.

I'll tell you why I can't be a cam girl. Because then I wouldn't be able to take a rubber band like this one here, and put my hair up in a pile, and never wash it or take a shower for three days.
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last night I felt really badly for ana who was having what looked like a scary anxiety attack, poor little lamby girl. I wanted to be able to reach through the computer and make it all better but I kept smacking up against the glass. oooff. I thought maybe a few jokes, or a hug or some nice new candles or a friendly calming presence, or my favorite meditation healing sound, that I learned from Mr. Famous Indian Guru Guy, whose name I'm not able to access through my sleepy, early morning, brain fog might help.

I'm watching the wonderful home decorating shows on Discovery. They're just so mellow and fun and non stressful, you know? I feel safe knowing there won't be anything here that will yank out my heart and give it that emotional TV twist, that's going to make me cry or feel like our planet is just so screwed up we won't last another generation.

Commercials are really getting goofier. The reason I took the time to write to you is because I saw the funniest commercial on Discovery and wondered if you'd seen it. It has these two very average guys in rock costumes, hanging by wires, bouncing, and being hit on the head by more rocks. It's an ad for discovery.com, and they are purposely being really cheesy and lame. "Hello Meteor," "Hello Meteor," "I learned that most meteors burn up in Earth's atmosphere." Then like a bad fifties science project or something, they burst into flames and say "Aaaaaaaa the atmospheeeere, aaaaaa the atmosphere" in these completely expressionless voices. Oh man I laughed so hard. I love a good bizarre commercial that comes out of the blue and makes me laugh.
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Oh nooo, I just checked my messages and my poor neighbor Tony called. She's so nice. She's the neighborhood pet coordinator and is always helping everyone rescue their pets. She's been putting up signs for two whole weeks everywhere looking for her favorite cat Peanut. She even called a pet psychic who told her she thought he was dead and that it had something to do with a big park nearby. It didn't make sense to her at the time but then yesterday she decided to go by this huge park where they have rehabilitation therapy for veterans and part of the therapy involves fruit and vegetable gardening and when she went there they told her they had found her cat two weeks ago and that it had been mostly eaten by a coyote. Poor thing : ( I just called her and she picked up the phone because she had gone back by to find the spot where he dies so she cut lay some flowers there and say good-bye but then when she talked to the vet who had found him he described him as having had a rhinestone collar and Peanut didn't. So now she is going back to take an identical collar to see if it's the same. I feel so sorry for her. I've been there. I'm still trying to forgive my jerk ex for having tossed my beloved Rudy cat out the front door at night because he had sprayed something. We know not to put them out at night ever because of the coyotes. Of course Robby big swaggering dolt that he is thought nothing would happen and in the morning there was Rudy in pieces on the neighbors lawn. I forgave the coyotes but I can't forgive Robby and I know that I need to or there will forever be a piece of my soul attached to this moment in time, and dragging me back.

I wish there were some special person out there who would pay me to just do what I do on the computer everyday. I would be so happy to just sit here and make art and keep learning how to work programs. Then I could be their little design slave doggy girl. I know you guys think I have money because I talk about my babysitter/housekeeper/assistant pals but the truth is I live so hand to mouth and am always juggling and playing catch up with the bills. My jewelry and my silver are in the pawn shop because I needed the money to pay for a pet surgery last year. Now I'm just brazenly charging things to Mom, but I certainly couldn't ask her to help bail me out, it always has to be a little game. It's just that my wacky mother pays for things that she deems necessary but not things I might really need or even things I want. It kind of goes like this, "Mom I need money to rent a motor home so we'll have shelter from the sun and alkali storms in Burning Man this year." Then she says, "Absolutely not, I won't have you parading around naked with a bunch of savages in front of my grandson. besides I haven't a dime. Now let's talk about what kind of suit I'm going to buy you for my luncheon and I would like to take you to Hawaii with me on the fourteenth. Oh look my fifty boxes of shoes have arrived." I'm sure I must sound so stupid and spoiled to you guys when I talk about this kind of stuff. I just want to be able to have enough money to not have to worry about and play games with the bills every month. Like today for example, I had to call GTE and give them my mother's credit card because she won't pay for it directly but she will pay for it if I do it this way. I try to justify all of this insanity by thinking of it as a job, a very stressful job with energy-sapping, life-taxing, consequences, and we all have those. Then again my soul's mission this time around might be to learn how to be independent and stand on my own. Wouldn't that be nice?

