August 10th, 2000

Chalkboard

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So you guys, here's what I'm wondering about tonight. If I love the sea so much. If scuba diving is like one endless joygasm for me, then why don't I lose this damn weight and get back out there? Here it is summer, and it's speeding by and I haven't been out in the water once. Not once this entire summer : ( I miss the sea so much.

I miss the surprises. I miss finding a perfect shell on a white sandy bottom in Tahiti, scooping it up to share with Beau, and setting it back down gently. I miss snorkeling in the shallow water in Kauai and suddenly noticing that there is this wild pink nudibranch swimming beside me. Not where I looked and looked for it earlier on a dive and was disappointed not to have seen one, because I love them so much. But right here next to me, at the surface, where I can gently scoop it up in my mask and look at it from all sides but then let it go again when it starts swimming circles and I think it's upset.

I miss sitting with the Hawaiian monk seals at sunset and watching them edge closer to the rope, that is supposed to separate us, until I can smell their fishy breath when they burp at me. I miss nudibranchs and jellyfish and little sea stars under rocks and coral and the turtles and spotted eagle rays and even the worried waving eels that everyone thinks are so dangerous, but are only frightened and really can't see too well.

I miss using my body better. I miss the sea. Boo.



Maybe I'll go to Santa Barbara soon or Long Beach and visit the aquarium. I wonder why I deny myself the things I love so much. Horses, I love horses, but I hardly ever get to see them. I did make myself go recently and hug some horses so that helped : )

I bet my cats are mad at me right now because I let them in my room and then I left and came here so now they're shut in there and I'm not giving them any attention. Oh, I went to the pet store today with Beau and his friend Joseph and I got to hold a baby corn snake. Too bad I can't have a snakey. I love them too, but I have enough of a hard time with the crickets and worms we give to the leopard geckos, it just feels so wrong.



Hey the baby rats are getting so plump and fuzzy now. They are starting to trust me and their mother will come right up to me now. Maybe it's because I've been bribing them with snacks, hee hee.

And how come Big Brother was on tonight? I thought they were off on Wednesdays. Very confusing. I don't want people to leave. I feel sorry for them. I won't vote. It just feels so manipulative, weird and wrong somehow. Ack.



Umm what else. I saw my Dad today. He's in a hospital bed at my parents house. Bad Alzheimer's. But he spoke a little bit to me. I understand him when he speaks, but my mother doesn't, it's so sad. You can kind of follow what he means and you just have to be a bit right brained about it and make the leap across the missing words and then you understand. Like today, we took two of our kittens over, and when we showed them to him he became agitated and was saying, "Little guy...now you do what I say...listen to me for once...that's not right...on a little....too tight cat." So I figured out that because we had collars and leashes on the kittens he thought we were hurting them. So as soon as I figured out what he meant I took the leashes off, then he kept at it until I took their collars off and then he was happy. He just thought it was wrong somehow and was feeling empathy for them. Well, the weird thing is that no one in my family treats him as if what he thinks or says makes any sense. It's so sad. People try to treat him well and with respect. I think for someone in his position he is very lucky and getting very good care but he's alone so much in his room and it seems so sad. He wants to communicate so badly and you can just see his thoughts trail off into the distance and then he sighs and gives up. Then on top of all of that he hallucinates and drifts in and out of consciousness. So one minute he'll be really pissed off at you for something you don't understand and then he'll look away and then suddenly recognize you and smile and say, "Well hello there," as if he's happy to see you.

I've been slowly working my way toward getting ready for Burning Man. I get so anxious and worried about whether I'll be able to go or not, or whether I have enough supplies and am prepared enough or not, and it always works out. So it's just a complete waste of energy and joy, worrying. I get it from my mother and she got it from her mother. "Honey did you take a sweater?"

Nudibranchs and Mermaids. Feast your eyes on the loveliness.



Gail Blue by Triton

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