April 12th, 2002


(no subject)

Dreams of an Air Disaster, Yuck to Poop, and Whining About the Laundry

I have a lot on my mind today. I had some pretty interesting dreams last night, and because they were so real, so completely dynamic and detailed, I'm wondering if they could be either precognitive, or if I somehow astral traveled to some event in time past. I was also kind of blown away by a link to a journal that I found on ana's journal. I'm having trouble getting Beau on a sleep schedule and he keeps wanting to play with this one friend with whom he always gets in to trouble, and does naughty things, that drive all of us crazy. I'm distracted by the links and stories on AOL's science page, they've found chlorophyll on the surface of Mars, and some scientist in Japan has claimed that if they don't sterilize or kill some of their monkeys, they will be overrun by 2200. I miss the sea, I want to swim in the ocean and look for sea glass on the beach. I ordered a bottle of Viagra on line because I thought it would be fun for us both to try it once and see what happens, but we both have elevated blood pressure and I'm worried it might be dangerous.

In one of the most disturbing of my many dreams last night, (I always remember my dreams, but normally they're all pretty lucid and I can change events and things at will, this one was different), I'm driving down a highway, and suddenly we are caught in a strange weather phenomenon that I don't understand. It comes on us so quickly, the daylights is turning to night and it feels as if a hurricane is coming. The sky is so dark and frightening and there are red lights ahead, like little blobs of red light that are moving across the highway, and strange low whirling winds of smoke and fire. I feel a kind of powerful force all around me and slow my car to try to understand what is happening.

Now there are more cars around, some have stopped on the sides of the road like I am doing, people are getting out and running across the highway and into a field to my left. I look and realize that this is an enormous airplane crash that has just taken place. There is smoke and fire and I can see a commercial passenger jet laying in this field. The wings are gone and so is the cockpit. We are all the first groups of people to arrive at this horrible scene. There aren't any ambulances or police and rescue people yet. I want to run in and try to pull people out of the plane, but someone is stopping me. There is smoke and fire everywhere. There is so much emotion, so much fear, people crying, people being brave, it's all so real to me.

The journal that's been kind of playing at the edges of my focus is this one. I was reading about ana's, you know I don't know if this is public or not, I think it is, but just in case, I'll just say ana's issue, on her journal and she linked to Kiitos and another friend of hers. She mentioned that they had done something very kind for her, and being naturally a very curious kind of gal, I hopped on over to these journals and was surprised to find that Kiitos' every journal entry contains graphic descriptions of his daily poop. Yuck, shudder. Since I'm against censorship, and truly believe that we all should be able to say what we like in our journal entries, (as long as we're willing to accept that people may have reactions to what we say,) I'm wondering what this says about me, what about this particular journal upsets me so much, and why I can't simply dismiss it as his or her odd sense of humor, or perhaps a case of copraphelia on the writers part. I thought about how I applauded ana for her super personal photos of her pretty parts and things like tampons and penis flowers, but I'm having this intense aversion to these detailed descriptions of this person's shit. I guess I hold bodies and menstruation in much higher regard than I do shit and pee, and yet we all do it, so why does it bother me so much that he or she writes about it. Is it the forced intimacy that's upsetting me, or just that it's gross, or that I define it as gross because it's something I'm super uptight about? Hmmm. What do you guys think?

Oh woah, I just figured it out, something a little bit too personal to talk about just now. I don't have too many boundaries but I can't get into it right now. It has to do with childhood abuse and weirdness, sorry. Good thing I'm seeing my shrink today, I knew there was something going on for it to upset me so much.

I've run out of time to talk about the rest of the things I wanted to discuss, ah well. Saida shrunk my new dress, the one I just bought two of so I could use the fabric from one to have the dressmaker make bigger so it would fit. Argh, it never ends. I keep asking her to wash things in cold delicate, and then dry them on the air setting only, but she keeps tossing them all in together, all the delicates with the towels and the sheets, and washing them on hot. This keeps happening over and over, we've all spoken to her several times about it, and she still doesn't get it. Then I feel guilty for complaining because I know how lucky I am to even have any help at all. I'm just so sick of not being able to find anyone, well, other than Esther who can only work the weekends, who can be helpful and not bring a mountain of personal problems along with them. I'm so tired of making excuses for, and taking care of everyone else all the time. Last week she shattered one of my glass sinks in my bathroom, but I just told her not to worry, and that accidents can happen to everyone, but secretly I'm thinking it's because she's rough and careless. There are so many stories I could share about her but then on the terrific side she can be super helpful and works hard and is pretty much trustworthy, but then again her son isn't, he steals batteries out of the backs of our remote controls for his game boy, even though I give him packs of batteries. I just don't want to be like one of those women in The Nanny Diaries. I really want to complain about my son's friend and his mother but lucky for you, I've gotta go.

(no subject)

What a long weird day. My favorite part was when I was hanging out at the dog park and fighting with Scott, nah just kidding. I love fighting with Scott.
Heh, not. I've just felt itchy and angry and weird all day. If I had to give it a name I'd call it mild to moderate anxiety disorder compounded with social neuroticism.

There's a guy at the dog park who I just don't understand. I think he's kind and means well, because his demeanor is gentle, but I think he has some kind of mental handicap. He doesn't communicate in a way that is normal, it's so close to normal though that you think he'll respond in a way that you would expect, but it's always just a shade or ten off. He has this beautiful great dane, I'm crazy for great danes, and I really love his. Her name is Jezebel and she likes me. She likes to sneak over to wherever I am, and then we kiss and kiss, but he doesn't like this for some reason. I just know that whenever we are being friendly, he'll walk over to us and lead her away. I'm not the only one he does this to, so it isn't me. It's just so weird and sad, he's lucky to have such a wonderful dog.

Spooky, (Alla's sweet black kitty), has snuck in to the office with me and is sniffing around the ratties and upsetting the ferrets. Chinchie is pretty upset about it too. I love her cute little hands. Chinchilla's are so so cute, you know you wish you had one ; )

I'm trying to catch up on some of my friend's journals, but it's so hard, I want to do everyone justice and stay for ever, and respond to everything, but there just isn't ever enough time, sigh.

I miss Scott, I hate the rhythm of our relationship. I want it to be more normal and smooth. We'll get close and spend a bit of time together and then he's gone again. I wonder if this is part of why my sexuality has been so shut down. It's hard to open up and be close and vulnerable and then not be able to be near him for a day or two. He lives there and I live here, and he works so much and has so little energy left to be with us. I know he gives me everything he can but I just get so lonely. It'll be fine, we've managed it for all of these years, I'm just off today, lonely, weird, angry, off. I have my period as well, and as I've said before I suffer from DMS, During Menstrual Syndrome.

I neeeeed to go to Ventura and wander around on the beach looking for sea glass, need, need, need. I also need a good night's sleep, and BTW how do people become addicted to Vicodin? I read somewhere that the reason Ozzy Osbourne mumbles so much is that "he is wasted," this according to Sharon, his wife. She said that he's addicted to Vicodin, but how does he get so much of it? I looove Vicodin, so I completely understand how easy it would be to get hooked on it, but what doctor would give out that many refills that you could become addicted?

This is so funny I just had to share it with you. Naked women and a donkey, I don't know, it just makes me laugh.