June 1st, 2001

Chalkboard

(no subject)

Someone posted this in ana's free forum, anarchy. I hadn't seen it before, bear with me if you ahvem but it's just so funny, especially the part about owning Canadians.

FOUND THIS SOMEPLACE (I think it originated from a tv show...)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant
Orthodox Jew - homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22
and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter
to Dr. Laura.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share
that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need
some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws
and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,
I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would
like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In
this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3.
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanness - Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states
that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are
purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies
to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?


5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not
approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there
some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching
the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if
I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.
24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know
you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Someone mentioned that Michael Moore may have written this. I love him, he's so funny in such a decent way.
Chalkboard

(no subject)


Here's an ad I made for my ex to use so he can earn enough money to pay us child support, ha, ha.

I'm pretty lame at this but you get the idea.


God it is so hard to make decisions sometimes. I seem to be functioning on so little energy. I had set up an appt. with Mr. Nice Guy, the handyman, but after talking to you about it, I decided I'd better cancel with him and go with this other guy. The problem with the Mr. Nice Guy guy is that he has to schedule everything around his meetings, which wouldn't bother me that much if the vibe I get when I talk to him wasn't so weird. It's just that when I speak to him on the phone my instinct seems to say danger. I think somewhere along the line, probably from neglecting my own inner voice for so long, I've learned to mistrust it, or question it, and then I get confused.

When I opened the Yellow Pages my eye was immediately drawn to this guy's ad. I'm a sucker for a charming alcoholic, so that's probably what drew me to it, but I had called some other people and after speaking with MNG and setting up an appt. with him for today, another handyman called and just sounded so much more stable. (Hmmm I'm noticing I use so much, too much, heh.) The second guy, Tim, works for a hardware store and is part of their handyman team. He comes with insurance and referrals, and hasn't asked me if I knew a good dentist, or complained about his aching tooth, or called on the wrong day to tell me that he can't make it, like MNG has. I was going to call MNG last night and cancel but before I knew it, it was ten at night, and it felt inconsiderate to call that late, so I put it off till just now. When I called him he told me that he'd been to see my dentist and liked him, but was worried about the cost. Then he got into some other weird personal stuff about his credit and relationship with "a lady". I didn't have the courage to tell him the truth so I lied (doesn't that suck) and told him I'd call back next week to reschedule. It's a relief that I won't have to deal with this guy who just sets off itchy alarm feelings inside me, but I feel guilty and worried that he might just have been a Mr. Nice Guy and I'm throwing myself to the sharks instead.

Last night when I spoke to the other handyman, Tim, he told me that he's booked up like mad and that he's leaving on a trip in a few days. I told him that all I needed was an hour of his time to hang a few picture frames, and another hour somewhere to change a bunch of bulbs that are too high up for me to get to. He said he'd squeeze in an hour at the end of his day today. When I called to confirm with him today, he answered his phone and then sounded wishy washy about it. He said he'd call me and let me know if he can get to me today. I reminded him that he'd told me to cancel with the other guy and that he had committed to coming for an hour. He whined about this a bit and then sort of agreed that he had committed. He told me he'd call me later.

Man, these guys make fifty dollars an hour! Is it really this hard to find someone who isn't weird who can come out and hang a few pictures? This just makes me mad at my ex (Howie cover your ears, la, la , la, la,) who is an experienced, fine finish carpenter, and a licensed bonded contractor. He tells me how little work he has, that for the entire month of May he has barely been able to scrape together forty hours worth of work. Maybe he should put an ad in the paper and call himself Mr. Run-Around, or Mr. Sleazy, or Mr. Won't Pay His Way or wait better yet Mr. Compulsive, the Backstabbing, Betraying Liar! I think I'll go make an ad for him.