April 15th, 2002

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Beau is sad now because I won't get him Grand Theft Auto Three. I don't even remember the last time I said no to him when he asked me to buy him something, but I'm not going to get him a game that is not only rated M for Mature, but that is being described as the most volent, blood thirsty sadistic game that this company has ever produced. He's really sad though because he thinks this is the game he has been waiting for all his life, sigh, it's so hard to be a parent sometimes.
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I'm feeling insecure with Scott tonight. I'm not exactly sure what started it. It's so dumb because I know he loves me, but I went to his journal to read his latest entry, and I suddenly realized that, at least in his primary entries, he only mentions me in this kind of mundane daily business kind of way. Jacqui and I went here, did this, saw that etc. etc. He never says, Jacqui was so sweet tonight or I love my girlfriend. Maybe it's a guy thing. Anyway just to torture myself I decided to read back through all of his entries to see if he ever said anything romantic or loving about me, and I found one entry. On January Fifteenth he mentioned that he had "hurt the feelings of the person he was closest to in all the world," this was after a fight we had. I guess that kind of counts. I wrote to him and told him that I had tied with Alanis Morisette in the number of times we'd been mentioned favorably, but actually Alanis wins because she got three compliments, and he mentioned her by name.

I can't believe I'm actually jealous of Alanis Morisette, I can be such a baby sometimes, but a gal could use a little romance or public declaration once in a while. It's just that I, oh forget it, it's too hard to write about, especially with Beau distracting me. I won't even tell you about how painful dealing with some of the lyrics in his songs has been. The one song that actually refers to me by name, (and not even my real name but the more formal version, the one I never use), where I'm not being described as this heartbreaking bitch, didn't make the album because he never recorded it, and it's a really beautiful song. Try to imagine being with a guy who is famous for writing songs using women's names, really sexy romantic songs about women he's never met, but the songs about you are all miserable and unhappy, well, except for the one really sweet one that didn't make the album. I know this seems really petty which is why I'm afraid to post it, but I made a deal with myself that I would be totally candid and utterly myself here, so here it goes...