February 10th, 2001

Chalkboard

(no subject)



Hi Everybody.

Ana I know I owe you a phone call and as soon as I find MAW's letter and read it, I'll try you again : ) Thanks so much for calling and trying to get through. I was at either sleeping or at the emergency vet hospital when you called. I think it would help if I knew what your phone boundaries are, time wise. If you tell me that I can call as late as I like and that it won't wake you or Jason, then I'd know it was okay to call late. Hmm, this seems like a lame way to contact you, on my own journal entry. I'll just call you.

I had another animal emergency last night and had to go to the emergency hospital at midnight. My oldest rat, a real sweetheart of a gal, was suddenly in real respiratory distress. They wanted to euthanize her right away because she wasn't responding to the oxygen, but I sweated it out with them, and made them give her a chance, and she perked up a bit. She just needs support until the antibiotics can kick this nasty lung bugs butt. maybe she won't make it but I'd like to try, at least give her a chance. She's three, which in rat years is pretty much the end of the road, it's like being a hundred or so. She was transferred to another hospital this morning and they're trying to help her. It's that horrible fine line between suffering and healing, do I put her to sleep, or is it too soon? I hate this.

This has been going on for days, this string of animal sadness. First my other rattie, then my cat, then Beau's mice, then the baby bunnies, now this. I'm afraid to say, what next, because then something actually might happen next.

I had really extensive oral surgery on Thursday. I has a root canal, which is pretty routine for me, considering how much dental work I have had, and will continue to have, but it was the tooth extraction that was the hard part. It was really stuck in there and my dentist, who I adore, had to work really, really, hard and long, to get it out. He was sweating and looked totally wrung out. I felt like I had some kind of major construction project going on in my head, with the pushing and pulling, and sawing and cracking. I just kept watching A Bugs Life in the little video glasses he has, and tried not to feel anything, even though I did. I as a model in fear management through video escapism.

It hurts a bit, so I've been taking Vicodin, and am still pretty out of it. Today I'm trying to do without, because my greedy, little, inner-addict gets too happy about being given permission to take opiates, (Is Vicodin an opiate? The vet at the emergency hospital last night said that she thinks it's becoming the latest Hollywood party drug of choice. She said she went to a couple of parties where people had it out in crystal bowls. What?) and of course I find myself staring off into space, or holding my purse open for long stretches of time, wondering what I was ever looking for in the first place. I do love prescription drugs so I have to be careful or I'll be Melanie Griffith's new roommate at the rehab in the Marina.

I just caught myself leaning over to get something out of it (my purse) again, and couldn't figure out what I had wanted, and I haven't taken any Vicodin today. I wonder if it stays in your system for a while. I woke up last night thinking, okay this hurts, I'm going to take one, but stopped myself. I just grabbed some of my wonderful kitties instead and snuggled into the blankets and fell back asleep. That reminds me of a cartoon I love, I wish I had it to show you; there's this old frumpy looking couple in bed and there are a billion cats all over them and around them, and the wife says to her husband, "I'm cold honey, put another cat on will you?" I love my cats, big happy cat loving sigh. Blistex, that's what I wanted! Yahoo! God it feels good to remember, and complete that mind circuit, phew.

I bought a new guitar tuner at McCabes the other night when Beau and I went to go get some new reeds for his clarinet. Since I've learned to tune my guitar by myself now, I'm keeping it right here beside me, and making myself play it every day. It makes me so happy. When I play a chord, these melodies just take off inside my head, and I wish I could play them. It's frustrating because I can hear where I want to go but don't know the notes to take me there. Patience.

Ya know, the problem with taking a medication because you are forgetful, is that you have to remember whether you've taken your medication or not, argh, and ack.


I'm going through my e-mail and listening to my phone messages. My pal ana has called three times now, and I haven't managed to get back to her. I am terrrible with the phone. Everyone knows this about me. I love to chat with my friends, but I keep the weirdest hours, I screen my calls, and rarely pick up the phone myself, so when I'm here I don't even know that someone is calling, unless my assistant gets it and tells me, and then when it comes to returning calls, I let too much time pass and then feel so guilty about it, I become phobic and can't make myself call the person I feel so badly about not having called. It sucks. It's a major problem for me.

I'm so happy that ana called, so I'm going to make myself call her back as often as it takes, to get though to her. That's one of my goals for today. The reason I'm not doing it now is because I have to find a letter that another cyber-pal sent me, that she told me to read. I do the same thing with my e-mail, I let it pile up too.

Okay that's enough blathering. I'm off to conquer the universe that is my little world here. Does that make sense?

...and I didn't say anything about Tom and Nicole and all of this rumor mongering about Scientology, hmmmm, I wonder if it's true. Any of you guys ever heard about body thetans and auditing?

jac

PS: Yikes it's hours since I wrote this and I never posted it, oops. I spoke to Mike on the phone, he's soooo nice, God what an angel. There are some pretty beautiful people on the other side of this cyber wall.

PPS: Oh I'm so happy for this sweet couple on Antiques Roadshow. they look like they don't ahve a lot of money and they really stretched their fincances to buy a dining set for $1,500.00 and it turns out it's not only Roycroft but rare Roycroft and it's worth a minimum of $30,000.00. I just love this show, ti's so hopeful and sweet. In The Wedding Planner they had this one smart scene where Jennifer Lopez comes home after her day filled with romantic helping to a TV dinner and Antiques Roadshow on the telly. It was supposed to show how lonely she was and what a mundane home life she had. I actually didn't think it looked that bad, well, not totally.

Chalkboard

(no subject)

Hey you guys does anyone know if the style browser is back online? If not do you know of any style numbers I could play with? I'm still trying to customize my journal, yeeee, it's taking me sooo long, bah.