July 8th, 2002

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Just got home from Palm Springs. I haven't had a chance to check any of my Live Journal kindnesses because my laptop wouldn't work without it's cord. Rrrrrrr. We bought one at Best Buys and it burned out. I had just enough time to talk to the seller of the lamp I accidentally bought. I wound up having to buy it for $2,500.00, the reserve, as opposed to the six thousand and something I might have had to pay.

It really and truly sucks that I have to spend this much money right now when I need it so badly, but maybe I'll get it back, they've offered to try to resell it in a month. I had to do right by the sellers, they're my neighbors and my not buying it would have cost them a very important business relationship. They had been selling the lamp on consignment for a lady who holds local estate sales. I've been going to her estate sales for years, I've bought tons of things from her and she knows me really well. What a bizarre set of circumstances, what a completely weird accident to have happen, when all I meant to do was to send a kindly message to a friend. I feel so badly about all of this. They might have been able to make more money and my ending this auction early stopped any chance of that. I just don't know how I could have done something so dumb, I'm still truly baffled about this. All I can think is that I must have been in deep emotional shock over having learned that my Mother has cancer. I remember the moment when I clicked on the Buy It Now button instead of the button that would allow me to write and e-mail to them, and that's all I remember, I don't remember a second button to confirm the purchase, nothing. Just one click and then, Congratulations you've just spent six thousand dollars, your purchase is a binding contract, bla bla bla.

On the Mom cancer front, I called and spoke with her doctor and felt incredibly relieved after he filled me in. Maybe this is some kind of mechanical blind denial that people go through. One doctor tells you that everything should be fine, that "if you had to get cancer this would be the kind to have" and you buy it completely and go with that. He said that it's a teenie tiny tumor that the surgeon might be able to remove laparascopically. He said that it wasn't anything so dangerous that it couldn't wait one month so that Mom could take this trip. The surgeon wouldn't even be able to see her until the 29th of July anyway, and she was planning on coming back the second, so it's just a few days more. I just feel so shook up and worried, and helpless and scared, then I remember to try to surrender and turn it over. All I can do is make sure she's seeing the best doctor for this type of cancer, and once she has a better diagnosis, I'll do all the research I can.

In two days I'll be on a plane bound for Maui with Beau, Mom, and her icky housekeeper Rosa. Rosa was crying when Mom told me about her tumor and it was really hard for me to believe that she was crying for anything more than a lost trip to Hawaii and the potential loss of future employment. She is probably one of the sneakiest least trustworthy people I've ever met. I am only nice to her because my Mother depends on her so much and refuses to allow anyone to elucidate her as to the true nature of her housekeeper helper beast.

I'm nervous about getting everything squared away before we leave, it's so soon. I'm not entirely confident of our new housekeeper/helper. I have money issues to work out. I need to make sure the phones are working, they've been acting up, the bills are all paid, there is some food in the house, the animals are all safe and well. I have to pack and be certain to get everything we need to take with us. I have to make sure I've paid everyone I owe money to on eBay, and I'm incredibly disorganized about that, and I have to touch base with Sunday, the editor for Mary Engelbreit's magazine because they are going to come photograph my dining room and living room while we're gone. Ack ack and more ack, so much to do, so much to worry over. No worry, worry baaaad. I think I'm just needing sex, will someone tell my boyfriend this?

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Mom Money and Wills

When it comes to money-dealings with my Mother, I just want to screech and climb walls. She makes everything so much harder than it needs to be, she likes to argue over the tiniest amounts of money, things she has already approved and waved a blithe hand over. "Yes of course darling, repair that crumbling wall, paint that trim, I'll pay for it." But she always wants me to pay for everything up front and then when I need to ask for it back she freaks out and acts like she never agreed to it. This has been going on for years, don't even remind my poor beloved Scott because he used to loan me money against future promises of repayment by Mom that would collapse and disappear in a puff of green paper smoke. It is sooo incredibly stressful!

