May 7th, 2001

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Hi Everybody,

I see that there are a lot of comments after my last entry. I haven't been able to read them all, I peeked and then it made me cry so I decided to give myself a tiny bit more time. Thank you so much for your support! I love you guys so much. You're the best. I'm so grateful to be a part of this community! I'll read them tomorrow and hope you don't mind.

I went away for a couple of days with my Scotty. I was supposed to stay in bed for forty-eight hours but we had already reserved our room at the beach and I thought it might be better for me to get away. I felt pretty delicate on Friday but Saturday we went for a wonderful walk on the beach. I love this beach in Oxnard, (it's near Ventura) you can always find beach glass and little shells, so that's what we did, walked around looking for bits of glass and shells. It was a pretty long walk for me, I'm not in the greatest shape of my life, plus I was feeling a little shaky, but it felt so good to be by the sea, to feel the cold water against our shins, to sit in the sand and pet dogs.

Scott has been wonderful to me. He did everything for me. He was so sweet. We lay in bed a lot and he read to me. I love reading together, it makes me so happy.



We went swimming. There were these really handsome, sixteen-year-old, autistic twins in the pool with us. It's so sad, this family has five children, and three of the kids are autistic. The parents split up. I talked to their Dad and he said the other autistic child is much more severe. He's convinced it has to do with vaccinations. I can just barely imagine the kind of stress having twins with autism, and then having another child with it, would put on a family. These boys were so disconnected. They reminded me so much of Leonardo Dicaprio in Gilbert Grape. One of the boys, well young men really, would talk to his hands and wiggle his fingers in front of his face and say, "Quiet, quiet" over and over.

I made friends with one of the boys, Nicki, when he swam up behind me, and made some sort of noise that just didn't sound normal. He swam right up into my face, and it was so weird, because people just don't do that normally, so I knew something had to be wrong. Then he told me his name, and told me he wanted to take a shower, and the way he spoke, was so simple and childlike I thought he probably had autism. I talked to him for a while and was friendly and nice. He seemed to like it when I would repeat things back to him. he had the sweetest smile and such an innocent and very direct gaze.

Then some other boys came and jumped in the pool, and for a second I thought, hey this is the kind of thing I might have done when I was younger, (I was always acting and screwing around with people) maybe he's screwing around with me. Then I looked over and saw that there was another boy who looked exactly the same as this one, and it was kind of disorienting.

The weirdest part of this experience though, was when Nicki swam up to me and said, "Legs," and then ducked under the water. I wondered what he was doing and then I suddenly felt him pressing his erection against my calf, and rubbing it upwards along my leg. It took me a second to figure out what was going on. I was so shocked, I think I kind of went, "Umm Scott he's, Uh, rubbing on me, Uh, help," or something lame like that. I just couldn't push him away and hurt his feelings, so I swam away and got out of the water, but Scott had to follow me to protect me. Even then he was right behind Scott, following us in the strangest way. I swear, I don't think he meant to be pervy or anything like that, he seriously didn't get that what he was doing wasn't acceptable, he was just following his natural instincts, and I'm so conditioned to be kind and loving that it's just not easy for me to set firm boundaries, especially with someone special like that. I knew I wasn't helping him by not being more decisive and firm, but at least I was able to work up the courage to talk to his father about it, which was really hard for me.



I took these pictures of roses in my garden late this afternoon. I'm having to move my photos away from Picture Trail because they don't want people to link images to other sites and really, that was the only reason I was using their site. I think Cydney was the first person to tell me about it but with this fabulous memory of mine, I'm not sure. I never really liked their lame album frames anyway.

I've been meaning to ask you guys again if you would tell me your favorite photo storage sites? I went around and looked for some sites and the one I'm using now, Club Photo, was my favorite, style-wise. I haven't found any that I really love. My ideal photo site would allow you to upload quickly, store or arrange your pics any way you like, make them public or private, and also have featured photographs and photographers, tips and competitions.

