September 11th, 2001


(no subject)

Oh God I just realized I posted my last two posts to the Burning Man community instead of to my own journal.

This was earlier today;

I'm sick of watching the television, but I can't seem to stop. I feel paralyzed in a way. I can't get myself to move or do anything. I haven't left the house all day. I keep crying and staring agape at the television.

All those dear people. Such horrible, terrible, frightening loss. I want to help. I want to fly to New York and cuddle people and wipe away tears. I just can't stop crying.

My assistant Noemi asked me if I had seen the shots of people jumping out of the windows and I said, "No," then I stupidly took her advice and turned on our biggest Spanish language channel and saw close ups of people jumping to their deaths, their bodies flailing, and flipping, end over end, plummeting to their deaths. I feel so sick. I feel impotent and sick.

I think about those people on the planes who knew they were heading for buildings, what must that have been like for them? I think about people who were trapped in the upper floors of the building yet still in contact with loved ones outside via telephones or computer who suddenly went down when the buildings did. Or the correspondent on Larry King who was talking on her cell phone to her husband as her plane dove into the Pentagon.

I think about that woman I saw in Palestine, laughing and smiling, making victory signs and saying, lulululululul. I want to hate her for her monmumental stupidity, her brutal cruelty, and ignorance in the face of such tragedy, and I know I cannot. How can I know what it feels like to be her, to have lived through years of what we are experiencing only today? Why does she hate us so much when I can't bring myself to hate her.

I'm just so so unbelievably sorry for all of the people affected by this, for the people who have died and are injured, for all of the people who have lost someone they loved, or someone they only knew in passing.

I have to go pick up the kids at school. I wonder what questions they will ask. I wonder how I should handle this for their sake. I am having such a hard time moving, I feel leaden, and sick sick sick.

I love you,

And this is the post I just put up;

My boyfriend bailed on being with me tonight. I feel so alone. I've been crying and crying. So depressed and torn. I couldn't stop myself from watching the coverage on KMEX, the shots of the bodies falling. I want to be in New York or Washington where I can be with people who are closer to this. I want to comfort people and share this grief with someone else.

I'm sick of sitting in my bed, watching the televison, switching channels, blowing my nose. I had to go out to pick up the car pool. I had to hold it together for my son. This is so horrible and hard for anyone, but especially for children to comprehend and to process, so overwhelming and scary. I was looking forward to being able to kind of commune with my partner, to be able to share some of this with someone I love. But he chose to get high and stay home and I'm just so angry and hurt. It reminds me of when I was with my ex, who left us behind during the riots, to fly off to some stupid fencing tournament. The city was burning and we were so alone. It feels similar tonight. I was going to just make myself try to go to sleep but then I thought that maybe if I came here I would feel a little less isolated, frightened and lonesome.

It's hard to go from the powerfully loving, communal nature of Burning Man, to this lonely life I lead here. It's hard when you don't have a community of people to process all of this with. I thought about going to mass and almost got myself to go, but then I thought the people there might just be mean and closed minded about our colorful hair and we would feel shut out or ostracized.

Okay I'm going to browse the journals and see how you're all feeling.

I'm just so so sorry for those poor people.

I saw this on a message board. I wonder if this is an accurate quote from one of the quatrains.

In the City of God there will be a great thunder, two brothers torn
apart by chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will
succumb...The third big war will begin when the big city is burning...
on the 11th day of the 9 month that...two metal birds would crash
into two tall the new city... and the world will end soon
after - Nostradamus 1654