I'm sorry but I think this bears looking at again.
Oh God am I tired. I had a longish day. I just finished updating my friends page. It was hard to delete people. I added way more than I deleted. In fact it was humiliating to me that I hadn't added certain friends sooner, I just hadn't noticed. Then there were the people who never post and who don;t even have me on their friend's lists but who I just didn't have the heart to remove. Plus there's the fact that I am one very scattered forgetful neglectful Live Journal friend. It's really awful. I went to mIRC the other day when Live Journal was really slow. I had several posts I wanted to put up, at lipglossgirl, btrip, howief and someone else and simply couldn't get them through. It was so frustrating. Anyway there I was and Lil was there and I couldn't place her, humiliation, she's fade and cryo's significant other. God, I know that, but I can't keep it all in my mind. Slowly I'm beginning to accept my psychiatrist's diagnosis of ADD, hell I might as well, I'm taking the medication.
I don;t mean to be selfish and forgetful. I really love my cyber friends. For example, I love Zuma and Cydniey but they don't even have me listed on their friends pages and I can only imagine why. I am a terrible Live Journal friend, I absolutely truly adore them, I love them, I care about them, if they were hurting I would be so sad, I think of them often, but do I track with them? Do I know what they are doing from day to day? No. I'm a complete fuck-up as a cyber pal, and it's not for lack of trying.
In the real world, I don't know how else to differentiate the two for you, hard versus soft, real versus unreal, I have always had few close friends and a big broad base of friends who I would love to goo deeper with, spend more time with, make more of a commitment to, but it's all i can do to return phone calls and try to keep the close friendships I do ahve alive. It's all about focus for me. So the question is, well for me for tonight anyway, how do I improve my focus? IN the meantime will you accept me as I am and know that I do care about you, even though I need you to shake my brain a bit every once in a while to help me shake off the fuzziness?
I truly had no idea I'd been living with a handicap this HUGE for my entire life. I know some people have thought it was selfishness or some kind of snobbery. That hurts me so much because I am such a loving everyman kind of gal. I'm not prejudiced, I'm not a social climber, I'll love people for who they are, rather than how they look, or what they have, or what they do. Social status and stupid crap like that has never meant anything to me. The more unique and compassionate you are though, well, that's what gets my attention. Intelligence and a great sense of humor are pretty appealing too. Although loving people for their uniqueness and creativity can be a kind of trap too, I've been snowed by people who look unique, so I guess I can make some shallow judgments based on appearance. I once cared a lot for a guy because he was scruffy and had a funny name and walked around with a parrot on his shoulder, it didn't turn out so well.
I guess my point was or is that I am realizing how hard it is for me to pay attention to people's details, to remember things like appointments and dates and plans. I am getting so much better now that I am taking the dread Ritalin drug : ( For the longest time I was afraid to talk about it here because I'm so afraid of the stigma, plus the idea that my ex could use this against me in any kind of custody dispute that might come up during our divorce. Although I think his being a forty year old bigamist who is dating and eighteen year old and living at his Mother's house kind of beats my ADD and possible bipolarity and depression hands down. And, (yes damnit I will begin this sentence with and) I forgot what I wanted to say here, well isn't that appropriate for an entry about my inability to focus and remember things?
You know about ten years or more ago, I started noticing how hard it was for me to remember really simple things, like the word scissors or anything I might need to access in everyday conversation. I remember talking to my ex about it back then, and saying that maybe I should see a neurologist but he, my ex, couldn't have cared less, and without his support I just sort of dismissed it as just so much drama on my part. Then there was the fact that I couldn't remember appointments and missed things and showed up incredibly late, lost papers, forgot to pay bills, had an extremely messy room and car no matter how much I tried to correct that. So I guess I'm starting, that's all I'll give this; starting to accept the fact that I may indeed have this disorder God damnit.
At least I'm not as bad off as the gal at the pet store yesterday who kept referring to God and her invisible Father and checking in with them to see what they wanted to tell me. I stopped in to pick something off and my friend Young who is Korean and easily frightened because she's petite and shy and doesn't speak perfect English, looked like she would cry if I left, so I peeked around the corner and there was this poor unfortunate woman acting out her schizophrenic delusions. Poor thing, she needed to be medicated so badly. She would say, "Christu Ti Amu" and turn around in a circle and then tell me things like, "God thinks being overweight is a sin, but if you get rid of all the skulls (what skulls?) he'll bless you in six weeks, he likes red, and purple, yes he likes purple, but he doesn't like fat, fat is a sin, overweight is childhood pain. Christu Ti Amu. I'll be right back. He likes athletes, he's handsome and muscular. Jesus is good looking but not as good looking as he is. He doesn't like pierced noses, nose rings, he doesn't like them and tattoos, those are a sin. I'll be right back. What are your necklaces? He's worried about them, hello, foreign, they look foreign, could be a problem, ask your Oriental friend here to explain them to you, should be okay. Christu Ti Amu. You need to be careful of your neighbors, the fat weird one shouldn't be a problem though. Not him, the other one. There's a good skull on the Mexican cross, raccoons are good. Okay thank you gotta go." Scott was so funny last night when I told him that she drove a white Ford Bronco and that it looked like she had taken a blue wax pencil and scribbled all over it, he cut right to how totally absurd, (to say nothing of dangerous) it was that she was driving. So anyway, at least I'm not as bad as that.
I like to think there are souls here, who for some good reason, maybe for karmic-brownie-points, in the ether/other dimension or wherever, decided they could take on being the person that other people aren't as bad off as. In my case I swear I think I figured I might as well be fatter than other people so that at least other people could feel better when they walk into a room and are insecure about their thighs. Oh phew there she is, she's fatter than I am. I'm just glad I don't have to be the meanest or the dumbest or the ugliest person in the room. Although now that I've said that I'm wondering if my karmic life-o-meter just clicked over and tallied up three more lives I'll have to live being mean, stupid, and ugly, in order to develop more compassion at a soul level.