October 10th, 2000

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My Favorite Movie Of All Time

PSYCHIATRIST

But tell me, what do you do for fun? What activity

gives you a different sense of enjoyment than the

others? What do you find fulfilling?

What gives you that certain satisfaction?

HAROLD

I go to funerals.



MRS. CHASEN

Really, Harold, you are no longer a child. It's time

for you to settle down and stop flitting away your

talents on these amateur theatrics [...]

MAUDE

They grow and bloom, and fade, and die, and

change into something else. Ah, life!

MAUDE

It's all change. All revolving. Burials and births.

The end to the beginning and the beginning

to the end - the great circle of life

MAUDE

But, Harold, we begin to die as soon as we are born.

What is so strange about death? It's no surprise.

It's part of life. It's change.
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I was reading EvilHomers journal tonight, and she had these facts from her childhood listed, and it was such a great idea that I thought I would copy her copying someone else. *blink *blink *smile

When I was about thirteen years old, I used to sneak out at night with my best friend, and we would strip and stand naked on these pillars or posts that were on either side of my parents driveway, and strike poses and wait for cars to drive by. They would screech to a stop and when they'd back up we would be gone. It was hysterical. silly repressed Catholic schoolgirls.

One time I was so stoned I ate an entire pear without chewing and then I threw it up, heh.

We used to hitchhike to Westwood so we could see movies. Then we'd try to find some kind adult who would get us in to the R rated ones.

I like cotton candy, a lot.

I shouldn't listen to so much late night radio, it's too spooky.

I've always known I wanted to be an actor, when I was in high school I used to go to Lee Strasberg's. One day when my Mom was going to be late to pick me up, (she was always late to pick me up, still is), I walked down the street, (Hollywood Boulevard), to this big building that had a sign outside advertising something about a free personality test. I went in and took it. Scientology. Yikes. I was only fifteen I think and they started calling me but I ignored them until they went away. I just had this feeling that it was dangerous somehow. I know a lot of people find the whole e-meter auditing thing helpful but not at the higher levels when you're stuck and can't get out. yeeeee.

I sang Torch Songs in the basement restaurant bar of the George V hotel in Paris when I was eight years old. There was a pianist and he accompanied me. My parents couldn't stop me. I had a crush on this thirty-five year old tour guide named Dante. I seriously thought he would be impressed by my singing and fall in love with me too. I so stalked him. Poor guy.

I have always been curious about other people. We used to steal people's mail, read it and then put it back. I feel so guilty about this it's hard to write. One time we (when I say we I mean my old best friend and me) stole a suitcase out of someone's unlocked parked car, just to see what was in it. So we took ti to my house, opened it up, thought ti was pretty boring and then took it back, but the car was locked now, so we put it on the roof. I can only wonder what they thought.

We were relentless in our prank phone calling. Whenever I get prank phone calls now I think, aaah karmic payback.

I used to be really afraid of bees and prayed to God to keep them away from me when I wanted to go swimming in our pool. I would try to make deals like, if I don't swear, will you keep the bees away?

My first lover's name was Chuck. We had sex in his parents bedroom after watching A Clockwork Orange. He didn't know I was a virgin. It didn't feel strange or new at all, it felt familiar as if I'd been doing this for centuries. I take this as proof of reincarnation or cellular memory, I hope it's the former.

I love the smell of jasmine and gardenias. I think gardens need fountains for the birds and the dragonflies and the sound. My fountain turns off at two am in the patio and the ones in the front stay on all night : )

I'm tired...

And umm could you tell the Arabs and the Jews to please stop fighting, it scares me. Tell them I said stop it!

Love you,
Jacqui
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I had this weird dream last night. I've been trying not to write them out in livejournal, because I know that I get bored when other people write out their long detailed dreams. I mean not bored exactly, it's just hard enough to follow the details of so many people's lives, but when they start describing very complicated dream imagery I get weary. I never felt this way before. I used to dive into people's dreaming and come up with pieces of psychic gold and hand them over joyfully, but one day in #analove someone was just so farging selfish with me I reached a dream limit of some kind, an other people who could give a shit about me and my life, dream limit. I believe in reciprocity. That's why I think it's selfish of me to post my dreams.

