February 2nd, 2002


(no subject)

Okay, so this is a depressing, sad post. You can just skip it if you don't feel like being sad. My cat Tick is dying, beautiful, wonderful, Tick who is so loving, and playful, and wonderful, he's like a being of light to me. He is only four or five years old, and his kidneys are failing. He is in the hospital and they have been diuresing him, giving him fluids round the clock to flush out his kidneys, but he is weak and won't eat. We are going to try a blood transfusion to try to get him stronger, get his white cell count up, but he could react to the blood.

The vet, an intern as usual, was really hard on me on the phone because she wasn't able to reach me yesterday. I tried calling her in the morning but I was put on hold forever and I was about to leave to help my friend Susan take her headshots, so I had to hang up when Susan got here. The vet called back but I told Beau that I couldn't talk to her. I guess she was just frustrated with me and angry because she probably didn't like my funny outgoing message. I love leaving funny outgoing messages but whenever I do, my dark, gothic, miserable life jumps up and strangles me for it. Messages from my Mother fill my machine, shaming me for "making people wait through a silly message, when there is important business to be done."

My Mother is going to be here at 2:30, she wanted to come over and have me sign a quit claim form to the one piece of property I own outright. She is going to pay off the loan that I have on the building now, pay it out of my own inheritance, but she wants to be certain that I sign this form first. I want to make sure she pays off the loan. It's a little bit ugly and sad. I've always done whatever my parents wanted in terms of signing things and agreeing to things, I'm a sheep in some ways, and then in others I'm criminal. I want to be sure signing this is the right thing to do. It would return the ownership of my building to her for the rest of her life, and make it impossible for me to sell or take a loan out on it. I told her I wanted to talk to a lawyer about it and that I needed to be certain it would be in my interest to do so.

My cats mean so much to me, they give me so much joy, but I hate being perceived as this nutty cat lady. I hate that people don't understand that I'm seen as being at best incredibly eccentric, well, maybe eccentric isn't so bad, but being a crazy aging cat lady is depressing. I have to think about what would happen to my son and my cats if I were to die. Beau wouldn't want to live with his Father, he isn't capable of caring for anyone really, he just doesn't go that deep. It's sad to say that because I loved him one with every cell of my being, I still love him, just not naively and innocently as I once did. I don't have any relatives other than my Mother and she is eighty-six, I think. I don't have any brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or cousins. Beau doesn't have any relatives on my side. We're all only children. Then there are the cats, I have to think about what would happen to them. I need to write up a will leaving something to them. Before my Father died I didn't have anything really to leave them, other than my building, now I have my Father's trust, if I can leave that money to someone for their care then I can be certain they won't end up at a shelter or somewhere horrible. See, I told you this would be depressing. It's just that I haven't been well for a while, my weight, my blood pressure, my bladder, and all the other things that have been catching up to me are starting to scare me. I want to have this surgery but I'm afraid I'll be one of the people who die.

As if that all isn't depressing enough, I was reading people magazine late last night and there was the saddest article. It was about two women who lost their husbands on September 11. Two widows who were in so much pain they took their own lives. One shot herself in her bed, the other hung herself with nylon rope. I cried and cried. How can you not be torn up by this? I tore out this picture of this beautiful couple, Pendyala Vamsi and Prassana Kalahasthi, an East Indian couple who didn't even know each other when their families engaged them, but who later fell deeply in love. They are so beautiful in this picture, their wedding photo, so handsome and lovely in their garlands of flowers and silk, red chrysanthemums and gold, their futures so bright with promise and hope. Sometimes I feel so alone, living hurts and my cats keep dying, it feels so risky to love.

(no subject)

Oh God, I called my friend Gia, the gal who I got most of the really unusual Rex cats from. I was crying and just wanted to talk to her because I thought maybe she would be able to tell me something about why all of the cats I got from her are dying. The sad thing is that Gia is always very addicted to something and usually pretty stoney when you talk to her. She was seriously addicted to heroin the last time I saw her which was a little over a year ago. That's when I took Buki (Chalres Bukowsky) who might have skin cancer, Gelato who died of Kidney disease in November, and little Lucilla who is still going strong, knock on wood.

I got Tick from Gia about four years ago. Tick is somehow realted to Buki and is a brother of Niki (Nikilananda) who is tied for favorite cat with Jake. Anyway Gia's habit was so bad she was spending three hundred a day and messed up all her veins so she was shooting into her muscle, then her muscle in her thigh got so bad they had to take out a chunk of her the size of a potato. Finally she went to rehab, again, and she said it took her a month to detox and the people there told her it was the worst case they had ever seen. Now she's addicted to Vicodin and told me she take SIXTEEN every four to six hours.

I talked to her for a while but then I just wanted to get off the phone because I'm so miserable, sad, and angry. I wanted to be able to stay on the phone and comfort her, she sounds so lonely and hurting, every time I tried to pull away she would try to talk about something else. It made me so sad, and even now I feel like I'm betraying her by writing about this but I just have to. When I first met her she was so little and looked just like ana. I kept hoping we could be friends. I want to save her somehow when I can't even save myself.

I never even got to fucking say goodbye to my friend Tick. It's just so damned unfair. People who don't love animals like I do won't get this at all. There are so many people who think people are more important and that people who love animals just as much as they love people are crazy. I hate them for their insensitivity.

(no subject)

Well would you look at this, I was wondering when it would make it's way to me. Right now I just want to find this person and crush his thorax.

Subj: Thomas Biggs/Confidential
Date: 1/29/02 7:49:22 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: thom_biggs2@yahoo.com.sg
To: jacquiscloset@aol.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)

Abidjan - Cote d'Ivoire
West Africa


I am Mr. Thomas Biggs, I got to know of you courtesy
of International Business Bureau here in Abidjan
(Ivory Coast). Sequence to my zeal towards foreign
investment and also security for my life and my
possession, I therefore write to give you a Break-down
of this proposal.

I was the personal confidant to the president of
Sierra-Leone (ALH TEJAN KABBAH) who was formerly
pushed out of office by a military coup carried out by
disgruntled soldiers. However, when these soldiers
stroked His Excellency was forced to run into Guinea
Conakry on exile, some of his closest aids left for
some other countries. While these events took place I
decided to move to Cte dIvoire (Ivory Coast) with my
family and a treasure containing the total sum of
US$17.000.000 (Seventeen Million US Dollars) which was
part of the cash left under my control within the
presidential mansion where I was in charge of

On arrival here In Abidjan, I immediately deposited
the treasure containing the fund into a private
Security Company for safe keeping, although the
Security Company is not aware of the contents as they
were deposited as personal effects and artefacts.

Right now the situation in my country has returned
normal and there are no traces on the fund. I am
seeking for a partner who shall serve as the guardian
of this fund with whom I can plan the best way to move
this money for investment purposes which is my motive
for contacting you to actualise the project. You are
required to assist in the following manners :
1)That you shall be required to provide a good Bank
account where the money could be transferred and where
taxation will not take much toll on the money.
2)That you shall serve as the general overseer and
guardian of this fund and all investment thereafter.
3)To assist in providing me and my immediate family a
permanent residential permit in your country after the
money must have been transferred to your account.
4. Assist me financially to withdraw the consignment
from the security company.

For these services a suitable 20% will be mapped out
for you after you have shown your willingness to
assist. So if you are interested, reply me VIA email
or telephone for further details. Having stated the
above clearly, I expect to receive your response
soonest as I do not intend to have this transaction

Thank you and God Bless.
Yours Truly,
Mr. Thomas Biggs