October 21st, 2000


(no subject)

I'm in my office typing to you. One of the ferrets is running around on the floor. He's the least naughty so I let him out to play. The other two steal everything and drag it to the corners to hide in piles under furniture, so I take them to my room for exercise and freedom. This new little guy is starting to turn bitey though. He's more aggressive than he used to be.

I want to go to the Exotic Erotic Halloween ball in San Francisco. I've been wanting to go for years, but money is tight and Scott doesn't want to go and has plans. Plus it's our old housekeeper's (the nice sweet one before Coco) party for her little sister and she really wants us to come. It's a quincenera, a fifteenth birthday party, which is a huge big deal in the Latin community. They are having a mass at three and a dinner at five and then dancing at seven. It sounds like fun and I love to see those big huge skirted dresses the girls wear. But again I don't want to go to that without a date. Grrr, Scott. He always has plans on the weekends now and is too tired to come over for any length of time during the week. I feel like I hardly see him. To be fair though I haven't been wanting to go to his house and want him to come my way instead.

My little sun conure died yesterday or the night before. Esther (my assistant/housekeepr/pal) found him. I can't bear to look at him. I was just posting about him yesterday. I was thinking that I should give him away because I can't have him in the office anymore and I don't see him very much in Esther's room. I was thinking that I should find him a better home before something happens to him and I feel crappy forever about it. Oh well. I don't know what happened. He had plenty of food and water. It wasn't cold. But I hadn't seen him for a while so he might have been sneezing and I wouldn't have noticed so I blame myself. I'm sad, but not that sad, I'm more angry right now, angry at myself for being so selfish and having to have more animals than I can care for.

I am going to go see/hear Scott play at a concert in a park. I haven't heard his mandolin player yet so that'll be nice. I wanted to take Beau and Esther, and afterwards go to see the cow at the pumpkin patch, but Beau is being bratty and won't go unless he can bring his friend Joseph. I don't want to take another person. It's just so much harder when Joe comes, well, oh, I don't know. It's just that he's older than Beau and gets bored and I just wanted it to be us, so we could do whatever we wanted and not have to worry about what time we come home. I also wanted to go take a walk around the lake.

I think I may just go by myself and hope Scott will want to go see the cow with me. That's hard for me though because I want him to have empathy for his plight, and how can he, when he's part of the chain that calls for his death. If only I had some land, I would buy him so they wouldn't kill him when they're through with lugging him around to petting zoos. I want to go see him though, and feed him a little pumpkin, make one of his days a little happier. I just don't get how people can be so fucking detached and insensitive as to eat cows and not get that they are killing these beautiful peaceful sweet grass eating creatures. I think I'd understand it more if people ate lions.

I've been avoiding drinking Coke. Now everything tastes too salty to me. How weird. The burrito I was going to eat for lunch tasted weird so I couldn't eat it. Then I wanted to eat some of this gelato but it tastes too salty. I'm sure this must have something to do with the Coke. I know it has salt in it but I don't understand how, salt makes the bubbles? My bladder hurts so much lately and I had to do something. Also they are super high in calories so maybe I can lose a quarter pound or something, heh. I'm addicted to caffeine so I knew I'd be getting headaches. I think there's some kind of twenty-one day rule about addiction though. Or is that twenty-one days to break a habit? I know I felt a little better when, after Robby split, I made it to twenty-one days without calling him or having any kind of contact. God that was hard. My heart so goes out to people whose partners just up and leave them. It's so painful to be with someone every day and night and then have them just disappear. screw them, selfish jerks, I think I'll go be mean to my puppet.


I've decided that I'm going to post my dreams separately and let you know they're dreams so you can skip those posts if you want.

Love you guys, sorry I'm so blue sometimes, it isn't always like this,
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(no subject)

My Weird Catholic Dream

I am back in high school, but it's at a different location and mixed with my grammar school. Some of my favorite sisters are here. I love them, but I am also afraid of them. I want them to like me but I feel as if they can see into me and recognize me as being unfit or bad, a poseur to goodness.

