September 26th, 2002

Chalkboard

Letting People Go, More Mama Car Drama, and Burning Man Sex Videos

Have you ever loved someone but knew they were bad for your psychological well being, and you have to stay away for your health and sanity? It's painful isn't it? I have several people in my life who I've loved and had to let go of. I wonder how they are. I think about them a lot. I want so badly to reconnect because ultimately I know this is the love planet and that's what we're here for; to grow, to forgive, to learn to love. But where do you draw the line on how much hurt you're willing to risk? Is it enough to work towards forgiving someone in your heart but not bring them back in your life? It's just so weird being so close to people and then watching them drift away and not knowing if they're alive or dead. I have this whole spectrum of loss, from a complete relationship blackout, not having any news or contact, to just keeping someone at arms length. It hurts.

I do the same thing with friends who are good for me, people I care about and want to see. I also have about five new/old friends who have shown up in the last year or so, who want to get together with me, but for a dozen reasonable reasons I keep myself isolated from them. I'm going to make it my mission to reach out and brave through this one by one until I've risked having social contact with every one of them. You know I feel so lonely sometimes and then these jewels, these gifts, keep coming my way and I stall.

Mom flipped back on the car money situation, argh, it's always like this. At least now I don't freak out about it anymore. I used to sob and sob and call everyone I know and cry to them about it. I would get so torn up and wrecked because she would offer to do something amazing for us, something that would really improve our lives, help us out or bring us joy, and then she'd change her mind and say she never said it. When I was little she did this so much that until just recently, when I told her to stop, she got a kick out of imitating me saying, "You promised me, you promised me!" Making fun of the tortured please of a child, great fun, that. Can you imagine? I became so mistrusting of any commitments on her part that I would make her promise, thinking that would somehow hold her to it, but then she's just make fun of me, eventually refusing to promise because she, "Didn't want to be pinned down." Now I'm only initially surprised and upset and I only have to call one person (Scott) and I feel better. When the tug on the string becomes slack again, usually because I've let go of the hook by saying something like, "Okay fine, I'll figure this out myself," that's when she picks it up again and yanks it.

After telling me that I would just have to make do with my run down car for another couple of years, that or drive her old Jaguar, the one I've fought to get her to keep, she came by (unannounced as usual) today and sent her housekeeper in to fetch me. I was naked in the bathroom on the toilet but I had to high my big bottom downstairs or risk being honked for. She wanted me to jump in the car and go to car dealerships with her right then. No explanation, no I've changed my mind again, just "Get in." I'm proud of myself for saying no. I told her that I wouldn't go and play this game with her, that unless she allowed me to take some of my money out of my account, and I had some sense of this really happening, there was no point in driving around to all of these dealers wasting everyone's time. I just don't want to be teased and toyed with anymore. It's the weirdest game and to be fair I don't think she's aware that she's doing it. Well, I don't think she's very aware at all. Poor Mom, she's worked herself up so much over the idea of having to part with some money that she made herself sick and had to rush home to bed. Not cancer sick, (she's all better for now, thank God), but stomach sick. She gets ummm, intestinal complaints, whenever she has to spend money on something significant. It's so sad and I'm so tired of all of this. I know it must sound so spoiled and stupid to anyone who is just eeking by, and please believe me that I am grateful every day for having all of my limbs and the full use of my senses, for having this beautiful son, for having a home, for having a wonderful partner, for being reasonably intelligent, comfortable, positive, happy, lucky, but it's my own painful little F.O.O. drama and it hurts.

PS: I got another one of those, "I'm leaving your journal and this is the reason why," comments yesterday because darn it, I just won't stop posting those nekkid pictures on my journal. Grrrrr. I mention this right up front on my info page. I like nudity and I post vintage erotic pictures in my journal. People need to know that when they're browsing their friends pages at work, they'll just have to zip by mine carefully or use a filter. I'm not going to LJ Cut Feature them unless they involve coitus. My journal, meow.

Oh and I wanted to tell you that I gave in to my dark temptation and bought a series of bootleg, erotic, Burning Man videos. I just had to see if we were in any of these, plus okay, well, I'll admit it, I'm a voyeur and a Burning Man junkie. I'll watch anything to get my playa fix. I've only watched one and it was a trip watching it. When someone with a great costume, or cool hair, or something interesting would come in to frame, the stupid photographer would cut off their heads and focus on their tits. It was so annoying.

There would be some great piece of art and the dumb guy would just zero in on some gal's ass or boobs. Oh and no fair play for the penis either. So lame. Not that I don't love beautiful naked people, because we all know that I do, I just want to feel some connection to the people I'm watching. I want to see what the person is all about and just don't get the titillation factor. I mean don't these desperate men ever see breasts anywhere? This video is all boobs boobs boobs, a quick beaver shot, and then some more boobs. Although there was one hot oral sex three way on the playa scene but that just made me mad that I never get to see anything like that when I'm there, heh.

Chalkboard

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I wanted this card but I was being good so I didn't bid on it and it went for a measly fourteen dollars, maaaaan. I love anything Mardigras related. I have the coolest little chenille Krampus figurine. He's black and fuzzy and has the longest tail.

I'm sick, again. I caught a cold just when I was getting over the flu, blah.

Thanks so much my wonderful Live Journal pals for all your terrific comments. I appreciate them so much. I try to write back to everyone but it's so hard especially when I'm sick. I'm just in here for a few minutes anyway so I can put together this birthday card for Beau's friend's Mom.

We're babysitting her son today and I want to have something to give her when she comes to pick him up. She's really into Yogananda so I found all of these great pictures and was going to put together a digital collage, print it out, and put it in this window card thing, but my color ink just ran out. I'm going to convert it to black and white, print it out, then hand color it with pencils and glue on some sequins. Although this just makes me sad for my friend Susan whose birthday I missed completely this year, although she missed mine as well, argh, birthdays, I always stress out too much over them.

I wish I could just pop my head off and put it in my steam shower without my body for about thirty minutes.