February 7th, 2001


(no subject)

God, I'm such an idiot sometimes. I love my animal friends sooo much but I just have too many and am too limited in terms of energy and focus to care for all of them properly. Dr. Matt was right. If I really love them, not just selfishly love them for the pleasure of their company, then I need to find homes for some of them so they'll get the care they need. It's hard with Beau though because he's attached to the one's I would find homes for and I'm attached to the one's he isn't. Gad, yeah Gad, not God.

My bunny had babies but she ate them. Two of them were mutilated and the third was perfect but cold and dead. I'm so sad about it that I'm numb. We thought she might be pregnant so we made a little house for her inside and kept her here for weeks, then we were happy to think she might not be pregnant so we put her back in her hutch, and put her buddy bunny in a separate hutch. Everything these days is a should have for me. I should have had him fixed .I should have kept them separated. I should have made her cage cozier. I should have made sure she was warmer last night. I should have kept her inside.

It seems like every day I'm asking God to forgive me. I keep thinking that when I die there will be all of these sad animal occurrences there for me to feel first hand, when I experience my panoramic life review. I totally believe in that by the way. I think we have this kind of instantaneous review of our entire lives good and bad, and get to feel everything we did to affect anyone else from their perspective, so if I cause you pain I will feel your pain, the same for goodness and joy. I know I've done my share of goodness but it's the badness that bothers me. I also know this is a kind of schoolhouse/play yard and we are here to learn, but I can't bear that my learning is so much at the expense of others.

This is so awful, it seems like every entry I write is some kind of animal tragedy. I need to give my chinchilla away. He's so pretty, all fluffy and grey with those cute little tiny paws, and probably the bunnies as well, unless I can figure out a better hutch for them, and get the boy bunny fixed, and Spirit, my black standard poodle, I love him so much but I can't take any more risks with the cats, and Puck and Pooka don't get enough attention and spend too much time outside, but Pooka reminds me of Ana and he's so cute and wonderful, how can I give him up?

Blah, and I was just starting to feel a little more alive after everything that happened with Berwick and my rattie.