I actually love dream analysis and dreaming. I try to record all the dreams that feel important. I love picking them apart, studying them, looking for the relevant symbolism. I love Jung. I love this technique I learned from a friend a long time ago, where you tell the dream in current time, then deconstruct it symbol by symbol, interviewing each one as an aspect of yourself. It's fun and unbelievably informative. It gives me tremendous respect for the power of the mind, but it's time consumptive, and time is something I never seem to have enough of these days.

So here with my apologies is last nights, probably interesting only to me, dream;

I am staying with Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche in a little two story condo they own that is in some city near the banks of a big rushing river. I have my little boy Beau, and another little girl who I am baby-sitting, with me. Ellen and Anne have invited us for dinner but one of them is jealous over the attention the other is paying to me. I don't know which, they kind of keep morphing into other women. Pause here to say that I love lesbians and have only one gay female friend who I hardly ever see. I'd like to have more, it's just that I have this fear/prejudice that says they wouldn't want to be my friend because I'm not sexy and beautiful enough. Whenever I've gone to chatrooms to try to make friends, they always seem worse than guys. They are only interested in hooking up and they are so picky and specific about the type of women they're into. Like they're shopping, sheesh. I've lived my life as a heterosexual but I am definitely attracted to women and consider myself bisexual.

So in the dream, the gals are planning their dinner, it's all about meat and chicken, and I'm trying to figure out what I can eat, since I'm a vegetarian. I'm worried about what it will feel like to be around raw chicken and cow flesh, yuck. At some point one of them gets too jealous and goes upstairs, in a huff, to sleep. I'm trying to work it out with the other one, I'm worried about being the cause of some rift between them. At some point I look out the window and realize that the river has flooded it's banks. We switch on the radio and there are emergency reports re. the flooding. People are evacuating and getting together at The Armory, I don't really know what that is, I just remember the name, and that it's some kind of big hall, gym, or gathering place.

We are rushing to get out. Everyone is pretty panicked. I am worrying about Beau's things, and whether or not he has his favorite sleeping bag that used to be mine, that he can't sleep without. I don't want to leave anything behind. My heart is pounding and everything is so pressured, we have to hurry, but I have to decide which of my things to abandon to the rising flood waters that may destroy this house, and which things to jam into my suitcase. I remember thinking that it's surprising how easy it is to abandon certain things when you have to. I can dismiss replaceable things pretty easily, it's the emotionally weighty ones that I can't bare to leave behind.

The gals are rushing around and I've sent the kids to the part of the house that's furthest from the water. I feel guilty that I am concerning myself with saving my things while Ellen and Anne are facing the total destruction of their home. I turn to help them. They are putting towels on the floor which seems kind of dumb to me. I tell them they should put everything they care about and can't carry as high off the ground as possible because maybe the waters will only get so high before they recede and anything on the second story or on tops of tables might stay dry and survive.

The phone rings. It's the little girl's over protective and annoying father. He wants to know how things are. I don't want to worry him so I think I just won't tell him about this flooding until we are safe and away from it. But he wants to chatter and visit. I need to get him off the phone so I finally blurt it out which of course freaks him out and he starts demanding and accusing. Finally I just hang up on him.

As we are about to run for the car I turn and look out the windows. The water has almost reached the house, but the most horrible part is that there are tens of cats all running towards us from the water. I am so upset for them. Their families abandoned them, and they don't have collars, and will be lost. There are so many beautiful cats. I don't want to leave them behind but there is no way we can save them all. The girls don't even want to take their own cat. I am soo mad at this, and at them and at all of these stupid people for not caring about the poor cats.

So das my fabulous dream. It was so upsetting though. The weird part is that when I woke up the wind was howling away outside my windows and blowing all of my trees and plants. Yesterday it was just another day in smoggy Southern California, and today this weird wind. I guess this is the season's changing, and the time of year when people will get allergies and the leaves will fall. last year the leaves didn't fall in time for Halloween so we didn't get to rake them into piles for our haunted cemetery. I just went out and bought a lot of hay instead. We need to start decorating. Every year I promise myself that I will start putting out the pumpkins right away, and every year I wind up procrastinating, ack.

Okay well das it for now. Check back in on you later. Oh and I owe all of you one dream reading.

Hugs,
Jacqui

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