March 22nd, 2001


(no subject)

Hi Everyone,

These are dresses that my Grandmother designed and manufactured long ago. I'm so excited! I'll go through long dry periods when I can't find any, and then all of a sudden I get lucky and a few will come up for auction all at once. The prettiest one I have was featured in In Style magazine with Jennifer Aniston wearing it. It's so beautiful, yards and yards of creamy tulle with rhinestones and bits of lace applique scattered all over it. I just want to get enough of these together to build a decent collection. Wish me luck.

Our new dog-friend is so sweet. I've enjoyed going outside and sitting on her dog bed beside her. She is so sweet, she just lays down on me and likes to cuddle. The boys taught her to sit pretty quickly, which worries me a bit because I worry someone might be missing her. I only got her yesterday and haven't had a second to put up signs. I'm torn though because she didn't have a collar, she was running loose on Sunset, darting in and out of traffic, and she has these scabby patches that could be mange. I haven't taken her to the vet yet because I don't have any money. As soon as I have a little, I'll take her in and have her looked at and then spayed.

Oh you know what? I noticed that when I put up pictures that I snag from eBay, that sometimes people here, will go there and bid against me, argh, so frustrating. Oh well that's what I get for borrowing other people's pictures. I love posting things here for people to take and use however they like, but if I'm just tipping more people off to an auction I may be bidding on, it kind of defeats the purpose.

I'm hanging in there with my loan situation. I'm wondering how everyone else is doing financially. With the stock market sliding I'm thinking that maybe it's kind of an all over the place sort of thing.

I wonder whatever happened to that Sell Your Soul site. I haven't been by in a while. I have so many bookmarks that I can never find anything when I want it. I would love to know how people organize theirs. Wouldn't it be fun to see lists of people's folders? God, I must be really tired to be wondering about something like that.

Beau is composing the background music for some kind of a class performance thing at school. He got this DJX music machine for Christmas and he can put together all kinds of music tracks with it. They sound really good, I'm impressed and happy for him, because he's having so much fun with it.

Fucking Survivor. I hate this show! I love the concept, and I'm a reality television addict, but I won't watch people slaughtering animals. I think Kimi is a total wimp as a vegetarian, plus she eats fish I think. I haven't been watching the show because I'd hear things and didn't think I could handle it. I get pretty enraged when anything happens to animals. I thought I'd watch the special tonight because it was supposed to be a kind of best of special so I thought it wouldn't be as full of the animal stuff. When they put the chickens in the box I had to switch the channel. I've had chickens as pets. I love them so much. I just can't handle watching stuff like this.

I'm so upset about this hoof and mouth disease animal slaughter. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to have people come to my farm and murder all of my animals. I read that in parts of europe people are trying to barricade their properties to keep the government from coming in and killing all of their cows and sheep. Then there's the whole mad cow disease thing that Art bell has been talking about forever and only now are people starting to take it seriously. I remember the first year we went to Burning Man, as we passed field after field filled with cows, I wondered what those weird balls of food were made out of. How can people be so oblivious to this?

I had to go away for a bit. There was a man in the street in front of our house shouting that if we didn't take our dogs inside for the night he'd call the cops. I went out to tell him it wasn't our dogs. Our neighbor Sara has these big beautiful German Shepherds. They're really aggressive though and bark loudly all the time. I don't care at all. I love dogs. But I'm worried he'll call the cops and they'll come and say something about my having so many cats.

The neighbors are really freaked out about the noise of dogs barking. I worry all the time that it might be our dogs but they couldn't be the ones making all the noise at night from inside their kennels in the garage. Tonight though we had the new rescue doggy in the driveway (it's totally enclosed and we have a dog bed and an Igloo for her to sleep in) because when we tried to put her in the garage last night, she not only bust out of the kennel, she pushed open the big, heavy garage door, from the inside. This is one very determined dog, to say nothing of her super-doggy strength.

Now I'm watching the moon show on Fox. It had been scheduled to air last Wednesday so I invited Scott over to watch it, and we were disappointed when it didn't come on. Do you think it's possible that we never went to the moon, and it was all a big sham to keep up with the Russians? What do you think?

Okay me go.

