April 2nd, 2001

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We went to see the ABBA musical, Mama Mia, yesterday. The tickets were $70.00 a piece and it was completely sold out. There were some really good actor/singer/dancers, particularly this amazing older woman who played the Mother. She was stunning. It was fun to see how they would work these songs we've all heard a billion times into the story line. It was sweet and fun and I enjoyed it, I like the encore when they lit the audience and did a medley and everyone in the audience jumped up and started dancing. I'm glad I went, I just don't like what's happened to big commercial theatre and musical theatre. It all seems so dumbed down and phoned in. It seems designed for the masses, people who are very simple and easily won over by bright lights and big sounds and a very basic storyline.

I called my Mother yesterday and told her that I'd found a brown paper bag filled with money in my front yard. I told her it was full of fifties and hundreds, and that there must be at least ten thousand dollars in there. She was so cute, she told me I'd better report it to the police, but to be careful because if no one claimed it, the police just might go ahead and steal it. I said, "Well do you think I should just go on over to the police station and say, Happy April Fools' Day Mom?"

I keep getting phone calls for Nelson Riddle on my third phone line here in the house. I added this number about six months ago when I had to change the old one because Coco, my ex-housekeeper, was harassing me.

Oh nooooo, I went away to help Noemi change the water bottles for the rats because she's afraid they will bite her, and while trying to show her how perfectly safe it is, my little brown girl bit me. Great. My finger was just dripping blood, and there I was trying to show Noemi how safe it is. It's my fault because I feed them little snacks through the bars of their cages so they get confused and think anything coming towards them is going to be food. Since I have so many now, they don;t get as much attention as they would if there were fewer and they're a bit shy so they see the food, get ready and grab the food, and quickly turn to run with it. The problem comes when it's my finger and not a piece of food. I think you can imagine what just happened to my finger, ouch. I'm thinking, well, that makes two maybe I'm due for a third. Do you think I should just go over there and stick my finger in one of their cages and get it over with?

As if that wasn't enough I told the, by now frightened Noemi, that I would take over and feed the rats so she wouldn't have to, what with there being so much of my blood all over the place, and while trying to open the door of my most aggressive rat's cage (this is the ratty who we affectionately call the crazy rat because well, she just is,) I accidentally left my other index finger within grabbing distance and she bit it. Now I have two rat-bitten index fingers. Ahh who cares, could be worse. I could be a poetry professor with advanced end stage ovarian cancer. Fucking cancer. I hate you cancer. Did you see wonderful, amazing, Emma Thompson in Wit on HBO last night. I only saw the second half but it was so moving, so well acted and directed. It was soooo sad. I love Emma Thompson and the actor who played her nurse, she was magnificent. Of course they had the benefit of Mike Nichols directing. Sigh. I want so much to be out there working again. I need to remember that when I choose to eat crappy food that will keep me from being healthy and getting fit.

Anyway back to Nelson Riddle; You remember him right? The famous composer/orchestra leader who wrote for Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Judy Garland and many others? Well, I keep getting phone calls for him from the Musicians Union and ASCAP I think. I had to convince them today that he doesn't live here, he passed away in 1985, sheesh. They said this was his last number. If anyone happens to know any of Nelson Riddle's heirs, there are a lot of people trying to send them money. It's so amazing that anyone could be so casual about something as important as that, maybe they have so much money that the fees just don't mean that much to them? That's pretty hard to believe.

This reminds me of the time Julia Roberts called me to come to her hotel room to do her hair. I think I just have good numerology, or maybe it's the cosmos reaching out and saying, come on, get back in the game, you are so close to your dreams, all you have to do is walk out the door.
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Sometimes I just get so sick of people...

I'm hungry and tired and feel weird.

I just ate some peanuts, but I'm craving sugar. You know what? Maybe this is what it feels like when the Glucophage wears off. Maybe this is the difference between what it feels like to be normal and me. Maybe this is why I put on so much weight. Maybe people who say they will stay with you in sickness and in health and then don't, should be taken out into the street, stripped naked and laughed at by underaged girls with tiny breasts. Sorry, little bit of anger there, I'll try to reign it in. Should that be reign or rein?

I just asked Noemi for a big piece of cake. I haven't taken a walk in a few days. My poor rescue doggy is hanging out in the backyard, probably wondering what the hell kind of dog-prison she's gotten herself into.

