December 18th, 2000

Chalkboard

(no subject)

Oh God I just did the worst thing. I had just received two e-mails from my, I don't know what to call him, he's not even my ex officially, I guess I'll just call him, the guy I was in love with for so long who broke my heart over and over again, and I was so upset after reading them that I accidentally forwarded one of them back to him. The problem is that my sig. has links to my journals. I had to delete my beloved Imajerkjournal because I just couldn't take the risk, he might not have understood it and I wouldn't want to hurt him. It was just a wonderful exercise in pain management through creativity and now it's gone, I'm so sad.

What's worse is that I have completely lost my sense of privacy here and don't know what to do. I feel like I just took off my skull, scooped out my brain and mailed it to someone who doesn't know the first thing about how to take care of me. This is the same man who gave the code to his cell phone voice mail to the woman he left me for. It left me with no way to communicate safely with him. Then of course she changed his outgoing message and my son got to hear her swearing and saying horrible things about him, as well as announcing to the world that they'd married, which makes him a bigamist. Suffice it to say that he hurt me badly, continues to hurt me, and is about the last person on the planet I would want to have access to my daily thoughts and musings. It was so incredibly stupid of me to do. The weird thing is that for weeks I had these fleeting thoughts about deactivating my signature line, and never did it. My ego just had to think I was superior enough to know to erase it from any correspondence I might send to him.

I love my little journal here. I like that it's in my name and that I have early account holder status. I don't want to make my journal a friends only read. I don't want to censor everything I write like I already do now because I made the mistake of giving my journal address to someone else who also hurt me. I think the only thing to do is to create a new journal, which just feels like such a big loss. Even if he doesn't have the time or inclination or attention span to read my entire journal, he shares a computer with his mother, who hates me and wouldn't hesitate to look for any information he could use against me in our divorce.

Where I'm vulnerable is with Beau. My soon to be ex, asked for joint custody, child support, and alimony and then told me it was just a standard response to a divorce petition. Maybe but I think it's all part of his trying to get out of paying any kind of child support. Something he's managed to do for two and one half years now. I never tried to get any, I never asked because I wanted to give him time to get set up and settled. He's still living at his Mom's and asking me for a bed and a TV so I don't know if he ever will. If he was a good guy he would have made himself available to help with Beau. He would have offered to take him to the doctor or the dentist. Asked if I needed help getting him to or from school once in a while. Taken him to an occasional birthday party, or helped him with his homework. As it is he never offers to help in any way. he just shows up around father's day and Christmas expecting beau to play son at his family gathering when Beau, who hardly ever sees these people and doesn't trust R., is too afraid to go. As he said to me last night, "Mom I'd be too scared, I don't like to be with my dad and other people. He doesn't take care of me and who would I run to if I needed help." Isn't that sad?

All I really want is full custody of my son so that his father who has got to be the most irresponsible, inconsistent father on the planet, can't go any distance with Beau in his car. He's someone who never felt he couldn't drive when he'd had a few drinks. The kind of guy who'd fight you for the keys. The kind of guy who'd leave you in the middle of an intersection while he got out of the car and walked over to another car to shove someone around. The kind of guy who'd get into a fight with a bunch of teenage gang members because they pissed him off in line at a fast food drive through. He slammed one of their hands in the trunk of their car when they went to go get a weapon, and Beau was with him when this happened. He's the kind of guy who'd race with other drivers, stop short just to teach someone a lesson, got tickets for speeding and tailgating, rolled his Volkswagen bug a few times when he was younger, crashed into a bus, hit a parked car, hit a car that was backing out of a driveway, got busted for having an illegally modified machine gun and a handgun in his car. That kind of guy.

Anyway I guess until I figure out what to do I'll make my journal a friends only read, but does that mean only people I've selected as friends or anyone who lists me as a friend? I want anyone who wants to, who is on livejournal, to be able to read it, just not him, or his mother, or his girlfriend, or some divorce attorney. This is so screwed. If I make another journal I'll let you guys know. I have so much to do for Christmas and there's no way I could go through my entire journal and re-edit every single entry to make it a friends only read.

Okay, shoot, talk to you guys later.

love you,
Jacqui