  • Current Music
    I'm listening to Art Bell

(no subject)

Well, my loan situation is slowly grinding to it's long delayed conclusion, it's by no means settled but it feels like it's moving in that direction. No respite for me yet. It's going to twist my heart in it's unforgiving fist until the last second. I've kind of adapted to the stress. Now I have another appraiser going over to look at the building. All the men I've ever dealt with over this, are always so thrilled to have to go see a nude bar. "Oh darn honey, I wanted to stay home tonight and talk about the value of honesty in our relationship, but I've got this, uh, work thing I have to go take care of."

Well, we're closing in on my annual, See-All-Of-The-Oscar-Nominated-Films, challenge. All I have left is Before Night Must Fall and Quills and I'll pick those up tonight and tomorrow. Oh actually I missed the film that Ellyn Burstyn is nominated for, and sadly I never get to see the shorts, although I always want to. I think the DGA has a screening of them but I never know when it is.

I got sad when I had to speak with my, I-don't-know-when-the-hell-he'll-ever-be-my ex today. It was a real party and a half listening to him tell me that his nineteen year old girlfriend (he's forty) is the most mature woman he's ever been involved with. I can't believe how creepy and depressing that is. I know I shouldn't judge him for that, it isn't fair, it's just that it hurts. (I was in love with a guy in Oingo Boingo when I was eighteen, he was forty, but he was the one who didn't want to get involved with someone so much younger.) R. told me that she is so good for him and then proceeded to tell me all of the things he's willing to do now, (like reading) due to her good example. It's so heartbreaking to love someone so much and have them start to finally grow up but because of, or for someone else. Now I understand this overly intense friendship he had with this high school girl a long time ago. She was a fencer and I always had this feeling that something was going on but I though, no he couldn't be interested in a little girl like that. Of course he could.
Frankly, who wasn't he interested in? On our wedding day he kept teasing my maid of honor by unzipping the back of her dress, what was that? Then a few years later when he as really drunk one night he tried to screw my best friend, with me right in the other room. He tried to kiss another friend of mine when we were just dating. On my birthday once, when we were all hanging out in the Jacuzzi naked, he waited till I got out, and my friend's boyfriend got out, then ducked under the water and swam over to her puss and tried to eat her out. Man what a jerk he was. Why was I so tenacious? I think I must be incredibly devoted and loyal, I'm like a glue-woman or something, all the signs were there, he treated me like dirt and I just hung on and took it, over and over again.

Still it hurts so much to see him outside in his car smiling when he comes to pick up Beau. He's so mean to me sometimes, he doesn't help us in any way, and he's so poor that he's taking a trip to Louisville Kentucky to direct a fencing tournament, and then he's going to New York to be with his girlfriend, grrrrr. (Not just girlfriend grrrr, but spending money to travel to see his teenage girlfriend while we are struggling, grrrrr.) Beau told me she looks like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice, that young. Great. I so want to lose a hundred pounds so I'll look great and then he'll be sorry because he can't have me. Isn't that pathetic? Rejection after so long, so much life lived together, is such a bitch.

None of this makes sense to me because I cheated on him. I was very much in love with my current partner before he left. I love my man now. I just was conjoined with Robby and I don't really know why. I can guess but it doesn't really help. I'm still stuck with all of these feelings. My Mother says, "Get over it," yeah thanks, that's compassionate, no problem, I'll just order up a glass of, Get-Over-It, from the room service menu. You know what else is sad? No matter how hurt or angry I am about all of it, I can't stand for him to feel badly about himself. When he says something defeatist to me on the phone, I feel sorry for him. Then I have to remind myself that he must be sociopathic to behave the way he does, and it's all just an act of some kind. How can I ever feel sorry for someone who would rather jaunt around the country and continue to live with his Mother, than get his own place and create a little space for his son? Blech, I hate talking about this painful stuff. It always comes up for me when he comes to get Beau though, and Thursdays is come get Beau night.

Okay, off we go to see Before Night Falls, oh shoot I forgot the Vampire movie, I have to see that too. Darn these Academy Awards. I want to be a part of this so badly, I've spent my entire life dreaming of it.

Big Hugs to all of you,

PS: If you want to see a picture of my favorite naturist (naked) resort in Palm Springs just click on the responses to this post, I put a couple of pictures of it in there.
  • Current Music
    just kidding, I can't drink : (