July 16th, 2000

Chalkboard

Art and Dream Sex with Kurt and Courtney, hmmmm.


Andres Serrano: Untitled 1

Andres Serrano, New York, 1999.
Mixed media on metal, 8" x 10".


Training the kitties not to walk on the computer is one of the really hard things to do with cats. The whole things just always seems so exciting to them. They seem to like the sounds of the keys and the movement of my fingers. The blinking cursor is a definite tease and when it moves it's kitty torture. Did that sound vaguely sexual to you guys? Yikes, I'm hungry, and I don't mean for food.

I had the most intensely sexual dreams last night. They started out kind of normal and then built into this amazingly intense orgiastic thing with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain.

I am at my house, but it's different. I have a warehouse in my yard and I keep all kinds of things there. A gas man has come by to help me do something and I am telling him about my ex and how he did a really rotten job building this house. The gas man needs to get to some kind of panel but it's in this warehouse behind all of this art and I need to move it. In moving it, I manage to organize my entire garage and am feeling really proud of myself. I am thinking that my ex was wrong about me and that I wish he could see how well I've done since he left.

Then these mean people come and accuse me of being too weird and sexual and are going to prosecute me for having an open mind and too wild taste. They start gathering up my art and possessions as evidence. I am really upset and devastated.

Then the person I was turns into a man and I am outside myself watching this. I feel sorry for this man who is being persecuted. (Damnit, I've done too good of a job convincing this kitty that I'm kind and now he won't leave me alone while I'm typing. I think I'll have to kiss attack him so he'll want to go away.) He has a piece of art made by Andres Serrano. It's a sort of small water piece with the image of a penis, hanging over it, as if it is going to pee. The man who owns the warehouse is squatting next to this sculpture and trying to explain to a judge why he likes it. He says that it is a meditation on masculinity.

There is going to be a concert and performance art piece in support of this art collector's rights. I meet Courtney Love here. She isn't well known yet but I know that she will be. She is bitchy and controlling, she asks me to hold her purse and something else of hers. She hands this second thing to Beau in a really offhand manner. She says something rude to me. I tell her off and she asks me if I know who she is. I tell her that I don't give a damn who she is, and that I won't let anyone treat me or my son rudely, and that we are just as important as anyone here.

Later I make friends with her by trying to save all of her kittens and puppies. They have been left in her house without their mothers, who are here with us in this warehouse. Now it is her warehouse. I go into the house and try to scoop up as many baby animals as possible, using my shirt as an apron, and bring them back to nurse. There are too many, and they keep falling out of my shirt. When I get back to the mama cats and dogs there aren't enough nipples to go around and I am so worried about all of these baby animals.

My old friend L. is here with me. We are going to go by Courtney and Kurt's house to say hi. I am beginning to feel this powerful chemistry with, and desire for, Courtney. L. is becoming jealous. We go by C's house and I am giving her some bracelets but L. becomes really angry because she wants to give her something too. So we take it all back to the warehouse and L. steals some of C's Bakelite buttons. I want to take care of L. and make everything all right for her. I don't want her to be sad and jealous. I love her very much so I want to help bridge the gap for her with C. C. comes by and I try to explain to her about L. wanting to be her friend too, but it doesn't really work. Courtney is with Kurt and she invites me out with them. I agree to go only to explain the Bakelite bracelet thing and to try to explain L. to her.

We are in the car and I am giving Courtney all of these beautiful bracelets I collected and made for her. We are really liking each other and Kurt likes me too. Somehow we are back at their place and C. is trying to persuade K. to have a three way with me. I am incredibly excited about making love with Courtney. I want to kiss her and eat her out.

The next thing I know we are all making love and it is really wonderful. So loving and connected. At one point we form this beautiful shape, where we are all connected one to the other in a sort of circle that resembles the yin yang symbol. There is going to be some sort of performance situation, but not a traditional concert at all. They persuade me to make love with them on stage but I am afraid to. We wind up having great sex on this stage and then Kurt comes too soon so we have to take a break. When we come back the entire audience is screwing. It gets kind of scary and fuzzy from here.

end.

The drag for me about writing so openly in live journal is the fear that people will read something intensely personal and judge me for it. If I could get rid of that damned fear, the one that gets in my way all the time, you know the fear of what people think about me, then I'd be home free. I've had this all my life. I know I got it from my mother. but it's up to me now to weed the darned thing out because it is seriously choking the life out of me.

It's just so hard to know where to draw the line in revealing personal information about myself here. I learned to be brave from my pal Ana, and I know I'm not being anywhere near as vulnerable but it just feels risky sometimes. I'm wondering if I should remove the kink, (lol, I just spell checked this and it changed this from link to kink, how funny),in my SIG, because all of my email has it. Why do I worry about what some person on eBay will think of me when they read an entry like this? Oh well Brendan says to do one scary thing a day so here it is.

love you guys,
Jacqui