Today we are arguing about how much money we need to leave behind for the housekeepers while we are in Hawaii. Please know that I am super mindful of not causing her any stress or grief that could adversely affect her health. *Ringing Phone* It's Mom, she's calling me back to ask me what the initials of The Humane Society of the Unites States are, so she can change her damned will and leave a big chunk of it to them, if we should all go down in a fiery blast of hot airplane hell. Bummer for Rosa, guess all that scheming hasn't amounted to much, yeah and a big bummer for Mom's friend Jani, who I'm sure would like a piece of the money pie.

I know I'm not sounding sympathetic but it just seems so damned insane to leave everything to HSUS who I think are crap, considering that in all the years they've been present on film sets, and there are always two "officers" present on every union film, they have never once, not once, lodged a complaint against any studio or producer. Odd, don't you think, that they just happen to take their smoking breaks at the moment when iffy things are happening to animal actors? Better to leave it to PETA, or better yet give it to living beings that she knows, whose lives would be immeasurably improved by it. I've got a household full of dependant beings who could sure use some help, to say nothing of my faithful companion of ten years time. How about putting Esther's kids Eduardo and Andrea through college?

In case Beau and I were to both die at the same time, I've left everything I own to Scott. I think it would be a huge pain in the ass for him to have to sort through all of my things and try to figure out what to do with it all. I want Esther to have my clothes and my friend Susan to have whatever she might like. And then there are the cats to consider. I asked my Mom to please leave my house, at least, to Scott so he could move in here and sort things out and she said, "Darling your house is worth a XXXX dollars, I'm certainly not going to give that to Scott! You leave what you have to him, that's certainly more than he would see in his lifetime." Isn't that horrible? She'd rather leave my house to some vast over funded animal charity than to the man who has been my loving companion for a decade? It makes me burn, money is hell, that's why I'm feeling so angry and hot right now. Fuck it, it's just money and it's just stuff and I hate getting sucked in to this every time we get on a damned plane.

It may sound easy, (my life,) and I may seem like the luckiest gal in the world, because I have a few nice things, and at this point in my life I'm able to squeak by without having to work a traditional nine to five, or eight to seven-thirty job, like I did for many many years. But you have to take all of the stress and craziness that goes along with it. Wanna be super overweight and hopelessly disorganized? Wanna see all of your dreams dangled in front of you for years and years without being able to reach out and make them real? It's not worth it, believe me. Obviously if I were able to save money and not squander it away on all the stupid things I like to buy like magazines, flowers, gifts for friends, and eBay, oh Lord eBay, I'd be in a much better position. And then there is the mountain of money I pay out to helper friends. At least my money is bleeding out to living beings and not some faceless charity so some corporate executive can spend it on post it's and roller ball pens. Blah, ignore this message, I'll be fine soon, money, it just gets me all stirred up.
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More Mom Money Woes

Again, please understand that I know these are semi-ridiculous things to complain about, especially in a world where people are dying of starvation, disease, and war, but from my puny, mundane perspective, they seem pretty important.

As I sit here writing to you the phone keeps ringing. My Mother is calling me again and again to make certain I have taken care of everything before we leave. The will that I already had notarized and gave to her to give to her attourney has of course been lost and now I have to rush out and do it all over again. May I please say, Fuck, here? Fuck!!!

I feel so ridiculous because I really truly do love my Mother, but despite her having been extremely generous to me, in her own controlling mind tripping nightmarish way, she drives me insane! Crazy, crying, off the walls, insane. Here I am crying one minute, because I might lose her, and then the next minute I'm freaking out because she is being such a monster. Plus do you have any idea how insane it is to have to plan for your death every time you are about to go on a vacation? A VACATION mind you??? I mean if we're all going to die then, hey, let's not go. How about that? We'll all just stay here and then we won't have to worry about who gets the money when our plane erupts in a ball of fire somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.

This is about the fifth time she's called. I don't even answer the phone with a hello, I just say, "What Mom?" and of course it's her. She always calls back. This time it's to be certain I've made out my will precisely the way she wants me to, and she asks me if I'm certain I'd like to leave it "all" to Scott rather than to some charity. I want to rip out her eyes for this. OF COURSE I WANT TO LEAVE IT TO SCOTT!!! HE'S MY FUCKING LOVER, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!! So, deep breath in, cleansing breath out, I can't say anything remotely like this to her, 1.) because she's my Mother and she's elderly, and 2.) despite the fact that she flips violently and frequently between a dominating fire breathing lion dragon persona, and a delicate helpless little bleating lamb, she also has CANCER, God Damnit!