If I had a good chunk of extra money right now, and I'm not talking about a lottery sized amount, I'd hire the best recording engineers and the best studio and the best graphic designer and get help distributing and helping my Scott record and release his CD. I mean it makes me sick that he is so unbelievably talented, he is the best songwriter and has the sexiest, sweetest, richest voice, and no one is hearing any of this right now.

When he performs live, people swoon, but he doesn't see this because he is too sad that his band broke up, and he is exhausted from having to be a total wage slave worker bee for a mean selfish law firm. Oh if I could just go in there one day like Rambina, with huge guns strapped to my chest and knives on my calves, and bust him out of there in a hail of bullets. (Ha ha I can just see those poor FBI-CIA-Grey-People-cyber-text-editors scratching their heads and jotting down notes about some probable future disaster, as I sit here in my too short tee-shirt and try to release the mounting tension in my neck.

I made some little pics for beachdog. I don't know if he'll want to use them but it was fun to do and I love doing nice things for people I hardly know. It's such a loving good karma boost, plus it was a blast. I remember the first time I came to Livejournal, thank you ana, I read about Mooty or shoot I'm so sorry, someone kind, making pics for friends here and I thought, wow I wish someone would make me a pic. Now I know how and am making them for other people, weeeeee, progress feels good, it really does.
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Oh dear this is hard, which should I choose, Oprah who makes me cry too much, or boring but interesting and predictable Lynnette Jennings and home projects? Oh no it's no problem Lynette ended and Christopher Lowell is on. I like him, but I'm not convinced of his taste. It's kind of like Ladies Home Journal when I've graduated to House and Garden. Okay let's see what Oprah has on. A very handsome graceful black man and she's reading a letter from his father and he's crying, maaaaaannnnn. Oh it's Tiger Woods. How can I not love Oprah, I just have so much sadness and stimulation and need some flat nothingness sometimes, you know? See Godamnit I'm crying. I knew it, I knew it. And now I'm crying again, great this is a, best of letters sent in, show. Remember the one where this little boy Andrew, who wasn't popular in school, but whose teacher who died had made him feel cared for? He wrote in to say how much he loved her and wrote this beautiful poem to her that ended; (this from my best recollection,)

...farewell dear teacher
you served us well,
God needs you now,
he's ringing the bell,
I understand why
you left us at last,
God needs you to lead,
his angel class"

That just kills me. Okay and now I'm crying again because this little boy wrote in for his best friend who loves Shaquille O'neill. They flew him out to meet him and here was this big man taking the time to come see these two tiny little boys, and they show them walking together down a hallway. Oh and now there is a woman who wrote in because when she was a little eight year old girl she and her brother had been in this car when her mother committed suicide by driving their car into the lake. Her brother had rolled down the back window and pushed her out, and she wanted to meet the man who had saved her so she could tell him that she was okay. sheesh see what I mean, I love this show, but it's hard to take sometimes.
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You know what I do that is kind of lame? Instead of just posting things throughout the day as they come to me, I just keep this thing on my desk and keep writing in it. Then every once in a while something will go wrong and I'll get pissed and wind up writing everything in this text editor anyway.

Note to beloved Brad; hurry, hurry and implement a spell checker. People will probably want to squish me for this but I would be willing to pay for an upgraded feature version of livejournal. (To be honest I'd be happy to pay for this because I love it so much) Maybe that would be a good plan to offset the costs, because how can he possibly handle all of this for free? You know, if this version that we all use is the stripped down version and he developed a more sophisticated version for us lamers who can't learn the HTML quickly enough then people could pay for the upgraded version. He could have text, color, links and insert photo buttons then we'd be set. Okay squish me now.
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I'm a huge fan of the brand Oilily. I fell in love wiht their happy colorful prints and colors when Beau was little and could wear them. They even make women's clothes but they don't fit. If you ever want to make me happy you can always get me anything from Oilily, like a pencil. My favorite thing is this label that is 3D, I looove anything lenticular, I don't know why I just have a big thing for it and keep all of my little cards and things in this album in my library.

Oh yeay my sweet darling monkey boy son is home, I'm so so happy, I'm going to give him the biggest hug and kiss.