November 20th, 2000

Chalkboard

(no subject)

I haven't been on in a couple of days because I felt pretty burned the other day when my favorite on-line abuser came by and slammed me. I try to pretend I don't care because I guess I think that's the way I should feel, but the truth is I am very sensitive and I do care, it does affect me. It's painful being called a bitch and a liar. It's scary having someone tell you they wish you'd die, and then reference Anthony Perkins and Psycho. It was extra upsetting because I was just starting to come down from the anxiety of his having attacked me for having sleuthed him out. I still don't trust anyone here anymore, I don't feel completely safe in this place that used to be a haven. His behavior has been really toxic and hurtful, and I got sucked in from the far periphery. I know how much more upset and hurt people were/are who were closer to the center of this wee little maelstrom. The big loss for me is the feeling that I could be myself here, that I could feel free to say whatever I wanted and be accepted. Oh God, whatever, you know? Whatever, in a very, Jerry Springer white trash kind of way. What can I do about it? Nothing. So I guess I'll just plod onwards with someone who will occasionally come by and attack me whenever I accidentally trip across one of his personas. I can't even begin to imagine how risky and upsetting it would feel be a camgal, I don't know how you handle how mean people can be sometimes.


I just started watching Sex and The City. I really like it. It's so out there in terms of female honesty. I mean I was kind of shocked to see Samantha giving this guy head, it was so graphic, and then they're all sitting around talking about the taste of his cum, asparagus with a hint of Clorox, yikes. I mean I kind of love it for that, it's reflection of reality, but I also hate seeing her on her knees blowing this guy. It brings up protective instincts I have towards fellow actors. I bought the first twelve episodes so I could catch up on what I've been missing. I watched episodes one through four in my dentist's office in those little glasses. I think I already told you that though. I want her to get back together with Big, even though I hate him for being so cold and arrogant. It's precisely that that turns me on about him. Isn't that gross? I guess he reminds me of Robby, handsome, cold, remote, superior and ambivalent as all hell. It's so weird, now I care about these gals as if they're real, television, sheesh.

We're going to Palm Springs for Thanksgiving. My mother sold the house I spent so many weekends and holidays in, and bought another one that cost twice as much. I haven't even seen it, it's on a golf course. Well, what isn't in Palm Springs? She took her horrible, two faced, monster housekeeper with her. She made a big show of working, telling Mom she didn't mind in the least, while calling all of us at home and telling us how much she hated it, and how unfair it was to make her work so hard. Then I had to listen to my Mother rave about this woman who I can't stand.

It's a long story and I won't bore you with it now, but I don't want to be anywhere where Rosa is for any length of time. She is manipulative and creepy and has caused me so many problems with Mom. So we're going to Palm Springs in shifts. She's there now, and when we go down, she'll leave and come back here. I have to take my assistant/pal down though because I can't handle Mom and Beau all on my own, you'd have to know my mother to understand. I had to remind her that since I'm bringing Noemi with us she would have to behave herself and treat her respectfully. I don't want her to treat her like she treats the people who work for her. I treat Noemi as a friend and an equal, not as a servant, and Mom has this thing about not having "the help" eat their meals with us, so I told her that Noemi eats with us, not in a separate room, and that's how it's going to be in Palm Springs. She waited a long beat before innocently replying, "Oh you mean we have to have her sit with us?"


I saw this beautiful documentary on KCET tonight called The Urban Elephant. At the very end they reunited these two elephants who had been in a circus together twenty-five years earlier. They were taken to a sanctuary where they would have lots and lots of room and never be chained up. They were so happy to see each other they were stroking each other and winding their trunks together when they walked. It was so moving I was weeping. The web site for the elephant sanctuary is http://www.elephants.com.

Now I'm watching The Larry David show, Curb Your Enthusiasm. I like it but it's kind of stressful. The ratties are fighting. I tried to take Beau and Noemi to a movie tonight, but after I bought tickets and we went to dinner, I was too weak to go, so I asked them if they wouldn't mind if we came home. They were so sweet about it. I'm going to see a, shoot, not a neurologist but a..., muscle and joint doctor. I'm pretty certain I have fibromyalgia, no energy, so much pain. Okay I'm off to check on Beau and see if he's sleeping. Hopefully no one will wish me dead while I'm gone, heh.

Love you guys,
Jacqui