It is the first day of school. I have brought my son and a little daughter that I have. I have also brought a white dog, a pony, and several of our favorite cats. We are trying to round them up to leave, but they have scattered. At the end of this hallway about to go up some stairs I am calling them. I want to shout their names or feel free to call loudly, but I don't want to disrupt classes. I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I brought our animals and that none of us are where we should be which is in class.

Part of the symbolism in this dream seems to be about trying to hold on to too many things. We are trying to leave but I am having a hard time holding and getting the kids to hold all of the pets and are stuff. If we put one of the cats down he or she might run away. We put Coco down and he seems to be following us to the car. We are crossing a parking lot when I see my Mother driving up in her car. I think uh oh now I'm going to be in trouble. My little girl is carrying a bouquet of flowers and a fruit tart. Mother is going to criticize me for having spent money.

we pass her and continue to the main high school building where the Sisters are. I am worried about what Sister Colette and Margaret will think of us. They confront me about bringing animals to school. I apologize and feel badly. I am wearing clothes that are really weird and revealing, like a sweater or sweatshirt that is too short and see thru stalkings so my breasts are covered but not my vagina. I tell my daughter to give the fruit tart to the sisters but it has been partially eaten. They take it anyway.

Now I am with the Nuns and we are reading something to each other and seated on a couch. Now I'm afraid that when I get up they'll see how weirdly dressed I am. No one ever seems to notice this but me. They are talking to me about getting rid of the swings because they heard that it is possible to dissociate while swinging and that if this happened then they could be sued. Their insurance will be much less if they get rid of the swings. I love the swings and don't want to see them go, but I am afraid of the Sisters and don't want to disagree with them. They also want to get rid of some antique couches and chairs that I had encouraged them to buy. I don't mind that as much so I support that.

As I am about to leave Sr. Margaret tells me that she needs my help in going up to her room. I take half of her books for her. I am telling her that it's a privilege to be able to go to the convent with her. I always wanted to see what it was like. In grammar school I had always wanted to see the inside of the castle where the Sisters lived.

We are in this tiny elevator. There is another little girl with us. They are telling me I will have to sign some kind of nondisclosure or confidentiality agreement. How weird. The elevator is really confining. I am in the front and we are so squished together. In order to go up though, Sister Margaret needs to use this key, and the slot is near the front where I am. I have to duck down in order for her to use it.

When we get out of the elevator everything falls on the floor. Sister Margaret has lots of notes and things. She is upset because hundreds of her post its have scattered everywhere, she needs these to be kept in order and it is impossible to know how they were. She is also worried about what people will think of her for bringing us up here and making a scene by spilling everything on the floor. We try to pick everything up as quickly as possible. She keeps saying, "My book, my book."

Around the corner there is this kind of reception desk. Everything is strange here, There's all of this hustle and bustle going on. Plus it's much larger than I thought and a little bit spooky and secretive and just weird. The little girl and I go into this room where there is a video playing or something and a shrine. I begin to worry if this is really just some kind of devil worshipping place and that we've all been fooled. Then I realize what they're trying to protect, a child, a little boy. At first I'm thinking Rosemary's Baby, he's a devil child. But then I realize he's the second coming, the messiah, and that's the reason for all the secrecy.

Beau and another little boy are here with me and they run away into an area that is off limits. They run down this hallway and people are really upset and are paging us over an intercom. They are running towards to child and that is not allowed. On the intercom they are saying that if we don't come back sister Margaret will have to pay for the trouble we are causing, which of course hooks me.

I had another dream about a trip. I keep worrying I'm going to miss my plane. I need to pack but I have too many things and it's so hard to decide which ones to leave behind. I don't want to leave anything behind. But time is passing and I have to hurry or I will miss this plane and I have to let go of something.

Mom is here, she doesn't seem to mind that we are missing planes and late. She has brought her jewelry and I am looking through it. I want these pearl earrings. They are inexpensive and not important enough for her to wear so maybe she will let me have them. One of the pair of earrings has pink pearls but there is a kind of pink stain on one of the earrings.