I've turned the television off just for a bit. I'm so sad and depressed and angry. There's a memorial today in Westwood, at UCLA, on the steps of Royce Hall at noon, that I was hoping to go to but I just couldn't get going. I didn't sleep much, every time I wake up with my bladder problem, (I have Interstitial Cystitis, super painful) I'd think, Oh no what if I've missed something, I'd better turn on the TV or the radio. So of course I'd turn it on for a while, then fall asleep and repeat the same process all over again a couple hours later.
I wish my doctor would just trust me and know that I know when I need antibiotics. Esther just goes to a little secret pharmacy in downtown LA, and asks for penicillin, or whatever she needs, and they give it to her. I have to go to therapy at two but I don't know if I'll feel well enough to make the drive. It's only been a little over a week since I got sick but it feels like ages and I'm impatient. I am however, very aware that this is such minor stuff to be complaining about, while people are in deep grief, or wandering the streets of New York with signs taped to their chests, looking for lost loved ones. My stupid flu thing will eventually clear up but there are so many people whose lives will never be the same again. Hell, my life will never be the same again, I guess it will be the same for all of us.
I was talking to the mother of a friend of Beau's yesterday who got angry at me when I said that I was sad for the skyline of New York. She snapped, "Skyline? Who gives a shit about the skyline, it's the people who matter!" Of course I care about the people. Only someone who doesn't know me could say something like that. The loss of the buildings themselves is also a loss to be grieved. They were a symbol of success and daring, an important American landmark, they were mythic. Beyond that, they were beautiful, and something to marvel at. Then again, seconds after I write this, I think, But why the hell did they have to be so tall? Why didn't they have some kind of escape route on the outside of the building? Screw architecture, they should have had some kind of external structure that people could have used to escape by. I am enraged that a voice on the PA told people in Tower Two that everything was fine, and that they should all return to work. People who complied with this request are dead.
Oh God it's all just so painful. I do try to stay centered in hope. I try to think of the beauty that often follows tragedy; the heroism, the bringing together of people, the sense of community, unity, and patriotism that we are all feeling. I think of the brother and sister of one of the pilots who are conducting themselves with such solemn dignity, who are so eloquent in their grief. I think of those beautiful people lining the streets of New York and cheering the rescue workers. Then I think of that man I saw on television crying and saying how angry he was that so many beautiful innocent people had died behind him as he barely made it out before the second collapse.
I'm so torn up. I guess it's going to go on like this for a while. I've always been pacifistic, a true Billy Jack kind of gal. I don't want to be part of a retaliatory strike that kills innocent men women and children, but I think we have to do something to show the world that actions like these will not go unpunished. I want to kick someone's ass. I want to see fire power and military might and strength and I wouldn't mind it if we wiped out the Taliban and set their people free.
Okay so for now the plan is to meditate on world peace, to pray for calm, reason and compassion, rather than actions that come out of anger. To allow the anger that I feel to have it's place but not to let it take over, not to forget the horrors that have happened but to move closer to forgiveness.
PS: Wow, look at the photo that Neko put up.
It's pretty amazing when you consider that people in Australia threw rocks at Arab children in a school bus and here people are breaking the windows of mosques and making death threats.
Come on people now smile on your brother...