Me: Mom, I told you, I am going to leave whatever little I have personally to my partner, Scott. (Remember him? Hello??)

Mother: Oh all right then if you think that's wise, I'll just call Peter then and make sure he knows that you want to leave "everything" of yours to Scott rather than to charity as I will, and I'll tell him about the XXXXXXXXXX dollars I'm leaving to Beau.

Me: What XXXXXXXXX dollars are you leaving to Beau???

Mother: Oh, well, if I die, I've decided to give Beau XXXXXXXXXX dollars outright when he turns twenty-five.


She has all of my inheritance from my Father and my Grandmother tied up forever in trusts and things. I will never touch one dime of the principle, all I will ever see is interest and then she tells me she's changed her will to leave this enormous amount of money outright to my twelve year old son? How can she tell that at twenty-five, he is going to be so much more responsible than I am now. What magical insightful force tells her that he can handle this when she clearly believes that I can't?

We don't know what he'll be like then. He could be having problems, and throwing huge amounts of money at him might be a super screwy thing to do. I want him to have it, I don't care that it comes out of my inheritance. What I do care about is that I am being completely cut out of the loop when it comes to me own child. I care that it could totally screw up his life. I don't want him living the way I have had to live all of my life, waiting for this damned money. I want him to go to school and have a career and a life without waiting, always waiting, for this imaginary money to come in. Then if everything is okay, if he's in good shape, a sensible being who can handle it, then I would definitely let him have it. I'm too screwy and irresponsible to handle my own money because I'm fat, I hang around with people she disapproves of, and I dye my hair weird colors, but Beau is somehow going to be able to handle an amount so large I can't even write it here, without worrying, unhunh that makes sense.

Me: Wait a second Mother we need to discuss this, I have to be made trustee of this, I need to have some say. We don't know what he'll be like at twenty-five, he may be having drug problems.

Mother: Well that's too bad because it's already been done.

Me: Mom, how can you do this without even discussing it with me. Don't you care how I feel about this?

Mother: No! He's my grandson and I'm going to do whatever I please.

Me: So you don't give a shit how I feel about this?

Mother: No I don't, I've already made my decision and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. You'll have plenty of money, don't be greedy, now let's change the subject.

Me: I'm not being greedy, give him anything you like, that's not the issue. I'm just trying to think ahead, we don't know what he'll be going through. I'd like to have some say in when and how things happen in my son's life. I want to be sure he uses it to get through college first and doesn't blow it all on something scary. Handing him this much money outright could be a problem.

Mother: So what, it's already been done, and I can do what I like. *Click*


Does anyone out there understand how crazy making all of this is? Honestly I'm just going to take a shower right now and wash it all away. There really isn't anything I can do about it right now anyway. I just have to love my son and my partner and have faith and be grateful. What else can I do? It just doesn't exactly inure me to the idea of spending three weeks in Hawaii with her. Great that she wants to leave money to us and take care of us, not great that she is so insulting and controlling in the way she does it. but hey, that should come as no surprise, I've been living with this my whole life.
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Mammograms From Outer Space?

OMG this is really awful, if it's true, I just heard on Art Bell that several Portuguese women went to their windows recently and stood there naked, from the waist up, for several minutes. Apparently they all thought they were going to receive some kind of free mammogram transmitted via satellite. They had all received phone calls from a woman claiming to be a doctor, and just naively went ahead and stood topless in their windows.

There is a part of me that wants to laugh at the thought of all of these women standing around topless in their windows, but there is another deeper part of me that feels so sad for all of us as women, that this kind of thing can happen. I think it's really awful that there are women who know so little about their breast health that they would fall for a prank like this and think that breast imaging is some kind of bizarre far away thing that can be performed from outer space. Maybe this whole thing will serve to inform some of these women about breast cancer and mammograms. I shouldn't laugh over something like this because it's pretty cruel and heartless when you think about it, it'd never fly here, well, at least I hope it wouldn't.