February 1st, 2001


(no subject)

I hate my life so much today. I don't know if my whatever he is, ex or not ex asshole selfish husband reads this or not. All I know is that I don't trust him anymore and never will so even if he says he deleted the file with the link he could easily be lying. My ex best friend wrote ot me and sort of intimated that she wanted to be friends again after letting six months go by from the time I sent her the most feelingful comassionate letter I'd ever written to her. She had a baby and shut me out. She has the link here to and I censor my thoughts about her all the time for fear that she will read this. My boyfriend is allergic to cats but is in denial about it, at the very least he will admit to not being able to live the way I do with as he says "wall to wall cats," But he is stoned so often that it doesn;t even matter anyway because I can't live with him the way his is either. My cats are my solace. I love them, they give me comfort. They are present, they come when I call them, they pay attention to me, they don't lie, they don't cheat, they don't steal, they aren't asshole human beings. Why should I give them up for anything or anyone. I am so miserable I woke up this morning crying and with the image of putting a gun to my head. I feel like Zuul or my old friends Sheryl or Alyce who were always full of suicidal threats. I can't and wont kill myself so if anyone reads this you don't need to worry about that, I mean if I did, what would happen to my son, I couldn never do that to him, and what about my animals, where would they go, to some shelter?

Today I just reached my limit. I was upset all day yesterday because I felt like I should be able to helkp this sweet little rat whoi I love so much. I was afraid I would pop her whole bottom end by squeezing too hard. i feel like this is perfect karmic justice for judging the fucking asshole rat vivisectors at Harlan biomedical. I called the vet I asked him for help, I was so scared. How much is too much pressure. She squeaks, she hurts, if I dont get the poop out she will die if I squeaze too hard, she will tear open and die. Life is fucked.

Today I e-mailed my boyfriend and told him that I was fed up with his not respecting my very fucking simple boundaries. Now I know that he is angry and feeling sorry for himself. he will never find the compassion necessary to understand how his behavior impacts on me and our relationship and my son. If it ever gets too hard he can always get high and float away from it all. My life is a web of fantasy and deceit. My mother loves me as long as I am good by her definition and comform at least somewhat.

Just a little while ago while trying to help my little rat I perforated her colon, poop was coming out of two holes. I think I did this to here, maybe I didn't, maybe it was already there or the skin was weak from the pressure. Why didn't I notice this was happening to her bfore? Why didn't I catch this sooner. Now she is going to the hospital and I have to go to the therapist. I am sure that they will ahve to kill her because now her shit will be in her bloodstream and how ill she live with an infection like that. I see her sweet little face, I love her so much and life just fucking sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I hate my birthmother and my sister and whoever the hell fathered me. I hate my I dont know what he is husband person who I loved for so much of my life. i hate my partner for being so fucking szelfish and self absorbed and for leading me on and making me believe he would be able to live with me when all along we both knew he couldn't. I hate men, I hate mothers, I hate valentines. I hate romanticism and fantasies and story books and life. I just fucking hate life. Fuck spell checking this.