June 17th, 2001

Chalkboard

(no subject)

My Mother the monster, and conservative, political, and social values, yuck.

My computer is acting so weird, ack, say some cyber prayers for me kay? My Mother was also a complete spoiled-brat-obnoxious-monster to me. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to the cemetery to visit my Father's grave for Father's day and she was just so rude about it. She made some dismissive remark about his being my Father not hers. Tehn she started bringing up other upsetting things and being mean, then she hung up on me.

I understand that she can't handle facing it, but she's just so selfish and mean about the whole thing. I hate her toughness and her defensive behavior of batting away anything that she doesn't like, no matter who gets hurt in the process. She just strikes out blindly, coldly, cruelly. She once told me she didn't love me so that I'd leave her house. She even threatened to call the police and have me taken away because we were arguing. I told her to go ahead and call them, but that's when she said she didn't love me, and I started crying so hard I was hyperventilating so I just gave up and left. She's loyal to whoever is paying the most attention to her at the time, but because I'm some kind of repository of her history, or she feels connected to me in some way, she never truly abandons me, just threatens to.

I honestly think that she is insane in some ways. I mean anyone who would hit, or as she says, "gently nudge," their own child with their car, twice, can't exactly be considered stable. She's so fucking narcissistic. God, when do I get to have a normal existence, a normal family, who love and support me, and allow for my flaws and failings, uniqueness and individuality? Never I guess. I wonder if anyone who has these things; loving parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, good friends, a spouse who doesn't run around and cheat on them, get drunk, scare them, strangle them, hurt them or abandon them; I wonder if anyone who is lucky enough to have what resembles a normal life, truly appreciates what they have.

I work so hard at being grateful for what I've got, it just hurts sometimes to have so little in the way of emotional support from my family of origin. Never had it, never will. My Father's gone, all that's left is my Mother, and she's not likely to change. Her priorities are always going to be her clothes. I'm always going to come up empty when it comes to having my feelings valued or taken into consideration. The good thing is that I'm not as easily manipulated by my Mother anymore. I can see her behavior for what it is, spoilt, bratty, child-like fear, and intractability.

It's just her selfish defensiveness as usual, kicking in to protect her. Threaten her dominance and control over anything and she lashes out. It doesn't seem to matter to her that I am always there for her, that we are this close to having a meaningful, warm relationship. It doesn't matter what I do, she thinks everything can be replaced with money, people can easily be hired to do whatever I do for her, for less, and more efficiently too, without reminding her of her flaws. What she wants are slaves who don't need or feel; worshipful, adoring slave people who do as they're told and "don;t make waves" and who aren't "crybabies." Work for her for thirteen years and she's liable to fire you without any kind of warning, or compensation, just for getting old. Want a vacation, or any kind of normal benefits, and poof, you're a troublemaker who needs replacing.

People are like little interchangeable cogs to her. Everyone is less than, everyone is beneath her imagined social status. How did the daughter of a poor, orphaned, girl from Minnesota come to believe that she was so special, and so much better than everyone else? My Grandmother's arrogant, social ambition sure left it's imprint on her. All blacks are dangerous and likely to riot and steal from the haves. All Jews are greedy, money-grubbing, porn-meisters, out to lead the innocents astray through manipulation of the media. Women who are sexual are whores. Indians and the Irish are alcoholics. A last name will tell you everything you need to know about a person. Attain or maintain youthful beauty if you're female, or you'll never marry an important man. Marrying well, for a woman, is the ultimate achievement, unless of course if you're Hillary Clinton, because you've just got to hate her. People who are poor are filthy gypsies and beneath contempt, well, we can feel sorry for them, but we shouldn't associate with them, certainly not share our tables with them. Mexicans should count themselves lucky to receive whatever scraps we give them and had better work hard for what they get. Don't stand out too much. Don't show affection in public. Tolerate sexuality for the sake of your marriage and social standing. Do as I say not as I do and follow the leader, leader, leader, as long as he's endorsed by the Republican party, no matter how fucking stupid he may be.
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