Esther had her car stolen last week and was so upset. She has so little and that car was such a piece of junk, but it meant so much to her, she couldn't understand why someone would take it. I decided that if I got the money from the loan, that I would somehow get her another car because she needs one so badly, but luckily, they found it. It was dumped a few blocks away minus the gas cap, license plate, battery and stereo, but they didn't get the tires. Selfish jerks.

I called my loan gals today just to make sure everything was on track and found out that the appraiser said he couldn't bring my property in at the price it needs to be. This is not a good piece of news. I can hear a very loud clock ticking and there's a time bomb at the end of a short fuse that's attached to it.

Maybe some television and sugar will dull the pain.

Beau is at Steven's house working on his science project. His Mother scares me. I mean really scares me. She's the kind of person who I think will eat me up or harm me in some way if I let myself spend too much time around her. All that exists in relationship with her is her agenda. I don't think she knows anything about me and yet I know all kinds of things about her. I'm sure she doesn't like me but she knows a sucker when she sees one. She's pushy, rude, domineering, manipulative, but on the other hand she has very pretty hair, dances on pointe, and follows Munktananda. It's confusing for me. I don't like her son very much either. I've really tried to be nice to him but he's super sneaky and mean to Beau. God, why did he have to pick him for a partner on this?

We have three weeks to help the kids get their science project done, but she's going out of town and wanted to get it done in one day this weekend. I had just been through so much illness and stress and just wanted to cool out this weekend. She called and started telling me what we had to do and I just kind of went along with it reluctantly, only later realizing that I didn't have to go along with things just because she said so, argh. Anyway she said she'd pick up Beau and do some of the work on the project if I'd send along some of the money. She said, "Load him up with cash." I gave Beau a hundred dollars and she used every bit of it. She even bought their lunch and dinner with it. God, I feel like such a shmo.

On the other hand I would gladly pay that much if she were kinder and took into consideration that there is just as much value in contributing that much money to this public school project, as there is in running around, making mistakes buying things, panicking, and having to go back out again. Today I went out and bought five huge batteries to power their lights. She was pissed at me that I didn't deliver them when she had wanted me to. I was about a half hour late, according to a schedule she had set without asking me.

Would someone remind me to erase this entry if I ever e-mail them and somehow attach the link, like I did with my ex? Shit.

OMG I think she's here dropping Beau off. I don't want to see her or talk to her, it's like being sucked into a vacuum from which there is no escape with my self esteem intact. When she comes over to pick up her son she says things like, God I don't know why Steven would want to be here with all of these cats, and one time when her son helped mess up Beau's room, she said his room was gross. She even tells me what she wants me to serve the kids for dinner. I had to tell her that I would give them whatever I wanted to give them and that she would just have to trust me that it wouldn't be candy.

It's just that I have such a hard time with pushy people, my Mother and Father were very domineering and I hate having to set boundaries over and over with someone. None of the other parents want to have anything to do with her or her son, which is sad because I don;t think she gets it. She uses people for baby-sitting and doesn't like to return the favor. She actually asked me to take her son for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Night and Mother's day. She puts on a pretty good sprouts and granola attitude, but when I hear that she was screaming Fuck at Steven in the car, the whole mystical-earth-Mom-meditating-on-a-groovy-mountain thing, kind of collapses. I've tried to distance myself, tried to get Beau involved with other kids, but he's in the same class with Steven and for some reason he keeps hanging out with him.

Nope it wasn't the entry gate, it was the phone. She was wondering why I hadn't come back with poster board that she never asked me to get. The last I heard she didn't want to use poster board. Guess she changed her mind. How can someone so driven be a yoga gal? You know, in a way anything is better than staying up till four in the morning like we did with Beau's mission project, so I'm grateful to her for that. I just don't like dealing with people whose energy is so intense and pushy.

...and to top it all off I'm jealous of her hair. I could seduce a hundred men with hair like that ; ) Where's my man when I need him? Waaaaaaa...
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Cool, I won this nun.

I'm watching the Sissy Spacek midwife moie but I have to go pee so badly, my throat feels itchy and I need to put the Beau to bed. Jake is in here with me, he's curled up in this little leopard print kitty bed that I bought for him.