May 13th, 2001

Chalkboard

(no subject)

I hate my fucking boyfriend today. We just had a fight and I finally decided I deserved to be treated more kindly today on Mother's day and didn't need to spend my time arguing with him about how innocent and right he is and how unfair I am, so I hung up on him. He's an insensitive bastard. He was trying to weasel out of getting together, or at least to stall it until as late as I would allow him. Then when I told him that my housekeeper, assistant pal, Noemi gave me a pretty vase with Chinese writing for Mother's day he said, "Oh noooo you weren't expecting me to give you a present were you?" It was just the way he said it, the tone of his voice, and the fact that it always seems to be such a chore and a hassle for him to do anything loving for us on holidays.

I'm so tired of his excuse that he just doesn't understand holidays, because his family never really did anything for him. It's getting really old and I'm starting to wonder about how true it is. I think he's just selfish. I remember his brother sending gifts to him, maybe they weren't perfect gifts or what he would want, but I remember him getting things in the mail, and most of the time he wouldn't reciprocate or he'd talk down whatever he got. I remember when his ex-wife gave him a beautiful expensive bar of handmade soap and he put it down, later discovering that it had been costly and that he liked it. I remember his sister in law sending him a hand knit afghan that he received with very little gratitude because she had been mean to him and hurt his feelings once. It's true that I've never seen his Father be overly generous but he always seemed to try to remember him on holidays and I wonder if it wasn't S's inability to reciprocate that pushed him away, I don;t know, I'm just looking at this differently for a change.

I'm tired of lowering my expectations and being so grateful for the smallest token of affection. I mean I'm the kind of person who would so much rather have something handmade that cost a nickel, but took some time and thought, than something you spent a lot of money on but rushed into the store at the last moment to get, not that anyone is going to spend a lot of money on me ever, that just has never seemed to be in the cards for me romantically. The nicest thing someone has done for me in the longest time was when Howie gave me a lifetime subscription to Live Journal. I was so surprised and moved and touched, that and the daisies from Ana and MAW, and the cards people have sent. Although S. did actually spend some money on me for the first time, for my birthday this year. Of course he picked a fight with me at dinner before hand.

I told him that it isn't really about the money, but that I am tired of hearing that he's broke. I mean this is what my jerk of an ex did to our son, tell him that he couldn't give him a present on his birthday because he didn't have any money. How mean and selfish can he be? People can save two dollars a week or even five dollars a week for a few weeks and with a little money you can buy paper and paint and make something sweet, or one beautiful amazing flower, or for Beau Robby could have made plans to do something like go skating together, something, anything to show him he had thought about him in advance and cared.

I told S. that if it were me, and he had a son, and Father's day were coming up, I would know that his little guy would need some help, maybe a ride to the store or help making a card. I would have been on the phone with his child making plans. I would have done something with his son that would be sweet, some kind of surprise, maybe breakfast in bed, or anything that just took a little thought. I don't want to hear his weary voice acting like he'd so much rather spend the day at home by himself. I don;t want to spend the rest of my life engineering my own holidays. I just don't get why I have to struggle like this when I'm so generous. All I want is to feel like I'm cared for and that I'm not left out of the loop that everyone else seems to be in.

At the same time I feel like this selfish bitch who's demanding that she be given to or taken care of. I want to be like my Mother who says, "Oh honey save your money, I don't need anything, you're too generous," but who is secretly overjoyed that I do so much for her. Here's what I'm giving my Mother today; a gorgeous arrangement from the best florist in LA, a beautiful porcelain Limoges box, shaped like a fortune cookie with a sweet fortune inside because she has a collection of these boxes on her dresser, and I always give her one for every holiday, a lovely old framed poem about Mothers, a really cute hand painted miniature wooden screen, it has four panels and it's kind of antiqued or whitewashed, and it has little rose topiaries on it, and I've painted quotes about Mothers on it, five of these funky, hard to find lipsticks, that change color on your lips, that she likes, a brass cat ashtray I found on Ebay for her, and three sentimental cards. I've been gathering these things for weeks.

Of all my friends, hah like there are so many, the person who is the most consistently kind to me on birthdays and holidays is my friend Susan. She always manages to get something to me on my birthday when, I get things to her kind of late. She works so hard and can't afford to spend much on gifts but she always manages to find something I adore for very little. That takes thought and consideration, it takes time and caring. It means you get to know the person enough to know what they love, what their favorite colors are, what they are interested in. It means she goes to a bookstore and spends a lot of time looking through the shelves. Is it just guys who can't do this? Well, then why is it that Bruce Willis knew enough to buy a Victorian house for his wife's dolls? Okay so he has a lot of money, but that took some thought.

I feel sorry for S. and I'm confused. He says he's trying to learn, but we've been together for so long and he still doesn't know me well enough to know what I would love. That just seems like laziness and an inability to get out of his own little world for long enough to see the person who is standing right there in front of him. I'm so afraid I'm seeming like this selfish demanding bitch, but I don't really expect that much. When he asked what I wanted a week or more ago I said that I would be over the moon if he wrote me a poem. Honestly that was all I asked for or wanted. Whenever he asks me I always say I want a song, but he can't do that, so I asked for a poem thinking that would be easier, then when he said he didn't know if he could do that, I said well, then just put some loving words on paper that describe your feelings for me, I would love that. So that's all I'm really asking for, to know that I mattered enough to him for him to take a tiny piece of his precious time to sit down and do something for me in advance of the holiday and to not make me feel like every holiday is this horrible stressful hassle for him. When I told him that Noemi gave me a vase why can;t he just say, "Wow how sweet of her," and leave it at that, why does he immediately have to make it about himself. I mean how can he ask me if he was supposed to get my Mother a card when he knows we're getting together with her, why not just get a fucking card, and make it easier on all of us? Shit! Big sigh.

I just know that I deserve to be treated with just a little more care, forethought, and affection. I guess it's all just a bunch of commercialized bullshit anyway, all of these holidays, but they've always meant so much to me. They always help me get through the year and sustain me when things seem so challenging and disappointing. You know what I mean? Maybe I won't win an Academy Award this year but there's so much joy in the giving and receiving of little tokens of affection on holidays. Holidays are sustaining for me. If you;re in relationship with me, you can't help but know that, and if every holiday you act like it's this big huge confusing chore, then what are you trying to say to me?

Okay well Happy Mother's Day everyone sorry my post was such a ranty downer kind of thing.