June 27th, 2001


(no subject)

Feeling a bit blue today. I can't tell if it's chemical, or hormonal or situational. I bought a little companion dog for my Mother yesterday. He's a puppy, a white Maltese. My Mom had one when she was a little girl and she called him Toto. He's so cute, I brought him over to her house yesterday and she was a panicked wreck. Rosa, her housekeeper was so happy she cried, but you never know with Rosa. Mom panicked, got stomach cramps and kept saying she couldn't handle it, even though Rosa says she would gladly do anything to get to her to keep the dog. Now Mom insists I take him back. He's so cute, I really wanted her to keep him. If she could just get over the panic it would be fine but she's just too nervous, too elderly I suppose, how sad. I hope they'll take him back. I kind of want to keep him, he's so cute. i think I've said that, sheesh.

Whenever I get really sad I think about my adoption. i think about my brother and sisters from New jersey and wonder what they are doing and why I can't talk to them or known them. I really hate my birth Monster (Mother) for saying I'm the daughter of a rape and freezing me out. I know she's lying, not because of a desire to delude myself from something very challenging emotionally, but because of the conflicting facts and records. The sad thing for me is that the one sister I had contact with, a graduate student in marine science, completely buys her Mom's story and thinking of me as this rape girl, can more easily distance herself from our biological connection. I guess it's easy to dismiss a half sister when you have two other full siblings. Having never had any makes it a little more painful.

I spent hours combing the net and calling around for information regarding adoption laws and contact information. i even called the police department in the city where they live to find out the law as it applies to contacting sibling. I contacted a PI in New jersey but how can I know if he or she is reputable? The police won't refer one. Even as I write this I worry that my sister might be reading this because she has the link, but then again I doubt she cares. She seemed pretty cold and self protective, very cut off, academic, detached emotionally. I guess as usual it comes down to a matter of my needing to surrender and accept that things happen as they are meant to. perhaps this yearning for family is misplaced as far as these people are concerned. They're hardly a well of warmth and acceptance. It's just so very far from being my dream of a warm welcoming reunion, this cold closed door, and there are so many lies.