March 15th, 2003


Rain Rain Don't Go Away

You should see how hard it's raining here in LA. It started early this morning and hasn't let up since. I don't remember the last time we had such a good rain. I've said this before but Angelenos get excited and kind of loopy about weather because we have so little of it. They crash their cars because they don't know how to brake when it's wet.

It's so bad that our sweet weekend mail lady, Myoung, had to come in for a little bit to warm up. We gave her tea and towels and offered an umbrella and warm clothes but she said she can't carry the mail and an umbrella at the same time. Poor thing, she was sopping wet, and she's so tiny and cute and shy. She said she liked her peach tea but she's so unfailingly polite you'd never know if she hated it.

She told me a story about a cat they had. You have to imagine her telling it in her halting Korean/English because it's so much better that way. A friend of her son's had lots of kittens and her son wanted one. She told him that they couldn't take care of a cat because no one is at home during the day to look after it. So he snuck it home in his backpack and hid it in his closet in a little box with a blanket. He was using his allowance to buy it food and milk. He got away with it for two weeks until one day when she was home she heard this little mewing sound and couldn't figure out where it was coming from. She looked all over the house and then it seemed as if it got louder in her son's room so she went in there and pushed open the closet and found their new cat.

Hmm, I was just thinking how funny it is that just when I'm trying to taper off of my Effexor the skies get grey and cloudy, (la la la), the lights start flickering, and my money runs out. Sheesh.

Scott's performing tonight and I didn't go to Palm Springs this weekend because I felt guilty that I wasn't going to be able to see him with his new band. But it turns out that I can't take Beau anyway because it's a bar so I don't get to go after all.

My Mom wanted us to go to Palm Springs because she wanted me to take a picture of Beau in our golf cart for the paper. We buy a charity photo ad every year in this LA Times supplement that comes out on Mother's Day. It supports the Los Angeles Orphanage Guild, a charity that my Mother is particularly sentimental about because of my being adopted. I guess she thinks of me as a would have been orphan.

The thing about these kinds of charities that bothers me, well not the charity but the women who support it, is that they don't adopt any of the poor abandoned older children, because they are all Latino and African American. I would adopt one in a hot second if my Mother wouldn't withdraw all her financial support from us. I have to wait to adopt. I would like an older little girl from China and someone from here. When I get my life together; my health improved, my possessions and animals better organized, then I really want to foster and adopt. I've just got myself stuck in a really deep rut. I really, really, really use the word really, a really, really lot don't I?

Our Tarot For the Day

I drew the Ace of Coins for myself, yeay. The Ace of Coins is fortuitous for new beginnings, usually financially. It helps bring forward potential and generates monetary or business success. I'm all for things improving financially for all of us, yeay.

I just did an online reading using the Victoria Regina Deck and it was super interesting. Naturally I asked it about my upcoming weight loss surgery. Just ten days to go. Everything made so much senseMy focus card was The Ace of Cups which to me means that I am about to embark on a whole new way of feeling. My cup is going to be filled with a "powerful new emotion". It makes sense then that I am so afraid because change is frightening but it needn't be.

I drew and eight of Wands for the card just beneath this one. In this reading this card represents how my surgery is being affected by people and events outside of myself. Since the Eight of Wands is about the drive to excel, of passion and ambition and the desire to achieve and create, I am thinking that in relation to my surgery this may address all of the overweight people who are forging ahead in mass to have this surgery, to make this change, and all of the doctors who are pushing themselves to accommodate this huge influx of people wanting them to operate. The danger in this card is of forging ahead too quickly and I'm sort of seeing this globally rather than individually, seeing what this process has been like. The long wait to see the surgeon, the three and a half hour wait in the waiting room, then the surgeries that are rushed one right after the other day after day to accommodate all of these people. If I could talk to my surgeon and his staff about this card and it's relation to me I would ask them to slow down and to be meticulously careful. But I think the change of hospitals and the circumstances right now for my doctor are already making this happen.

The card just above the center card, The Nine of Cups, speaks of internal influences. The nine of cups is all about enjoying life and I am going to take this to mean that I shouldn't worry about dieting and the austere way that the nutritionists and other people in charge of this surgery are forcing people to behave and that I should simply be enjoying my life and living it right now. Trusting in the outcome.

The card just to the left of my center card is the Nine of Wands and represents the helpful influences in relation to my surgery. The nine of wands is a defensive card and represents how I am feeling right now. I am feeling frightened of this change. I am feeling defensive and self protective. I need to stop thinking the worse and imagining all of these negative outcomes of this surgery. I have made my decision and I need to keep walking towards it with more faith.

The last card in this reading is just to the right of the center card and is the Death card. In this position it represents influences that are obstructing my progress. I am going to assume that since the death card rarely means literal death that it means I am faced with a revolutionary radical transformation. That my old way of life will die away and that yes this will be a whole new state of being and may not be easy but that I will be victorious. The old needs to die for the new. All in all a terrific reading. Yup. An exact reflection of how I feel right at this moment. But then I suppose you could say that I could project anything onto these cards.

Here's the link for you guyz. You can get a five card spread or any kind of reading, it will interpret it for you and give you a simple little printable version. Fun-nessness. I like the look of this deck so much I bought it, but here at home I've been using a really pretty artist collage deck called the Artist's Inner Vision Tarot. A whole bunch of mail art artists got together and made this deck. Each person designed two cards. wouldn't you guyz like to do one with me?

Okay so here comes your card, whoever you are, as long as you are here and reading this.

"Your Card: Six of Swords

The Six of Swords is a card of voyaging. It speaks of purposeful travel, not aimless wandering. Like the educated tourist, the explorer is always mindful of the reasons for the journey. They do not leave security behind, but rather bring it with them. A change of scenery can be a chance for a new beginning or for a new perspective on the challenges we face. Although there may be risks there are also rewards for striking out in new directions."

Did You Ask For My Help?

I just realized something. One of my new LJ friends came by and asked me for some help with some of the basics with journal design -- uploading and linking pictures etc. I love helping and in fact I was just giving some unsolicited help when I remembered your post. I meant to come back and give you some links and help you out but I got distracted as usual. If you're reading this and you still need help will you forgive me and post your request again?

I have a wee focus problem, the unfortunate outcome of a mix of antidepressants, (creative people are often super sensitive and it is hard to live in this world as sensate as I am, so I have chosen to turn the volume and color down and numb out a bit, I want to wean off of them in time), and a semi-recently diagnosed case of ADHD. I have probably had this all my life and it just was never diagnosed because my parents didn't believe in psychology or psychiatry.

I am forever apologizing to my journal playmates for my spaciness. I just always want everyone here to know that you are all very dear to me, and that sometimes I just need you to come wave your words in front of my face. I don't get the notifications that come to my e-mail box because I can't resist all of these wonderful people, and have added so many friends that my box floods. So I have to rely on my unreliable memory to prod me to check back and look for newer comments, or responses to comments I've left. It's a daunting and impossible task for a single mom with a home filled with animals, kids, and people who need my help. I do try though, and I definitely care and will pay attention if you flag me. I just would hate for anyone here to think I'm a jerk who doesn't care because I really really do. There's that really really really again. Heh.