March 3rd, 2002


(no subject)

I'm going through my favorites list and cleaning out old stuff and organizing the links I want to keep. I'm adopted so I'm naturally pretty interested in adopting or fostering, here is a really touching story about a fostering that went right.

I've been sick. I caught another flu/cold thing. I always get whatever anyone around me has and then it takes me twice as long, as it takes them, to beat it. I finally called my doctor today and asked her for antibiotics. My throat was so sore it hurt to swallow.

Beau's back is hurting, and saddest of all one of his bunnies died. I always feel so terrible and responsible when one of our pet friends dies. I am so careful, and give the very best care, so it just seems unfair when they die. I don't understand. I remember when my ex-brother-in-law, who was only marginally more conscious than my ex was, used our animal's dying as a justification for not liking me, and being glad my ex left me. God that hurt so much. I'd known him since he was so little. Gave him his first driving lessons. Kept him working for so long when we didn't need him, just so he'd have a job. I was even super loving to his crummy girlfriend, the one who cheated on him and dumped him. I had her over to our house for Christmas, and gave her lots of expensive presents because I didn't want her to feel left out. Anyway I guess the point of my writing this is that I feel so misunderstood by him, and I'm very self punishing and shame-based, so when someone, even someone as ultimately unkind and blind as he was, accuses me of something, I carry it around inside me for years and test it out. Could he have been right? Am I an animal abusing monster, responsible for so much death and sadness, the black thumb of animal life? Then I try to console myself by saying, anyone who has as many animals as we do is going to have a higher percentage of mortality, a person with one cat or one dog, or even two or three just isn't going to experience as much loss as someone who has fifty. They won't experience as much joy either, well, I don't know.

I'm looking forward to Six Feet Under, this is my favorite show. After the premiere last year, I came on here and raved about it to you. I got access to the media site for HBO and downloaded pictures and posted them, but now I can't remember the link or the password. I wanted to go see what new images there might be to share.

I'm waiting for Chinese food to be delivered. Feeling really blue today. Trying to be hopeful, so much to accomplish, so much to do all the time, and I feel unequal to it. Bleh, I'll perk up soon, I always do. I think I've just been spending too much time indoors, in bed, blowing my nose, being sneezed on by my kitties, and watching sad trauma dramas on Lifetime. I feel so sad for the bunny, it was so sweet, so innocent, and so cute.