March 16th, 2001

Chalkboard

(no subject)


Things have been really stressful lately. I'm just doing the best I can to weather this storm. It'll be okay, it always is. I just have to get through this.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a mammogram and an abdominal ultrasound. My doctor needs to find out why my liver enzymes are so high. As long as my liver is stressed and working too hard to filter out some kind of poison, I can't take the medication I need to dissolve the cysts on my ovaries. I hurt. I get these sharp pains. It's more than a drag.

The part of me that's hopeful about this is the part that's thinking, "Oh phew, maybe I've finally found a reason for all of this weight gain." What heaven it would be to figure it all out biochemically and get my health straightened out. I fantasize about losing enough weight to get back to work, to move myself up another notch career wise. There's so much work right now. Everyone is panicking because of the possible upcoming strike. So many more projects have been rushed into production.

Water, exercise, meditation, better food choices.

I need to go see this nutritionist I connected with. She's supposed to be amazing. There's also a hypnotist whose office is right next to my psychiatrist's. I've been striving to improve my life so much lately I feel like I should put a chain link sign around myself and hang people's business cards on me. I could get a porta-potty and drag it around on a string.

What a three week hellish rollercoaster this has been. I can't wait till my financial and health problems subside so I can get back to living my life.

I had a wonderful talk with sweet ana. I relate so much to the things she is going through.

I miss my friend Susan. I want to find the time and have the energy to go see her or get together with her but I'm so ridiculously busy, and when I'm free I need to de-stress by being alone or going to a movie, reading a book, taking a bath, playing with the cats.

I've been saving Snapple plastic tear off rings for Sparkle, he loves them so much. He fetches them for me. I thought if I put a whole pile of them down for him, he'd just dive in with joy, but instead of it pleasing him, it freaked him out and scared him away. The next thing I knew he was bringing me a blue plastic ring that came off of a water jug.

I am determined to be better prepared for Burning Man this year. No more low powered electric scooter for me. It's going to be gas powered this time, and I have to buy it soon so I can make it buggy and wild.

I have to get away. I'm longing to go back to Tahiti or Hawaii, but I'm also thinking about Belize or Mexico. Somewhere where I can scuba dive and lie around in a hammock, sleep by the sound of the sea. I LOVE the sound of the sea. More than any other sound, it soothes me. It feels like home to me. I have this drum, it's called an Ocean, it's only about four inches thick, but it's a good two feet wide. It's clear plastic on one side and something like vellum on the other and it's filled with little silver rolling beads, like bee bees. When I move it from side to side it makes the sound of the waves on the shore. It's sooo soooo beautiful. I can't believe the cats haven't destroyed it. They wreck everything else. Darned pee monsters : )

My friend made me a necklace and an anklet for my birthday (March 29th) and I'm wearing them. She's such a sweetheart. When I was leaving her office today, the parking attendant gave me this lovely meditation he had written for me. I was so touched. He included his phone number at the bottom. He asked me if I was free this weekend. Ack. I'm not good at men. Really. I don't know how I've managed to be in a romantic relationship, (sometimes several at a time), without ever being single, for over twenty years. I think of myself as not being very good at relationships and inexperienced, but I guess I can't be that bad. I'm just not good at dealing with flirtation I guess.


More and more I find myself being attracted to women. I love my partner, I love men, but sometimes I feel as if I'm missing out on something. You know what? I probably just need more female friends, or maybe I just need to spend time with the friends I have, maybe I'm just missing female company.

Well, that's enough blathering for the night.

I promised another LJ'er that if I didn't change my style tonight I would lick a rat. Hee hee. I'm going to lick one of my rats anyway : )


Love you guys,
(Yes even you anonymous)
Jacqui
XOXOX