March 18th, 2003


(no subject)

Dear Diary,

I've been writing a lot in you lately. Recently I've been inspired to create collages and assemblages, I want to make altered books and more of my collages that I've been making my whole life, but I am in absorb mode. That whole ocean - ebb and flow, thing. I am looking at colors and shapes, taking in things. Gathering inspiration and being amazed by other people's work. I just recently learned about a magazine called Play and subscribed to that, and then I found a magazine called Somerset Studio and subscribed to that. I feel ready to spill all of this inspiration onto a canvas but I don't have the space in my cramped and chaotic home. I'm jsut putting this on cyber-paper here to share my recent inspirations, and to let you know where I am creatively and how much I ache to create. I'm going to give myself time, time to change, and then time to heal and approach my next phase of being.

I like this woman's work, (Linda Woods), particularly her Buddha collages. I love using Buddhas and Asian images in my work. I pledge to create more and share it with you as soon as my world will allow me.

Sister's On Sojourn

Here are two pieces I recently bought on eBay from Trudy's Studio. I love glitter and glamour grrrls.


(no subject)

I am seriously sleep deprived......... I've been staying up so late, probably because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts in the dark of my room at night. I'm never really alone though with my cats blanketing (hah, I can't think blanket without instantly thinking Michael Jackson), me, but without visual or auditory stimulation my creative mind runs wild.

I lost another three pounds but I probably gained it all back today when I bought three dozen macaroons and ate about ten of them. I think it's pretty common for us pre-weight-loss-surgery folk to have little farewell to our favorite food meals in the last few days before surgery. I made a special trip to my parents old golf club to get these cookies. I can't find them anywhere else. But they are rough and now the roof of my mouth is hurting the way it used to hurt when I was little and would eat bowls full of Captain Crunch cereal.

My surgery has been moved up from next Tuesday the 25, to Monday the 24. Yikes. My surgeon, Dr. Liu and his wonderful assistant Gedion were funny and personable as always. it's so different from the way it was over at UCLA. The nurse, Chris, was so kind and sweet. She's really pretty. Anyone Asian. I am so attracted to all things Asian.

I asked her if she would let me go up to the surgery floor, and then to see where my room would be. I think it will help me get a handle on my runaway fear/phobia here, if I can know what the environment will look like, so I can visualize myself there. See myself having a successful surgery. Oh lovely, we've activated the emergency operations center, and we're on high terrorism alert, lovely. Surgery, war, surgery, war, life, death, life, and death again. Fun, fun, fun.

Now how am I going to go down the street and ask the Nuns to please pray for me one day earlier than I had originally asked? Umm, I know you girls are super busy with all of this scary life and death war business but I was wondering, if you're planning on squeezing in a few pleas with God for me, would you just make sure it's one day before the day when you were originally planning your little prayerathon?

Even the Oscars aren't going to have a red carpet arrival. Now what the hell is up with that? That's my favorite part of the show. What are Joan and Melissa going to do with themselves? E must be freaking out. Damnit why do they have to spoil my voyeuristic celebrity fashion viewing fun with this nasty war business. I hope you know I'm kidding. I know where my priorities lie, with this box of Frenchy cookies right here.

These are scary times, big bombs, talking fish, runaway killer viruses, and the thought that I am about to be cut open, have my stomach cut into two sections, stapled shut, my intestines detached, shortened, and then reattached again.

Phil Hendrie is playing Dixie Chicks songs with farting sounds in the background. I wish everyone would get off of it. It reminds me of how uptight everyone got when Roseanne sung the National Anthem, McCarthyism, and the 1950s. I hope the whole thing just boomerangs back for them and winds up being an all publicity is good publicity kind of thing. God! We don't want war! Why won't anyone listen? Why are people who speak out shamed into silence and shunned? It's sickening. Listen, I think Sadaam Hussein is an evil motherfucker and I hate to say it but I wouldn't shed a tear if they took him out somehow, but war? Acceptable losses? The horror!

(no subject)

How long has it been since I've told all of you, yes all of you, including my newest brother and sister journalistes, that I love you? Too long. I love you!!!!!!!!! Good night everyone.

This Is Just So Wrong

This is from the Iraq Peace Team Site. I am just sitting here crying over this. I can't stand it. I feel so fucking helpless. I want to reach out and comfort and help these people somehow and I'm stuck here living with all of my own fears, and feeling so damned complicit just by being an American. I absolutely hate Sadaam Hussein, but I don't trust our government, and I don't know what the truth is. All I do know is that war and killing is evil.

"Pregnant women who can afford it are having cesarian sections so there babies will not be born during the bombing. Women are afraid they will not be able to make it to a hospital, or if they are the hospital staff will be overwhelmed with war casualties and will not have medical personnel to assist with deliveries. But the birth just gives cause for a different set of fears. Will there be clean water to care for the new child, will there be food available, will there be gas for cooking and sterilization, electricity? And the most likely answer is, no.

I spoke with the assistant director at the hospital I visit yesterday and he said that these c-sections births are very dangerous for mother and child. To begin with, the babies are not ready to be born yet, so they are at greater risk for health problems. They are less immune to disease, less able to absord nutrients, and are likely to have breathing difficulties. And of course, the mothers are at greater risk for post operative problems such as infections and bleeding.

He also said that many of the mothers who have children undergoing cancer treatments will stop the treatments and take their children home now. Most of the women have other children at home and feel they must return home to care for them during war. They feel it is better to allow their sick child to die rather than risk their other children being killed in a bombing. Can you imagine being forced to make such a choice. From what I have seen, these children in the hospital don't stand much of a chance anyway since all the needed medications are rarely available, but being forced to discontinue the treatments that are available is simply obscene."