I watched the Sopranos, I so love that show, even though I feel like I shouldn't for some reason, maybe it's the violence or how weird I feel that I'm attracted to someone like Tony Soprano. Then I watched the Bellevue documentary. I love reality based documentary programming. I mean I really like shows like Cops and Trauma in the ER, so this was definitely along those lines. The problem for me with anything having to do with insanity is that I always start comparing myself to people, you know like, hmmm do I act like that, or a little more like that? I'm so sensitive and empathic I have a hard time hanging out with anyone who is seriously mentally ill because I start to experience things from their perspective. I actually do have a friend who is pretty lost but I can't spend too much time with her because it just gets too hard for me.



I'm watching the baseball movie on HBO. These actors playing Maris and Mantle are so well cast. At first I thought they were a little bit stiff but now I think they're great. I love it when directors use actors that aren't that well known because it makes the film so much more believable. This guy playing Mickey Mantle has got a little Brando going for him, I kept thinking he'd be great in Tennessee Williams, and then I realized it was this Brando thing he has going on. I'm really enjoying watching all of these great character actors in the supporting roles. It's such a switch to do it this way.

Although seeing Ernie Sabella, (he's in everything, you'd have to seem him though to recognize him, he's mostly known for playing the voice of the warthog and singing Hacuna Matada in The Lion King) always reminds me that my ex had a full on affair with his mean little wife Lulie before, during, and after I was pregnant, yuck. I always fantasize about running into him someday and saying, "See Ernie I wasn't so paranoid was I?" They broke up but I never learned why, although I'd have to guess it might have had something to do with how often she cheated on him, well, that and the fact that she was a liar, a schemer and a monster. Okay I know I'm bitter, I'll have to pray for her, but not tonight.



I'm missing Scott so much tonight. I forget how much I hate living alone until we spend a couple of nights away together, and then my room seems so lonely, and I'll do anything to stay up as long as I can so I wont have to go in there, and face that I'm sleeping by myself again.



Okay well, I think I'd better try to get some sleep.

Big grateful hugs,
Jacqui
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Chalkboard

(no subject)

Okay so the fact that I'm on the verge of seething, or more like simmering, over the way this woman at the pharmacy, who could barely speak English, treated me on the phone right now, doesn't mean that I'm a shallow, racist, judgmental, stressed-out, high-strung gal with a low anger flash point does it? Maybe it just means I'm an Angeleno, but wait, she works at a Rite Aid in Oxnard, so that isn't it. Argh, I just can't stand it when I use all of my admittedly, limited powers of concentration, and my empathy, patience, and compassion, plus my considerable communication skills and still can't make myself understood, by someone who is in a position where they should definitely be able to communicate! Arrrrrghhhhh, aaaaaaaaaaa, wooooooooo, raaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, gggrrrrrrrr, ya ya ya ya!!!!!!!!!

What's with employers these days? What are they thinking when they hire people? "Well, I can't understand her Ralph, can you? No? Oh well, she'll take minimum wage, she isn't drooling, I guess we can work around the attitude problem. What do you say, let's give her a go! Maybe the customers will be able to make out what she's saying." I mean I kind of get it when the people who work at the fast food restaurants can barely communicate through the garbled staticy speakers, but an assistant to a pharmacist? Someone dealing with people and their medications? Nay nay nay! God I thought I was going to explode and that's just not like me. I'm usually such a mellow, people-loving kind of gal. It must be this ionospheric, auroral, pole-shifting, Art Bell, secret-government, black-ops, weather-control thing at the pole, that's affecting me. I'm kind of kidding, but then again go check out the HAARP project and come back and tell me what you think. When she said, "Okaaaaay huneee, say me you name, one mo time," it took every little bit of my meager remaining energy to remain calm, and spell out my name for what must have been the tenth time, without reaching through the phone and throttling her. I guess I'll just take a deep breath, chant The Jewel in the Lotus a couple of times, write about it here, and poof, all better.

OMG I just flipped on the TV and The Weakest Link is on. I've been wanting to see it just once and it's funny how similar the SNL parody was. Hey, did anyone see the sketch with Will Farrell and Pierce Brosnan where PB was applying for a job with WF? Was that kind of out there or what? How about how long he stabbed the guy with the triton, and umm, when he said, "Hey you black man drink my urine," or something like that. I laughed, but mostly because I was kind of shocked that it was so outrageous, but did anyone else find it kind of disturbing?