March 8th, 2002

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I can't believe this! I just came in the office, turned on the TV, (normally I don't turn it on until later in the day), and because I left it on WE last night, up pops another wonderful old movie. Cary Grant, Deborah Kerr, Robert Mitchum, The Grass is Greener, and I've never seen it. I adore Cary Grant. Although this plot seems kind of stupid and corny, but it's still fun. The costumes are sooooooo beautiful. I would so love to have a dress like this gorgeous, orange and pink, floral gown, and the jewelry, but then of course I'd have to have a body to go with it, sigh. I am really loving this channel.

I'm still sick, when aren't I though? My doctor told me to keep taking these antibiotics for another two weeks and she also gave me a nasal spray. Argh. I wonder if I could have prevented all of this flu/cold cycling if I'd had a flu shot last fall. I tried to, but they were all out. At least my blood pressure wasn't up so I've managed to stave off the more hard core blood pressure medicine for another few weeks at least.

Scott has been a bit distant and preoccupied lately. I understand but my little girly heart is feeling insecure. I had nightmares about him last night. In the dream we had gone to a movie in Westwood but we somehow got separated. It was raining and there were crowds of people all around. I was trying to find him, but he had the tickets. I asked the usher if I could get in to see if he was in the theatre but he wouldn't let me in. I went to the box office and asked if Scott had left the ticket for me there, but he hadn't. Finally I snuck in and sat down. I was looking around and then I saw him a few rows ahead of me. We met in the back of the theatre and then something went wrong and he was leaving me. I followed him out. It was raining and he was walking ahead of me. This woman came up to him and said something then he was kissing her. He looked back at me as if to say, "See, there, need any more proof, I'm through with you." I was so crushed and hurt.

I called him and he said he'd been trying to reach me all day yesterday. Then he said some really sweet things that I would love to gossip about here, but now that he's got a journal, I can't.

Ala looks awful, delicate, thin, weak. I spent all night cuddling with her, worrying about her. Please send healing prayers and positive thoughts, I'm really worried.
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Lovely, my Mother just called and tried to set me up for a three against one meeting with my ex-semi-friend acquaintance/current trust attorney, Mom's secretary, and my Mother, next Friday. I told her I'd do it, but not with Tina, her secretary. Mom freaked. Then she handed the phone to Tina, saying, she doesn't want to meet with you. I heard Tina saying, "Well, I don't particularly want to be there anyway." When Tina took the phone I said, "Look Tina I did this before with you and Mom at the house, I don't care to go through that again." So Tina said, "Fine I won't go then." Fuck. I can't stand talking about money with any of them, they're all totally unreasonable and I just know it's going to be an ambush. What's the point? You spend too much money. We can't afford it. You're going to go through your entire inheritance and be a penniless homeless person out on the streets. We don't want to see that happen and you have to think of your son. You have got to get rid of those cats and stop spending money. Here we've drawn up a totally unreasonable budget, figure out how to live within it. Ya know, I think I'll call Peter before hand and see what the hell he plans on telling me so that I'm prepared. He needs to hear a few things from my point of view, things I won't be able to say when they're both busy attacking me.

I was so hoping it was the vet calling and not Mom. Esther doesn't think Ala is going to make it, I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to throw up. All I want to do is hide under the covers.
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One of my Mom's first boyfriends died today. He was such a sweet man. I really liked him, and I always harbored this hope that they would someday get together. I feel sorry for her because I know she really cared about him and she's sad. This isn't the senile billionaire in London, this is another man who my Grandmother didn't think was good enough for my Mom so she scared him off.

My Grandmother could be fierce about getting her way, so I don't fault him for giving up. He had a job driving a truck for Penzoil and didn't have any money. His mother was a seamstress, or alterations lady, at Bullocks Wilshire, and my Grandmother didn't like having this woman, who was pinning the hem of her dress, telling her that her son was dating her daughter. She told my Mother, "I didn't sacrifice everything and put you through Stanford to marry a truck driver." My Grandmother was a tough cookie. She came from nothing, and made millions of dollars, at a time when people had very little to live on. Social ambition was everything to her and she wanted my Mother to marry someone from a "good" family. When my Mother finally did marry, she eloped with someone else that my grandmother didn't think was good enough, so she locked herself in her room for a week. Wouldn't eat or drink or some out for anything, until a friend came by and said, "Peggy, we've got to so something about the kids. This isn't right, you have simply got to throw them a party." To which my Grandmother replied by instantly unlocking her bedroom door, and with a tear stained face said, "Party?"

I feel funny writing about this because my Mom is so protective of her privacy. Ever since that silly article came out in the paper and people have been finding me by it, I've been worried that there might be a very remote chance that one of her friends might be able to find me. Although escalators are still a pretty new and scary thing to my Mom so I think computers are pretty far beyond their reach.

You know, when my Mother was a little girl they didn't have refrigerators, they had an ice box, and a man would come and bring a big block of ice that they would put inside it. My Grandmother hated that my Grandfather was always out on the porch fiddling with a crystal set, before radios. I think my Grandfather had one of the first cars in Los Angeles. My Mom was on the first television show to be broadcast from Los Angeles. There was a man who would put on television shows from his car lot, he was a car salesman, and he asked Mom to put on a fashion show. They put black lipstick on her and she was terrified. Her life has been so amazing, when I think of all of the different directions it could have gone in it amazes me.

PS: I know the insectivores and the shells don't have anything to do with this post in terms of theme but they're so cool I had to share them. Insectivore, I love the sound of that word.

PPS: Ala is at my vet's home, I hugged her goodbye just in case I never see her again. I'm afraid to call to see how she is.