May 17th, 2001

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I saw this man on television who helps reunite people with their lost photographs and possessions after tornadoes have ruined their lives. He collects them and scans them and adds them to this database that he maintains so that people can find their precious lost photos. They showed this man who had lost his two twin sons to a tornado, he had lost all of his photographs and didn't even have one to remember them by, and he found a photo of one of the boys and was so grateful. God, what a lovely thing to do for people. I wish I could find this man and write to him and tell him how much I admire him for doing something so kind. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I'm watching Blonde, I missed the first half, but Poppy Montgomery is so good. I don't think anyone can really totally personify Marilyn, but she's really good. She doesn't look that much like her but she's so committed and real, she has the sweet baby doll voice, and the eyebrow lift, the little expressions, and the depth of emotion. Her work reminds me a little bit of Kim Basinger. I really like her, but I don't like these stupid actor asides to the camera, it's just kind of lame and corny.

I was reading earlier on this great web site that you can use super glue for putting wounds together. That would be so much nicer for children to save them from the fear of having sutures and for women who tear giving birth. I waited forever while this doctor sewed me up. He was so pissed that he didn't have time to give me an episiotomy and had to sew up a crooked tear. Ha ha.

I'm Paying my Ebay auctions : )
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Phew, just got home from a round of errands; money gathering, bank, dropped off Beau at my house, then drove around the neighborhood, waiting for my ex to drive away. Stopped and spoke with neighbor/friends and said hello to dogs. Drove by the Village Church and saw a pretty Asian bride and groom practicing for their wedding.

She was so pretty and she had one of those ribbon bouquets, that your bridesmaids make for you, from the ribbons tied around the gifts at your shower. Sigh. All my life I bought into all of those sweet romantic traditions, but I've always felt like I had to twist the arm of fate to make them happen. They've never come easily or gracefully to me. At my wedding, my Mother, who did try to make us happy, ruined things by being so married to conventionality that she couldn't let go even a little and had to run the show, so to speak. She insisted we do things certain ways, and it was such a tug of war to get the smallest concessions. Of course since she was paying, she pretty much got what she wanted.

Maybe I'm being too revisionist and unfair. I just know how much I hated her dictating what Robby could wear based on the time of the day when we were having the wedding. He had to wear a morning suit and he didn't want to wear that. He wanted to wear a tux. Then at the wedding everything was dictated according to the needs of the photographers. She made us leave while the party was still going on so she could get a picture of us leaving. She made me change into a "going away" dress, when I wanted to stay in my gown. Any sweet little moment that happened by chance would have to be reenacted for the lame photographers who didn't have a clue how to shoot candids.

Then there was my absentee Dad who just kind of puttered around and tried to sort of mix with all of these people who he thought were beneath him socially. Plus he never liked Robby, who he pegged as a philandering money grubber from the first. He didn't like his teeth and called the pants he wore, "Pimp pants." I never knew what was wrong with Robby's teeth or how those pants could be seen in that way. Dad used to say, "I know his type." Do you think men can sense other men who screw around, or who are jerks.

It was such a far cry from the sweet, romantic, richly meaningful wedding I've always dreamed of. Of course one of my favorite cats died in my arms that very morning and I had to force myself to soldier through the whole thing, while I was grieving, and excited at the same time. It was so awful and sad, and exercise in dissociation. Plus Robby just wasn't into it, not in the way a man would be, if he really loved his wife and was excited to be marrying her. He was too busy acting like a little boy and flirting with my maid of honor. Meanwhile his sister, my bridesmaid, was crying and fighting with her Mother, who had slapped her across the face. Tina had gotten embarrassed when Penny (my EX, Yeay, mother-in-law) said, "Oh poor Jacqui to have to go pee so much, her pussy must hurt."

Tina always hated it, (well frankly who wouldn't), when her Mother would say pussy. She hated it so much that we used to tease her by saying everything with the letter P. Like, "Oh Hi PAthena, how is your Pussy feeling today? Is it Pretty and Perfect?" Stupid things like that. Anyway when Penny said this in the dressing room at the church, in front of the other bridesmaids, Athena said something like, "Oh Mom why do you have to talk like that?" Then my friend Karen, whose Mother can also be a handful said, "Oh it's okay Tina don't worry my Mother always embarrasses me, we don't mind." Penny overheard this and just went off on poor Athena, plus she was having major problems with her creepy second husband, and then had to see her ex and his wife at the reception, so she got drunk as usual, and took it all out on Athena and slapped her in front of a bunch of people. I spent a good part of the reception sitting in the den, holding her hand and listening to her cry.

She always did things like this, if there was any kind of family occasion, we could pretty much count on her doing something super scary, and emotionally out of control, that would embarrass everyone, or draw the focus away from whoever's party or celebration it was. it always had to be about her. When Robby's brother Mark got married, she wanted to have the rehearsal dinner at her house, so reluctantly Mark and his wife Tiffany agreed. Then Penny invited some weird people over, (she could come up with some pretty weird friends) who didn't even know Mark and Tiffany, and served strange Greek food that no one could eat. People were so hungry that I think they left early and went and got pizza or something. She had the Greek food because she's half Greek, but it was just a kind of selfish weird thing to do. It always had to be about her.

She was the supreme queen of drama, she would have made a great bad soap opera actress on one of those Latin soap operas on Telemundo. I empathized with her hurt, in fact I was one of the few people who would have the patience to sit and listen to her complain about everyone and everything all the time. I have so many Penny stories but I'll bore you with them another time.

I guess I just feel sad because I don't understand how time gets away from you, and the years seem to go by faster and faster now, and I feel like I'm too old to ever get to do any of these things again.

Hey I know I'll call my friends who I've owed phone calls to for forever. No, I don't have the energy and I have e-mail to deal with, and boxes from eBay to open.

I just bought tickets to a draggy sing along costume contest screening of the Wizard of Oz. It will be at The Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood and the funds go to benefit Gay Games 2006. I think this will be an awesome way for Beau to see The Wizard of Oz, he's never seen it all the way through.

Scott is coming over tonight. He's pretty (continuing with the wedding them) married to television, so I promised we'd be able to watch the season finales of Friends and Will and Grace. That'll be fun. My package buddy's package has arrived. I'm really excited but I think I'm going to wait until the end of the night, when I'm alone, to open it.

Hopefully Robby will give Beau something nice for his birthday, that he was "too flat broke" to get anything for, even though he managed to go to New York, Kentucky, and San Francisco, on fencing trips recently. Beau said, "Mom, he didn't even give me a card." I'm always so careful not to knock Robby to Beau because I know that's harmful, and that's what Penny (his Mother) always did to his Father, but my psychiatrist thought it would have been good to say, "Honey that's one of the reasons why we aren't married to each other anymore."