I hate being an employer. I'm grateful that I can be, but I hate it. I don't like having to set boundaries and rules. It's so hard for me to tell people what I expect and have there be meaningful and fair consequences. I don't want to get walked all over. Plus it's hard to talk about it here without seeming like Ms. Bourgeoisie 2002. Let's just say that if I worked for someone and showed up a couple hours late whenever I felt like it, with really lame excuses, I wouldn't have a job too much longer. It's three in the afternoon, Scott's on his way over, and I had to ask Saida if she was planning on getting around to doing my room anytime soon, rrrrrrr. Sometimes they stroll in around noon, work for half of an hour to an hour at most, and then take a long lunch break on my porch, work some more and then it's time to go. Things that should be done at nine in the morning and then done again in the evening wind up getting done once, or not at all, because I'm too mushy to set an earlier start time. I say oh it's okay, come at ten, and they show up at 11:30 or 12:00. One time she came late with this lie about having had to take her son to the doctor, when I know she didn't, because she used to live next door to my weekend helper Esther who said she was home all morning and was out washing her car. I would so much rather have someone be honest with me and say, look I need a day or three for myself, just to hang around my house, than be lied to. See what I mean, I hate this stuff. On the other hand, I remember how much I hated different jobs I had and how often I called in sick or screwed around on their time. Karma.
The problem here is that it isn't easy to find someone who loves animals enough to want to spend long days cleaning up after them for 350.00 (cash) a week. I also need someone to cook and clean and run errands. Beau and I are bilingual, so someone who only speaks Spanish is fine with us. We really need someone to live in and be willing to work odd hours, but I gave in and hired Saida who won't stay nights because the trade off was her driving for us. Now she says she can't drive anymore because her license has expired and she is afraid to try to renew it with her fake social security card. I don't want to let her go, she needs this job, despite her casual attitude towards it. Plus I just hate going through the whole interview process. It's so grueling and stressful.
I'm also dealing with an issue that's come up for me with a friend, and I can't talk about it here, because he/she reads my journal. If you're thinking it's you, it isn't, because this person is so incredibly selfish it wouldn't even occur to them to care. Then again maybe they would because it seems like the only time they get interested is when there is some kind of negative charge that draws their attention. I'm so burnt out and hurting over this. I've been such a good friend too, I deserve better, but asking for it makes him/her just push you further away. I've invested so much in this relationship, but I've been pulling away and distancing myself for a while now, so maybe I'll just keep on doing that. It's sad because we have sooo much in common and I really love him. Sucks!
Growth, growth, growth. I promised myself this year would be all about growth. Gotta let go sometimes, even when it hurts. I've done a lot of letting go in my life, maybe I need to get better at it.