December 21st, 2002


(no subject)

I finally finished my holiday/Christmas card. It turned out like a kind of girly collage thing. I'll post it after the holidays, after I send it out. I'm so happy to have finished it, I was really being mean to myself over it, and stressing out. It's no big deal, just a card, just a colorful little collage of images snagged off the net. I don't know why I felt so stressed about it. I guess because I'm so hard on myself, and I wanted to send out something a little more personal than the usual store bought cards. In the end it just looks like a weird store bought card, I mean who will even know I made it, blah, whatever.

I like it, I'm just worn out and hurting after having spent four hours on the phone with my not-yet-ex, talking about our relationship, and everything that went wrong, and then catching up. I listened to him talk about his breakup with his last girlfriend, and the one before that. Listened to how far away our relationship feels to him, how disconnected he is to the hurt of it, how much more present his pain is for these other women, the ones he has been involved with since me. So many stories. So much ground to cover.

Then there was the shocking and tragic news he shared. Two old friends of ours were murdered, well, a friend we kind of grew up with, because he had been my sister-in-law's very first boyfriend, before he became famous, and a sweet woman we knew because she had been my sister-in-law's room mate. She had dated Prince for a while, and it had been so exciting hearing all of her stories. She was really lovely, someone I thought would have had a fabulous life, she seemed charmed.

I can't believe they're dead. I feel so sorry for my sister-in-law and for their parents. Life is just so fucking weird. It feels like yesterday that we were all in the front yard playing basketball with him. Just yesterday that she was asking me for advice over the telephone about something. So sad...his brother murdered them, and then killed himself. Robby (my someday soon to be ex) said there's a web site about it, but I haven't gone yet. I know it'll make me cry when I see their pictures. His Mother was such a good person, Patricia, I always liked her, she was so devoted and decent. I just don't know why fate would take her two sons like this, like Cain and Able, biblical. And Serena, why was she even with him? I didn't even know they were dating, or maybe I do remember Athena saying something about it, but she was just an innocent, a complete innocent caught up in this, and all of it taking place in such a beautiful tropical place, a place not unlike her name, serene and beautiful, aboard a boat. I don't know what else to say except how sorry I am for them and for their families, and I don't think I can handle too much more emotion tonight. I'm going to try to get some sleep and start over again tomorrow.

God bless all of you at Christmas-time.